Letter from Inland Revenue...

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by ChrisW, 25 Sep 2007.

  1. ChrisW

    ChrisW Senior Member

    I just received this from my tax office...

    "Dear Mr Wright,

    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
    reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you
    raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

    Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
    "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax
    demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
    crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being
    from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
    gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see
    you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely
    they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute
    to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

    Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
    truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
    canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking fa*ade of a university system."

    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
    1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do
    with the vagaries of the postal system;
    2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
    nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if
    the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
    logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
    wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.

    Yours sincerely,
    H J Lee
    Customer Relations"

    Most unfair of them to insist on having their money...
  2. Cycling Naturalist

    Cycling Naturalist Legendary Member

    Can you let redders use this phrase please?
  3. Twenty Inch

    Twenty Inch New Member

    Behind a desk
    xx( :sad: I so want this to be true......
  4. OP

    ChrisW Senior Member

  5. OP

    ChrisW Senior Member

    All yours...
  6. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    I'd check their genuine. The Inland Revenue no longer exists.
  7. Melvil

    Melvil Standard nerd

    Very droll...
  8. Arch

    Arch Married to Night Train

    Salford, UK
    Drat. Marrows is the only curcubit I've had any luck with this season, all my courgettes died. Now I'm going to come down to the allotment one day to find the tax man sucking them...
  9. ChrisKH

    ChrisKH Veteran

    Yippee break out the champagne! The dark forces have been defeated. Oh hang on, they've merged with the Dementors at HM Customs & Excise....................xx(

    (This letter's been doing the rounds for a number of years, I think).
  10. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Well if their still using old letter headed paper there is every chance the letter may be false. Local office has been using HMRC letterhead for a while now.
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