friday jokes ....lets have 'em

[got-to-get-fit]

I was a bit depressed last night so i rang 'Lifeline'
They said all of their volunteers were currently busy and put me through to the call centre in Afghanistan.

When they answered i explained i was depressed and feeling suicidal.....

They got all excited and asked if i could 'drive a van?'

 

[thomas]

My sister talks about sex online with people she doesn't know.

She thinks



i'm an only child : P

 

[Fnaar]

Real Madrid are reconsidering their purchase of Cristiano Ronaldo, having realised that they can get a 'big girl's blouse' in Primark for £1.99

 

[gbb]

All sing along now...
You put your transfer in, your transfer out,
in out, in out, you fcuk your club about,
You do the Christiano and you change your mind,
That's what its all about...

Ohhh Ranaldo is a w@nker,
oooh, Ronaldo is a w@nker,
oooh, Ronaldo is a w@nker,
Knees bend, arms out, dive dive dive

 

[ACS]

A skeleton walks into a pub and asks for a pint and a mop

I thank you….

 

[skmc1955]

bit of homespun philosophy heard in a film the other night "nothings out of reach...if you,ve got long arms!"

 

[Macka]

After signing Kaka it was obvious they were going to get Ronaldo...
After a Brazillian and irritating c*nt always follows

 

[Macka]

I used to work for The Samaritans, I rang in sick once, but they talked me out of it

 

[bonj2]

statistics have shown that last year, suicides fell at beachy head.

 

[Greedo]

Ronaldo say's to this girl he's seeing "everytime I look in the mirror I get a hard on"

I'm not surprised says the girl. Do all men not get one when they look at a c*nt!!!!!!!!

 

[PaulB]

I've just joined a social networking site for wifebeaters. It's called "Twatter".

 

[karen.488walker]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do all day?

Lie in bed and wonder if there's a dog.

 

[stedlocks]

thers a bit of a delay in the Ronaldo transfer.........Real Madrid want image rights and a share of the profits from the film Paris Hilton wants to make with him

 

[Deleted member 1258]

Life Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age,
​

An application was for employment,
​

A program was a show on TV,
​

A curser was someone who swore a lot,
​

A keyboard was a musical instrument,
​

A web was a spiders home,
​

A virus was the flu,
​

A hard drive was a long trip down the motorway,
​

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,​

​

And if you had a 3” floppy......well you hoped and prayed nobody found out. ​

 

[Gerry Attrick]

How do you know when a chav girl has an orgasm?









She drops her bag of chips