When we moved house recently we had to register at a new GP surgery. They have an 'induction' process where they measure your height, weight, blood pressure etc. When it came to the alcohol question I was honest that I probably exceeded the recommended levels by 3 or 4 units some weeks (usually if there's some work socialising), but have 2-3 non drinking days as recommended and am otherwise in excellent health.
The eyebrows of the Practice Nurse undertaking the examination (who was a rather straight laced spinster, as far as I could work out) shot up to her hairline, and she then went off and returned, with some ceremony, with an additional questionnaire about "Excessive Alcohol Consumption". This followed:
PN "Is there a history of heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure in your family?"
Me "No"
PN "Has your drinking ever impaired your ability to work?"
Me "No"
PN "Do you find that your sleep is impaired by alcohol, or take alcohol to go to sleep at night, or to wake up in the morning?
Me - starting to get irate at being treated like a gutter dwelling dipso " No, never!"
PN "Do you find that this interfers with your family life, or your responsibilities to your children?"
Me - thinking WTF, is this for real, and deciding I'm going to have some fun "No, never, I spend all day Saturday and Sunday with them.........at the pub" Que big dig in the ribs from my wife.
PN " What you take you children to the pub every weekend??!!!"
Me " Yes, they love it. They've even got their own tankards at my local"
PN " Mr Slowwww, that is really not advisable!! Children need stimulation and fresh air!!"
Me “That’s alright, the pub’s got a big garden with a table tennis table, and if it's raining I give them money for the fruit machine"
Wife gives me a huge whack on the arm, and the penny finally drops with the PN that I’ve been winding her up.
About a year later when I’ve made an appointment to see the doctor to get jabs for a holiday, it becomes obvious that he’s got a copy of the questionnaire and that the PN has recorded my answers verbatim.
He looks me up and down, glances at the questionnaire again, and says “well Mr Slowwww, I take it you had some sport with our Practice Nurse?”
Top bloke.