Friday joke

betty swollocks

large member
Sorry if you've already heard it.

Deirdre, Dave and Derek are shipwrecked together on a desert island.
After they have got the essentials like water, food (coconuts) and shelter sorted, their sexual urges start to assert themselves.
They do what comes naturally and the two boys took turns with Deidre.
This arrangement worked satisfactorily for a few months, but then Deidre started to feel guilty: so guilty in fact, that she topped herself!
Naturally Dave and Derek were initially very shocked and went through a period of grief, loss and celibacy for a few months........until their sexual urges began to assert themselves..... again.
They then proceeded to do what came naturally.
However, after a few months of carrying on like this, they began to feel very guilty and in the end, and decided to put a stop to it.
 
OP
betty swollocks

betty swollocks

large member
So they buried her.
 

walker

New Member
Location
Bromley, Kent
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
 

walker

New Member
Location
Bromley, Kent
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
 

Speck

Oldest Teenager In Town
Location
Nr Bath
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,
so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste
and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass
out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is
tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two
glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his
wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you
drink from the bottle."

Arriba!



 

QuickDraw

Senior Member
Location
Glasgow
A man goes to the doctor: "I've just come back from safari in Africa and I need your help. It difficult for me to talk about it but I need your help. While I was there I was raped by an elephant (a full sized one not one of baby ones you get round here)."

The doctor examines him and discovers that there's huge hole about a foot wide where his ass should be. The doctor says, "Hmmm this is very strange because elephants are famous for having very long but narrow penises."

The patient says, "Yes but he fingered me first."
 

buggi

Bird Saviour
Location
Solihull
it's an old one but it still makes me larf...

ugly bloke walks into a bar with a big grin on his face.

"what you so happy about?" asks the barman

"well, i live near the railway and last night on my way home i found a woman tied to the tracks, so i untied her and took her home and we made love all night" replies the ugly man

"Did you get a blow job?" asks the barman

"Naa", replies the ugly man, "i couldn't find her head!"
 

strofiwimple

Veteran
Location
sunderland
Little Johhny comes home from school to find his dog dead, lying on its back with its legs in the air.
He asks his dad why its like that "well son, its so that Jesus can gently pick him up and take him to heaven".

Next day when dad comes home Johnny runs up to him excitedly and says dad, mum nearly died today, she was lying on her back with her legs in the air shouting "oh jesus im coming, im coming!!"
If uncle Fred hadn't been holding her down we would have lost her.
 
Abbreviated version of another Adam and Eve Joke....

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
 
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