Hedgehogs for Cracks - a childs interpretation

[Crackle]

So we're driving back from Wales when son no.1 plays his new ringtone otained from a friend. It's a James Blunt rip-off speeded up and I hear "Homeless on the streets giving hand jobs for crack".

Me: "What was that?"
"It's my new ring tone"
"Right. Do you know what that means?"
"Well no, not really". A pause.
"What did he say then?, says I.
"Homeless on the streets giving hedgehogs for cracks," says he. I could not contain a burst of laughter; mistake 1.
"Oh yeah, do you think hedgehogs are good for filling cracks," says I sniggering.
"Well no, it doesn't make sense, it's funny though."
"It doesn't make sense because that's not what he says." mistake 2.
"What does it say then?" I realize I'm in a cul-de-sac and the exit is blocked.
"I can't tell you, it's rude"
"Daaadd", "We've done puberty in school you know"
"Right. This isn't about puberty and I don't think I can explain it to you yet."
"You can't not tell me now......"

And he's right. It's sitting there like a big elephant everytime his phone goes. So, how do I explain this to a twelve and a 10 year old. I've dug the hole but.....I'm hoping one of his friends explains it to him

 

[TheDoctor]

That sounds like the "It's Easy Mmmmmkay' song from the South Park film.

 

[Crackle]

Tell me it's me that's misheard the lyrics then, please.

 

[trustysteed]

Explain about getting your rocks off...

 

[ChrisKH]

Twelve year old should be ready for a hand job surely?

I just tell my ten year old straight out what it is. I told him the facts of life when he was 8, then 9 and then sometime last year just before he was ten it fell in. "You didn't mean he puts that in there, did you?" Yes, son that's exactly what I meant.

He asked me what "humping" meant at the weekend.

 

[Vidor06]

I was listening to the Kings of Leon song Sex on Fire recently when number 2 daughter (3) started singing along, but she was singing 'My socks are on fire'. Number 1 daughter (7) burst out laughing. I asked her what she was laughing at and she said she was laughing at what her sister was singing. I asked her what the real words were and she said it was 'My satchels on fire'

Oh, the innocence of youth.

 

[Arch]

Depends how much detail he demands. You could try telling him that a hand job is something grown ups do to each other in bed, and see if he's then so embarrassed by his old Dad knowing such stuff that he shuts up.

If you want to get into the concept of prostitution for drugs, that's up to you - I'd say you seem pretty intelligent and grounded, so I'd expect your kids to be the same.

I think, if you can find the right words, it's good to tell kids when they ask, rather than make it too mysterious. That said, I've never had to do it... Oli is really only up to talking about poo...

 

[trustysteed]

Flaming backpacks, Batman!

 

[trustysteed]

Oli is really only up to talking about poo...

explaining fetish stuff is very embarrassing...

 

[Crackle]

If you want to get into the concept of prostitution for drugs, that's up to you -

.

I reckon that's what I'm struggling with. We've sort of done bits and pieces of sex and relationships but up until recently I'd not got the sense they were ready for all the facts. We are reaching that point. It's all or nothing time. I need to borrow Chriskh

 

[ChrisKH]

There must be a good book you can get somewhere for this sort of thing for pre-pubescent and pubescent kids. Any recommendations?

 

[Fnaar]

Just tell him it's a mondegreen. Problem solved.

 

[HobbesChoice]

Just tell him it's a mondegreen. Problem solved.

Excellent, thank you.

 

[Crackle]

Just tell him it's a mondegreen. Problem solved.

Brilliant

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Just tell him it's a mondegreen. Problem solved.

When I was at little school, I came home one day just before Christmas and proudly announced that we'd sung "the Trousers hymn" in assembly that morning. When my mum - clearly puzzled - asked me to sing it for her, I sang:


"Glooo-o-o-o-o-o-hoooo-o-o-o-o-o-oooria, hosannah in his trousers".

I honestly thought those were the words.