Modern Nursery rhymes

[Fnaar]

Judge Dread brings back memories of fairgrounds and summertime, when I had no idea who the heck Judge dread was, but knew that the songs were considered a bit 'naughty' for a 12yr old to be listening to. But pumping the air to this (and Gary Glitter, I seem to remember) whilst going round and round on the dodgems trying to hit as many people as possible is a happy memory. Best at this was my friend John, who within 6yrs had hit a tree on his motorbike and died

 

[machew]

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But I've never seen her bear.



Willie thought that life was a bore,
So he drank some H2SO4.
But his dad was an M.D.
Who gave him some CaCO3.
Now Willie's neutralized, it's true,
But he's also full of CO2!

 

[Globalti]

My Grandad used to recite this one, which I have never heard since:

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced each another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A blind man came to see fair play,
A dumb man came to shout "hooray!"
A galloping horse came walking by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Kicked him over a stone-brick wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

 

[machew]

A deaf policeman heard the noise,

and came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!


missing lines

 

[Cheddar George]

Big Six? By Judge Dead. (Edit, it was DREAD, but the fact he's no longer with us makes the typo somehow apt!)
I reckon it's more like 40 years old!

I checked one of my posts for typos recently and realised that i had typed "Tata Modern" instead of "Tate Modern"........ i hope that's not prophetic.

 

[Melonfish]

havent heard the two dead men one in YEARS!

one i always remember:
Mary had a little lamb
she also had a duck
she put them on the mantlepiece
to see if they would....fall off..

mary had a little lamb she kept it in a bucket,
and every time that it got out her father tried to...
put it back in again..

Mary had a little pig,
she kept it fat and plastered.
and when the price of pork went up
she shot the little B-

and tho not a rhyme certainly something a quirky old fella i once knew used to say.

"Whoopie! she cried, waving her wooden leg in the air as she disappeared up her own a- er.. bum in a cloud of blue smoke!"

 

[tyred]

Mary had a little bike
She rode it on the grass
And every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her dress.

Mary had a little bike
With a basket on the front
And every time the wheels went round
You could hear the bearings rumble.

Mary clearly bought her bike in Halfords

 

[tyred]

There was a young woman from......oh they're supposed to be for children!

 

[Cubist]

There was a young woman from......oh they're supposed to be for children!

Limerics? Now yer talking

There once was a Bishop of Buckingham.... er no, hang on, I've got a reputation to think of...

Oh I know

The Curate of Dunstan St Just,
Consumed with erotical lust
Raped the Parson's prize fowls,
Buggered four startled owls
And a little green lizard which bust.

 

[Friz]

It's all going downhill from here I'm afraid....

The great god of olden Norse myth,
Picked a girl with a lisp to be with.
When he roared "I AM THOR!"
She replied from the floor,
"Me too, I'm so thor I can't pith!"

 

[subaqua]

There once was a man named Mort
Whose thing was decidedly short.
When he climbed into bed
His ladyfriend said,
"That's not a thing it's a wart.

wasn't sure we could do limericks, as i remembered this cracker

 

[subaqua]

There once was a lady from Ealing,
Who protested she lacked sexual feeling,
til a cynic named Boris,
Touched her C******s,
And the scraped her off the ceiling

 

[numbnuts]

In my darkest hours by me

Do not weep when I'm gone
for it is I that chose the time to go
to be hounded like a wanted man
for money I can not supply
for a daughter I do not see
so please don't weep when I'm gone
for I will find happiness later on.

 

[4F]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
I don't know what they did up there,
but now they've got a daughter.

 

[TVC]

Thanks to HMHB:

Mary had a little lamb,
the doctors were astounded.
everywhere that Mary went
gynaecologists surrounded.