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Stamp Collector

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by yenrod, 30 May 2008.

  1. yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

    "You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

    "Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

    "Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"
     
  2. OP
    OP
    yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get
    something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.





    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's
    one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even
    feed the dogs. We'll just wait."





    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."





    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.





    The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."





    "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."





    "Why not?" asked the son.





    "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
     
  3. ...so he went and she became a new Miss Matist - don't tell me...
     
  4. OP
    OP
    yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are overly sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an overly sensitive woman.

    My name is Nick. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Wanda.

    When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Wanda to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed
    she was beginning to show her age.

    I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it usually seems to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

    I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any(if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
    cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Wanda. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men WIll find it
    difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
    better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
    wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...



    Nick

    EDITOR'S NOTE: Nick died suddenly Thursday Feb 9th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his backside with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Wanda was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it.
     
  5. OP
    OP
    yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    A recent study asked a group of women if their twat twitched after sex. 98% said no he just lays there scratching his balls!
     
  6. Milo

    Milo Veteran

    Location:
    Melksham, Wilts
  7. OP
    OP
    yenrod

    yenrod Guest

    >In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
    >spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
    >Woman would live long and healthy lives.
    >
    >Then using God's bountiful gifts,
    >Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.
    >
    >And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that?
    >And Man said "Yes!"
    >
    >And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".
    >And lo they gained 10 pounds.
    >
    >And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman
    >might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
    >
    >And Satan brought forth white flour from the
    >wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.
    >
    >And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
    >So God said "Try my fresh green salad".
    >
    >And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the
    >side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
    >
    >God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables
    >and olive oil in which to cook them".
    >
    >And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
    >lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
    >platter.
    >
    >And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
    >
    >Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in
    >fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
    >
    >Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced
    >the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them
    >in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
    >
    >And Man put on more pounds.
    >
    >God then brought forth running shoes so that
    >his Children might lose those extra pounds.
    >
    >And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control
    >so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
    >
    >And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
    >started wearing stretch jogging suits.
    >
    >Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume
    >fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
    >
    >And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan

    >said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".
    >
    >And Satan said "It is good."
    >
    >And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
    >
    >God sighed . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
    >
    >And then . Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.