Porkies you have told — and been believed?

[gbb]

Nearly got caught out telling porkies by my boss, so i told more to get out of it

I developed this knack of telling someone what they wanted to hear, straight faced as you like, even if it wasn't true. Dealing with 20 engineers enquiries and requests took a bit of juggling sometimes, so it helped...brought you a bit of time.

Site manager to me..
'You have ordered those bits hav'nt you ?'
'Yep, they're due any time'...(i hadn't ordered them )
He looked at me disbelievingly ...
'use that phone there and ring them, chase them up' (he knew i was probably bullsh1tting and wasn't letting me off the hook easily)
Without batting an eyelid i replied....'i can't, i havn't got their number with me' ( i knew it off by heart)

 

[Cheddar George]

My daughter asked what the MMR jab was for ......... Measles Mumps and Red hair i replied. It was only when i started to go into a fantastical explanation of how the WHO were trying to eradicate the ginger hair gene by 2050 that she decided that i might not be telling the truth.

 

[brokenflipflop]

Dinner in a University hall of Residence (many years ago, I admit). A student I despised was sitting half a dozen places away. He asked for the chocolate sauce. I noticed that the gravy jug had been left from the main course, so I started it on its journey to him.

Chocolate sauce...Gravy jugs... Students, for crying out loud !

 

[vernon]

I convinced my son was that I'd bequeathed my vinyl collection to a colleague. I lived the lie for five years. It ate away at him though he reluctantly accepted that it was not to be his. Every now and then he proposed compromises which were gently rejected with fake regret. The rest at Levy Towers were in on the act and supported the tale.

I don't know how he discovered that he's been had. I suppose it was a bit like discovering that Santa didn't exist but with the opposite emotional response.

He still believes!!

His latest whinge about the vinyl was only last month according to my wife. That's a six year porky. I don't think I'll ever beat that one.

 

[Red Light]

My MiL wanted to get some binoculars so I told her to tell the shop she wanted proper ones as with cheap ones you could only see in black and white.

 

[Nantmor]

Chocolate sauce...Gravy jugs... Students, for crying out loud !

Sorry old boy, don't catch your drift.

 

[Night Train]

He still believes!!

His latest whinge about the vinyl was only last month according to my wife. That's a six year porky. I don't think I'll ever beat that one.

Classic!

 

[brokenflipflop]

Dinner at Downton Abbey hall of Residence (many years ago, I admit). A student I despised was sitting half a dozen places away. He asked for the chocolate sauce. I noticed that the gravy jug had been left from the main course, so I started it on its journey to him past the caviar, Bollinger and eventually it reached Tarquin.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

When Jamming with a band in malaysia I was asked for a request...."Hey Gary...play parissiane walkways"..so Gary did

 

[Nantmor]

Very witty. I wondered if that was your problem. Not all universities are like an Oxbridge college. The hall I lived in may have aspired to that ambiance, but was almost newly built. The dining room more resembled a canteen, and the jugs in question were anodised aluminium, green and purple, I think, not hallmarked Georgian silver. You may remove your chip.

 

[Glow worm]

When I was about 6, I asked my Dad why the Ridge and Furrow fields we were walking through were all bumpy. He said they did it in the war to stop the Germans from landing! I must have been at least 20 before I realised that wasn't quite true.

 

[stephec]

I can't stand the mother-in-law. Imagine "Shameless", "my big fat gypsy wedding" and "Benidorm" times it by 10 and welcome to her world. She's also a Man U fan (typical). When we were on speaking terms she was bragging about her new Man U credit card. I sent her a text message from my work computer along the lines of "congratulations on your new credit card. You were automatically entered into a prize draw and you've won two tickets for Saturday's home game - go to the ticket office at Old Trafford to claim your tickets and quote ref: win38942" When I got home from work my wife phoned me - The mother in law had got her other son-in-law to have a day off work to take her to Old Trafford to claim her tickets. Apparently she was there over an hour complaining that she knows she's won the tickets because she had the reference number to prove it. To say she was livid is an understatement. I didn't even let on to my wife that I'd done it. I know the mother-in-law's not sure it was me, otherwise I'd be swimming with the fishes right now. Rightly or wrongly I've gained a huge amount of pleasure from it because she is a vile human being.

Quality!

BWFC for ever.

 

[Black Sheep]

My wife often asks me about various technical / historical things when we're out an about,
my favorite is the large white arrow cut into and painted into the hillside on the top of Brean Down, Somerset. When asked what it was for, I replied it was for pilots to check their bearings and navigational equipment when heading out across to America, first put there to line concorde up for new york as the navigation equipment didn't work at supersonic speeds.

20 mins later, walking back across it she asked a further question, I failed to keep a straight face and admitted I didn't know, but assumed it to have its origins in WW2 aviation

I was right, it was put there to direct bombers onto a bombing range.

 

[Lisa21]

I can't stand the mother-in-law. Imagine "Shameless", "my big fat gypsy wedding" and "Benidorm" times it by 10 and welcome to her world. She's also a Man U fan (typical). When we were on speaking terms she was bragging about her new Man U credit card. I sent her a text message from my work computer along the lines of "congratulations on your new credit card. You were automatically entered into a prize draw and you've won two tickets for Saturday's home game - go to the ticket office at Old Trafford to claim your tickets and quote ref: win38942" When I got home from work my wife phoned me - The mother in law had got her other son-in-law to have a day off work to take her to Old Trafford to claim her tickets. Apparently she was there over an hour complaining that she knows she's won the tickets because she had the reference number to prove it. To say she was livid is an understatement. I didn't even let on to my wife that I'd done it. I know the mother-in-law's not sure it was me, otherwise I'd be swimming with the fishes right now. Rightly or wrongly I've gained a huge amount of pleasure from it because she is a vile human being.

FAB!!!!!
Evil, but fab!!
Reminds me of the time I was made completely against my will to go to someones house and meet her when I would far rather have been nailing the coffin lid downI excused myself to use the bathroom(before I made my coffin-fantasy into reality)and squeezed half a tube of Immac into her hair-conditioner
Am not usually evil but god forbid, the words "vile human being" would have made her sound too nice...

 

[TheDoctor]

*makes mental note not to annoy Lisa21*