Komedy Corner

[walker]

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "great weather, eh?" and I thought "wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm like using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to sh!t and I said "hey, great weather!".

 

[walker]

At a meeting in a synagogue, Yossef asks the Rabbi, "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?"
The Rabbi says, "that's an interesting question. How about we all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka. Each one of you should bring a bottle so we can mix it in a big pot and drink and discuss, and the answer will become clear."
Yossef went home and thought to himself, "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, if I bring a bottle of water then no-one will notice the difference."
And water was what he brought.
The Rabbi poured all the vodka together in one pot and started mixing it.
Yossef got anxious. "Well, Rabbi, what is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?"
The Rabbi filled a cup and said, "drink this Yossef."
Yossef did and said, "but this is water!"
"And this is why the people hate us."

 

[walker]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,

only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious...


Here she is in the middle of her first run for President

as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her.


She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen?

With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!

How could you? I can't believe this!

I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?"



There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.



She screams again, "Did you hear me?"



Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice,

in a barely audible whisper, he asks:

"Who's speaking?"

 

[walker]

We started calling my grandad spiderman recently. He hasnt got any special powers or anything, he just has trouble getting out of the bath.

 

[Mr Pig]

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony
was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you?'


"Doc, I can't stop singing "the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."

What's got 4 legs and an arm ?
A happy Rottweiler !!

Two elephants walk off a cliff......
boom boom!

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
No idea.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes, no legs and no head?
Venison!

Pat and Mick are digging a hole.
Pat says to Mick:
"What time is it Mick?"
"Ah, it's five past ten Pat"
Some time later Pat asks Mick the time again and Pat says:
Ah, it's five past ten Pat
Pat says: "Wait a minute" and grabs Mick arm. "That's a jelly watch you've got on Mick ya edjit!"
Mick says: "Ah well, anything does for your work eh"

An Irishman walks into a bar with a pig under his arm.
"Where did you get that thing" asks the barman.
"I won it in a raffle" said the pig.