Job adverts in plain language.

[Brandane]

Been looking around for a new venture and have been struck by the amount of flowery language in some job advertisements. I reckon I have done enough job searching over the years, and indeed done enough different jobs, to spot a lemon when I see one.

Here is one example:

It’s a challenging role with a full workload, which involves working in a busy, dynamic and performance oriented environment. Therefore the ability to effectively plan and organise your work is essential.

In plain language..... It's stressful. You're going to get shafted!

 

[Drago]

I love the phrase "...will need to be a self-starter..."

Translation - we can't be arsed to train you.

 

[Brandane]

A favourite amongst haulage companies is "Must be fully conversant with Driver's hours regulations and the European working time directive".

Translation - you're going to be working the maximum hours that you are legally allowed to work (currently 145 hours in 14 days).

 

[Drago]

Competitive salary.

Translation:

Crap salary.

 

[Brandane]

"Meets the requirements of national minimum wage" = National minimum wage is exactly what you'll get and not a penny more.

 

[Inertia]

The ability to multitask

Translation

You will be overworked

 

[Yellow Fang]

I love the phrase "...will need to be a self-starter..."

Translation - we can't be arsed to train you.

We won't tell you what to do and we'll blame you when you're not doing it.

 

[Brandane]

"Must be flexible" = You'll be doing jobs that are completely irrelevant to the one you are applying for. A certain local leisure company, this means you. You could have been more honest in the job description and made it clearer that a "leisure assistant" is actually a cleaner. I might have stayed longer than 3 weeks not applied if I'd known.....

Edit to remove company name....

 

[Drago]

XYZ executive = salesperson.

XYZ manager = overworked salesperson.

Basic salary + commission = basic salary is all you're getting matey.

Blue chip clients = the M&S van visits at lunchtime.

Subsidised gym = you subsidise it by paying for it out your wages.

 

[Inertia]

Able to think outside of the box

We haven't got a scooby, maybe you have some ideas

 

[Brandane]

"Must be able to work without supervision" = We will be feeding you to the lions. Good luck.

 

[Slick]

"Must be able to work without supervision" = We will be feeding you to the lions. Good luck.

 

[Profpointy]

We won't tell you what to do and we'll blame you when you're not doing it.

Not entirely fair, at least not necesserily. If I hire someone to deal with an area or a problem I generally want them to work out what needs doing themselves and just crack on. eg The first chap who I hired - I'd just say can you look at such and such and that ws 6 months "management" done in 10 minutes. I didn't know the details of the the technology involved and neither did he but being a (very able) "self starter" he found out all about it and was quickly the company expert.

 

[Brandane]

"You will be working on a self employed basis" = Let's see just how stupid and/or desperate you are. You won't even be earning minimum wage, you'll get no paid holidays, no sick pay, no redundancy, no rights. You'll work when it suits us, then we'll dump you when the work dries up.

 

[Dave 123]

I thought about applying for a new job the other week. One of the reasons that stopped me was this-

Please state your current salary and what your salary expectations are.

Just have the decency to put what you're prepared to offer.