A very long time ago at the dawn of history, when there were only three vowels, i.e. before U or I were known, there was an assembly of cave-dwelling hominoids with ridges over their eyes and protruding chins, a bit like ex-pat Brits of today. The primitive tribal elders gathered together outside their caves at the foot of Mount Impossible to decide if they would like to invent a religion, having noticed that ‘all who drink coffee sooner or later go on to die'. This mountain used to be known as Mount Improbable, but each time they tried to raise funds to mount an expedition to climb it, they never received enough donations, so they changed the name. (They might have managed it if they had gone round the back, but the person who had made the map had used a "trick" to hide the incline. But I digress.) Be that as it may, the elders gathered in solemn assembly included the following:
AndyOxo, who was religiously inventing the world’s first primordial soup using - with mathematical precision - cubic roots as the main ingredient. Not a particularly natural selection if you ask me. His descendents, heirs and mutations became stinking rich from this; it was the first gravy train known to man.
Proto-Unkers, unbelievably irritating, and for whom there was an evidence-based scientific consensus that he was of a mutation that was, frankly, well beyond its sell by date. Many had tried to bring him up to date, but it was impossible for his brain (to the extent it still worked) to add new information.
Their lawyer was Hattrick (“Sue, Grabbit, and Run”) Stevens, magnificent teeth, his long wavy hair combed into a Celtic fringe, and who, as there were as yet no laws, spent his time drinking mead (he was the first of the Beaker Folk), grunting, and writing crude in the sense of simple inscriptions on tree bark and showing them to Cloudier, the cook. His bark was worse than his bite. He was supposed to keep the minutes, but couldn’t as there was no way of telling the time.
Cloudier the cook has gone down in history as the Mother of all Catering Staff. Legend has it she had a large chest in which she kept all her cooking utensils. She would spend all day over a hot cauldron cooking monstrous amounts of spaghetti. The pot was heated by burning fossils, as that was still possible back then as they weren't as old as they are now, until some clown came along and banned this. Her other specialty was to kill a thesaurus (descended from the similar looking ignoramus) and then cook it on a spit. (So early man and the thesaurus did coexist.) This was turned one quarter very regularly every quarter of an hour (“Count one to fifteen slowly”) to make sure it was heated consistently, a process known as punctuated equilibrium. The kitchen was kept meticulously clean, as her friend, Richard, once told her that eating food with any bacteria on it was tantamount to cannibalism. Her assistant, Arch, was responsible for digging the garden.
User482, who invented the shoe, and was the first in history to get people talking cobblers.
Keith Oates should have been there, but he was doing porridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was Ken, tucking into a chunk of ham, who always had an answer for everything, not that anyone believed him.
The leader was a mild-mannered creature that was half bird and half ape, and you could get him to lecture on all sorts of interesting subjects, if you weren’t careful. Nothing happened that he didn’t keep his beady eye on. He was known to eat thesaurus raw, but I am at a loss for words to know what to say about this.
Did they invent a religion? Hymns ancient and prehistoric! Who knows? Who cares? It's possible they might have worshipped the sun, but then the subject may well have been too hot for them to handle, or simply gone right over their heads. We do know that they met for several days, but whether “day” then was the same as our 24 hours is impossible to say at this late stage. They built a 'henge' to try to keep track of the time, but it was unlikely to have been at all accurate as the man who designed and calibrated it was blind. We do know that they built a network of roads, not complete as there were missing links, but nevertheless extensive. (For more information on this, see Troglodytes with Theodolites in Wikipedia. If you can’t find it, ask one of your colleagues.) Construction must have been a mammoth task. They did this in anticipation of the invention of the wheel. This only goes to show that transport policy, then as now, was an unguided process with no purpose. When the wheel finally rolled up, no-one could tell whether this was by accident or by design. All the argument relating to this simply goes round in circles, and no doubt will continue to do so until someone puts a spoke in it.
Well, this story has been added to, subtracted from, copied, changed, amended, debated, translated, interpreted, used for lighting fires and even taken to the little room, but it is clearly the basis and true origin of the myth still current that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been orbiting the sun in a teapot for the last 17 million years (approx.).
Myth it may be, but it is still useful for teaching young people of today good behaviour and how to avoid Bad Company.....
AndyOxo, who was religiously inventing the world’s first primordial soup using - with mathematical precision - cubic roots as the main ingredient. Not a particularly natural selection if you ask me. His descendents, heirs and mutations became stinking rich from this; it was the first gravy train known to man.
Proto-Unkers, unbelievably irritating, and for whom there was an evidence-based scientific consensus that he was of a mutation that was, frankly, well beyond its sell by date. Many had tried to bring him up to date, but it was impossible for his brain (to the extent it still worked) to add new information.
Their lawyer was Hattrick (“Sue, Grabbit, and Run”) Stevens, magnificent teeth, his long wavy hair combed into a Celtic fringe, and who, as there were as yet no laws, spent his time drinking mead (he was the first of the Beaker Folk), grunting, and writing crude in the sense of simple inscriptions on tree bark and showing them to Cloudier, the cook. His bark was worse than his bite. He was supposed to keep the minutes, but couldn’t as there was no way of telling the time.
Cloudier the cook has gone down in history as the Mother of all Catering Staff. Legend has it she had a large chest in which she kept all her cooking utensils. She would spend all day over a hot cauldron cooking monstrous amounts of spaghetti. The pot was heated by burning fossils, as that was still possible back then as they weren't as old as they are now, until some clown came along and banned this. Her other specialty was to kill a thesaurus (descended from the similar looking ignoramus) and then cook it on a spit. (So early man and the thesaurus did coexist.) This was turned one quarter very regularly every quarter of an hour (“Count one to fifteen slowly”) to make sure it was heated consistently, a process known as punctuated equilibrium. The kitchen was kept meticulously clean, as her friend, Richard, once told her that eating food with any bacteria on it was tantamount to cannibalism. Her assistant, Arch, was responsible for digging the garden.
User482, who invented the shoe, and was the first in history to get people talking cobblers.
Keith Oates should have been there, but he was doing porridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was Ken, tucking into a chunk of ham, who always had an answer for everything, not that anyone believed him.
The leader was a mild-mannered creature that was half bird and half ape, and you could get him to lecture on all sorts of interesting subjects, if you weren’t careful. Nothing happened that he didn’t keep his beady eye on. He was known to eat thesaurus raw, but I am at a loss for words to know what to say about this.
Did they invent a religion? Hymns ancient and prehistoric! Who knows? Who cares? It's possible they might have worshipped the sun, but then the subject may well have been too hot for them to handle, or simply gone right over their heads. We do know that they met for several days, but whether “day” then was the same as our 24 hours is impossible to say at this late stage. They built a 'henge' to try to keep track of the time, but it was unlikely to have been at all accurate as the man who designed and calibrated it was blind. We do know that they built a network of roads, not complete as there were missing links, but nevertheless extensive. (For more information on this, see Troglodytes with Theodolites in Wikipedia. If you can’t find it, ask one of your colleagues.) Construction must have been a mammoth task. They did this in anticipation of the invention of the wheel. This only goes to show that transport policy, then as now, was an unguided process with no purpose. When the wheel finally rolled up, no-one could tell whether this was by accident or by design. All the argument relating to this simply goes round in circles, and no doubt will continue to do so until someone puts a spoke in it.
Well, this story has been added to, subtracted from, copied, changed, amended, debated, translated, interpreted, used for lighting fires and even taken to the little room, but it is clearly the basis and true origin of the myth still current that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been orbiting the sun in a teapot for the last 17 million years (approx.).
Myth it may be, but it is still useful for teaching young people of today good behaviour and how to avoid Bad Company.....
