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Friday Joke

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Aperitif, 16 Nov 2007.

  1. The teacher said to the class, "I want you all to think if there were five
    sparrows on a fence and one got shot, how many would be left?"
    Little Johny stuck his hand up and said "None Miss, 'cos all the other's
    would fly away."
    "No", said the teacher, "the answer is four. But I like the way you were
    thinking".
    Johny then asked the teacher if he could ask her a question, to which
    she agreed.
    Johny asked, "If there were three ladies with ice creams. one licking, one
    nibbling at the edges and one sucking at the ice cream, which one is
    married?"
    The teacher thought and then replied, "the one sucking at the ice
    cream."
    Johny said, "Nope. the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you
    were thinking".
     
  2. The teacher said to the class, "I want you all to think if there were five
    sparrows on a fence and one got shot, how many would be left?"
    Little Johny stuck his hand up and said "None Miss, 'cos all the other's
    would fly away."
    "No", said the teacher, "the answer is four. But I like the way you were
    thinking".
    Johny then asked the teacher if he could ask her a question, to which
    she agreed.
    Johny asked, "If there were three ladies with ice creams. one licking, one
    nibbling at the edges and one sucking at the ice cream, which one is
    married?"
    The teacher thought and then replied, "the one sucking at the ice
    cream."
    Johny said, "Nope. the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you
    were thinking".
     
  3. Panter

    Panter Just call me Chris...

  4. Panter

    Panter Just call me Chris...

  5. mondobongo

    mondobongo Über Member

    An oldie but still a goodie.
     
  6. mondobongo

    mondobongo Über Member

    An oldie but still a goodie.
     
  7. litespeeder

    litespeeder New Member

    Location:
    Stockport
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    __________________________________
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    ______________________________________
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    _____________________________________
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ______________________________________
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________
    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
     
  8. litespeeder

    litespeeder New Member

    Location:
    Stockport
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    __________________________________
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    ______________________________________
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
    _____________________________________
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________
    Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ______________________________________
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ______________________________________
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________
    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
    ______________________________________
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
     
  9. litespeeder

    litespeeder New Member

    Location:
    Stockport
    Before Computers . .

    Memory was something you lost with age
    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity

    A keyboard was a piano
    A web was a spider's home
    A virus was the flu
    A CD was a bank account

    A hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

    And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
    well...
     
  10. litespeeder

    litespeeder New Member

    Location:
    Stockport
    Before Computers . .

    Memory was something you lost with age
    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity

    A keyboard was a piano
    A web was a spider's home
    A virus was the flu
    A CD was a bank account

    A hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

    And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
    well...
     
  11. Elmer Fudd

    Elmer Fudd Miserable Old Bar Steward

    Essex girl & john are playing hide & seek.
    Girl sends John a txt.
    "If you can find me you can kiss my pu55y and shag me up the @rse, if you can't find me, I'm in the shed".
     
  12. Elmer Fudd

    Elmer Fudd Miserable Old Bar Steward

    Essex girl & john are playing hide & seek.
    Girl sends John a txt.
    "If you can find me you can kiss my pu55y and shag me up the @rse, if you can't find me, I'm in the shed".