Dear Mr Claus,
I wish to thank you your generosity during Christmases past but I do wish to bring to your attention a few small things that have irritated me this year.
Firstly, perhaps my last letter got lost in the post but I see no sign of the new Mercian touring bike, nor the Ferrari nor the selection of rare malt whiskies which I had requested. Instead you appear to have left six pairs of socks, three scarves, two pairs of gloves and several bottles of aftershave which smell like a cross between toilet cleaner and hypoid gear oil.
I also need to bring to your attention the mess you have made of my fire place and the fact you walked soot all over my living room carpet. Is it too much to ask that you could clean up after yourself? I shall send the bill from the carpet cleaner in due course.
I also feel the need to mention that you have dislodged several slates on my roof, damaged my television aerial, left hoof prints and wheel marks all over my lawn and could you not, at the very least have lifted the big pile of reindeer shoot from my door step so that I would not have trodden in it and slipped on it when I went out this morning and I now have a sore arse from my fall. I will send you the bill for damages to my property and also any medical bills resulting from my fall.
One further point. I left you a bottle of beer and a mince pie. I did not expect you to abuse my generosity and hospitality to such an extent that you drank every bottle of beer in my fridge and ate every mince pie in my kitchen as well as eating half a tin of biscuits. Could you not, at the very least have cleaned up the crumbs, put the bottles in the recycling bin and put the lid back on the biscuit tin to prevent them from going soft?
I shall await your response by return post.
Yours Faithfully,
Tyred
