It is almost Friday so....

[cisamcgu]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a
huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he
beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish
by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is
Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to
the lions he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls
the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.. He
grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what
to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat
anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to
another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps
with mushy bees."

 

[walker]

superb

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Me smilies didn't work. So I'll say it - brilliant

 

[redfox]

Didn't see that coming! Immediately forwarded to the wife and kids.

 

[bonj2]

Old, but...
In the days of the british empire, the ruler of australia is angling to get their status upgraded, so he goes to the queen and says "Your maj, do you think we could classify Australia as an empire?"
She says "no, for that you'd have to be an emperor, and I don't think you're worthy of emperor status."
"Well, could we perhaps call it a kingdom then?"
Her maj replies, "no, for that you'd have to be a King, and I don't think you're worthy of that either."
"OK, then, what about a principality??"
"Nah,", the queen retorts, "you're not really even worthy of being a prince. I think Australia is actually fine as a country."

 

[Arch]

hee hee!

 

[alecstilleyedye]

i sense a frost melting somewhere…

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Very good bonj

 

[Graham O]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the pavement in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks out to take a closer look.

"That is a nice fire engine," he says admiringly. "Thanks, Mister Fireman," The girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the Wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think You could go faster."

The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[Panter]

PMSL

Fegging superb

 

[bonj2]

A boy wakes up in the night and wanders into his mum and dads room. The dad is giving the mum a right royal seeing to, all puffing and panting away, and as soon as the dad notices he throws a pillow at the little boy and shouts get out.

The next night the dad hears noises from the boys room, all puffing and panting away, so he goes in and sees his son shagging his granny! "What the bloody hells going on?" yells the dad, the boy throws a pillow at him and says "See, how do you like it?"

Think about it, think about it

if I walked into a room and saw my son shagging my granny, I'd think "what the hell are you shagging your great-granny for?!" Ba-dum!

 

[WindyRob]

A boy wakes up in the night and wanders into his mum and dads room. The dad is giving the mum a right royal seeing to, all puffing and panting away, and as soon as the dad notices he throws a pillow at the little boy and shouts get out.

The next night the dad hears noises from the boys room, all puffing and panting away, so he goes in and sees his son shagging his granny! "What the bloody hells going on?" yells the dad, the boy throws a pillow at him and says "See, how do you like it?"

Think about it, think about it

that one was on the forum a couple of weeks ago but with the dad laughing at the boy and throwing a pillow, and when his dad sees his son and granny the reply by the boy is "not so funny when it's your mum is it" great joke really made me laugh

Windy

 

[yenrod]

I recall a great joke that turned out that a wife got rogered silly by the fire station after an all night bender: anyone recall that ! Something to do with flowers...

 

[Aperitif]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol,whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls
him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water
again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and
asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?