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Friday joke

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by fuzzy29, 27 Jul 2007.

  1. fuzzy29

    fuzzy29 New Member

    Location:
    Somerset
    Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
    Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
    Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
    Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
    Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in pond. Which is it?
    Dave: - It's in a pond!
    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
    Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden
    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have large garden then you have a large house?
    Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
    Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
    Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
    Dave: - Me? Never
    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
    Dave: - How's that then?
    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
    Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
    Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
    Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
    Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
    Stuart: - What's that then?
    Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
    Stuart: - Nope


    Dave: - Well then, you're a self-gratification artist.
     
  2. spen666

    spen666 Guru

    Friday joke?

    That was a friday in January 1980 i presume?
     
  3. fuzzy29

    fuzzy29 New Member

    Location:
    Somerset
    I wouldn't have understood that joke in 1980. :thumbsup:
     
  4. mosschops2

    mosschops2 New Member

    Location:
    Nottingham
    Ha ha good call - nor would I!!
     
  5. mosschops2

    mosschops2 New Member

    Location:
    Nottingham
    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed:

    "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
    plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead."

    "You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a
    beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini.
    Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
    another man. Whatta you gonna do then................. pointa to your watch
    and say, Times Up?"
     
  6. Keith Oates

    Keith Oates Janner

    Location:
    Penarth, Wales
    Well I thought they were both good and they certainly made me smile!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  7. stephec

    stephec Legendary Member

    Location:
    Bolton
    Same here.

    :thumbsup::biggrin::biggrin:
     
  8. mosschops2

    mosschops2 New Member

    Location:
    Nottingham
    A farmer had 5 female pigs and, since times were tough, he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. They lived 60 miles away from each other, so they agreed to drive thiry miles and find a field in which to mate the pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs in the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're rolling in the mud, they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them in the station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! The next morning, in the mud again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing." His wife looked out the window and yelled back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
     
  9. mosschops2

    mosschops2 New Member

    Location:
    Nottingham
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
    mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
    idling smoothly.

    She says, "What's the story?"

    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


    Ahhh friday jokes. Still not quite hitting the balance of quality and quantity.... but at least I'd never heard it before!!!!
     
  10. mosschops2

    mosschops2 New Member

    Location:
    Nottingham
    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,

    and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther

    away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says

    "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
     
  11. Hugh Jampton

    Hugh Jampton Well-Known Member

    Location:
    Epping Forest
    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

    The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
     
  12. chris42

    chris42 New Member

    Location:
    Deal, Kent


    WOW fantastic!:thumbsup:
     
  13. alecstilleyedye

    alecstilleyedye nothing in moderation Staff Member

    :thumbsup::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
     
  14. chris42

    chris42 New Member

    Location:
    Deal, Kent
    new learner series

     
  15. mosschops2

    mosschops2 New Member

    Location:
    Nottingham
    Another Clean Joke....

    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"


    "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.







    Are you ready for this?











    Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.












    I love this one...












    "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"