Helping an alcoholic

[ayceejay]

I did that 30 years ago and , although they were very friendly, I was told that the person herself had to get in touch. I don't know if that is still AA policy. Sadly, she killed herself not very long afterwards.

Don't go direct to AA but to Al-anon.

 

[MrJamie]

I did that 30 years ago and , although they were very friendly, I was told that the person herself had to get in touch. I don't know if that is still AA policy. Sadly, she killed herself not very long afterwards.

That was still the case a couple of years ago unfortunately, they can give you literature to pass on, but they say in their experience until the person wants to ask for help they are very unlikely to be able to help them.

 

[Salad Dodger]

Respect to you Gary for trying to help in a rotten situation. It seems to me that, unless your friend is actually at rock bottom, he will not be ready within himself to get help.

I read Eric Clapton's autobiography a while ago. He abused alcohol and drugs for a long time, and had both money and a "support system" i.e. people who were paid to take care of him. It was only when he himself became so disgusted by the state he was in, and the way he was living - if you can call it that - that he had the motivation to go to AA. The impetus had to come from within him first.....

I hope you can find a way through it with your friend.

 

[colly]

At least he still has a good friend who is willing to make the effort to help him. I had a good friend (probably the best friend I'll ever have) who had a serious drink problem. I knew him for quite some time before I even knew he relied on drink at all, let alone quite how much. It's a long sad story, and even though he did at times give up the booze it always, eventually, got him again.
He did attend AA with another acquaintance who had been sober for 20 years or so and it did help him. For a while.
One morning I got a call from his Father telling me Nigel had died the previous evening. He had a heart attack so not directly as a result of drink but alcohol was the underlying cause without doubt. 42 years old, a gifted writer, a real genuine friend who would go out of his way to help others even though he seemed unable to accept help to battle his own demons.
Every time I think of Nigel I wonder if there more I could have done to help but as has been said there is really only one person who can help.
I know you won't but don't give up because when, if, they have finally had enough your support will be vital.

Good luck to you and your friend.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

They have become dependent on alcohol to survive. If they for one minute think that someone is trying to deprive them of this they will put up all manner of barriers.

Yes having flirted with being an alcoholic myself (I got out in time. I have to be careful these days as I don't seem to have the bit of my brain that says 'stop') this is one thing a surprising amount of people do not seem to understand. It makes trying to help someone very difficult and it only takes one stupid move to set things off, sometimes seriously.

To an alcoholic, drinking is fun, its what they want to do, it is part of them, they don't have the inner voice that says 'stop', but that doesn't matter to them because stopping is for boring people who don't 'understand' and old woman down the Church anyway. Alcohol is their friend, their crutch their emotional protection against the world, including you if you try to tell them otherwise, so if you try and go in there like a bull in a china shop, they will want to run a mile and you will be the dullest person on Earth to them, trust me (despite realising that you mean well).
Besides, having a problem will be for 'Tramps' as mentioned in the OP, not them!

So be careful, there is no use going in all guns blazing, fire and brimstone and denying an alcoholic access to alcohol, it just doesn't work (counterintuitively as it sounds), they can't simply stop over night unless they themselves have decided too.

Luckily (although I might be wrong) it sounds like he at least realises things aren't right, which is a start at least.

 

[gary r]

Yes having flirted with being an alcoholic myself (I got out in time. I have to be careful these days as I don't seem to have the bit of my brain that says 'stop') this is one thing a surprising amount of people do not seem to understand. It makes trying to help someone very difficult and it only takes one stupid move to set things off, sometimes seriously.

To an alcoholic, drinking is fun, its what they want to do, it is part of them, they don't have the inner voice that says 'stop', but that doesn't matter to them because stopping is for boring people who don't 'understand' and old woman down the Church anyway. Alcohol is their friend, their crutch their emotional protection against the world, including you if you try to tell them otherwise, so if you try and go in there like a bull in a china shop, they will want to run a mile and you will be the dullest person on Earth to them, trust me (despite realising that you mean well).
Besides, having a problem will be for 'Tramps' as mentioned in the OP, not them!

So be careful, there is no use going in all guns blazing, fire and brimstone and denying an alcoholic access to alcohol, it just doesn't work (counterintuitively as it sounds), they can't simply stop over night unless they themselves have decided too.

Luckily (although I might be wrong) it sounds like he at least realises things aren't right, which is a start at least.

He is cuttently trying to detox himself,so starting with the 3 bottles of wine a night, then he is reducing the amount by 200m and hopefully reducing his intake gradually.

 

[MarkF]

My father, my uncles and just about all my fathers friends died early, all were alcoholics. All came from Ireland and had only two interests in life, working hard and boozing the rewards of their labour. The stories they left behind! People love to tell them, but those doing the telling are still alive...............

I've a friend deep into alcohol and depression, I've dropped him, he was affecting my family life, I know I can't help him.

 

[roadrash]

i have tried with a friend in the past, it ended up affecting my family life , he always made out that he wanted help but behind the veil, he didnt, its as simple as that , he resorted to stealing from me while i was trying to help him , we lost touch but i heard recently that the drink won the battle and he is no longer with us .

be aware that even if he says to you he needs help , its a very long road , and remember , you dont know what hes doing when your not there , and dont let it affect any relationships you have with anyone else , believe me it can do.

good luck to you and your friend, i wish you well

 

[goo_mason]

Yes, sadly the key is that they have to admit they have a problem and want to deal with it. My ex-MIL became an alcoholic, and there was nothing that any of her family could do to help her. She couldn't see that she had a problem, and no-one could persuade her otherwise.

Sadly, by the time she did decide that she had a problem and wanted to stop, she'd developed cirrhosis of the liver, and the toxins were affecting her brain. She got confused, couldn't walk and often couldn't speak. They managed to deal with that at the hospital, but then her bowel perforated, she developed a massive infection and they couldn't operate to deal with it as her blood wasn't clotting properly. She died in horrible agony.

Here's hoping your pal does have a moment of clarity and realises that the drinking has to stop.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

He is cuttently trying to detox himself,so starting with the 3 bottles of wine a night, then he is reducing the amount by 200m and hopefully reducing his intake gradually.

Its a difficult one, the onus is purely on him and he sounds like he is aware he has a problem. Little cuts might be ok in the short term, but eventually he'll have to make serious inroads. Only he can do that when he's ready though.

 

[Leodis]

No one can help a bottle collector but themselves.