1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Joke of the day

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by col, 6 Dec 2007.

  1. col

    col Veteran

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
    pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
    bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
    "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."


    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

    Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

    "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
    testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
    moments later with a black Labrador.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
    put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
    bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with
    a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird
    from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches,
    shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
    most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
    bill, which he handed to the woman.

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150
    just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

    The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
    have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds
    up."
     
  2. yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    :smile:
     
  3. Bigtallfatbloke

    Bigtallfatbloke New Member

  4. marinyork

    marinyork Resting in suspended Animation

    Location:
    Logopolis
    Not heard a duck joke since that how many ducks in a line that wasn't supposed to be a joke :smile:
     
  5. Dayvo

    Dayvo Just passin' through

    Location:
    O' slO'
    Like it, col! :smile:
     
  6. Dayvo

    Dayvo Just passin' through

    Location:
    O' slO'
    But what was the answer again? I can't remember, despite there being hundreds of postings! :smile:
     
  7. abchandler

    abchandler Senior Member

    Location:
    Worcs, UK
    If only there was just one answer:biggrin:
     
  8. OP
    OP
    col

    col Veteran

    A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
    As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
    Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
    The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
    'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
    'Your turn,' says the man.
    'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
     
  9. Lord of the Teapot

    Lord of the Teapot New Member

    Hahaha.gif
     
  10. OP
    OP
    col

    col Veteran

    Im a little bored ,so here is another.


    A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
    The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
    The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
    "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
    Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
    "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
    Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
    The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
    Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
    "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
     
  11. Pete

    Pete Guest

    ;):tongue::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin: best I've seen for a long time, and new to me!
     
  12. OP
    OP
    col

    col Veteran

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
    enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    T he Priest coughs a few times to get his
    attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
    F inally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    T he drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin,
    there's no paper on this side either!'
     
  13. yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
    The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
    The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
    The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
    The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
    So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
    The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
    The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
     
  14. Speck

    Speck Oldest Teenager In Town

    Location:
    Nr Bath
    Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
    their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
    So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*ck off!"