Tea? (Part 2)

[Night Train]

I like Mozart operas, easy listening.

 

[TVC]

Deep

TVC isn't into that kind of thing so we don't have any in the house. My mum likes opera and used to play it when we were growing up so I had a taste of it from an early age.

You're making me out to be some sort of control freak.

 

[Arch]

Doing my best, with Arch's help, at the moment.
Thank you.

Well, I'm doing my best too. I bossed NT around tidying one of his workshops this afternoon, which was hopefully both therapeutic and useful.

Alas, I'm home now, work again tomorrow. It's going to be a bit of a mad week here for various reasons. So I'm making sure I've got tip top nutrition tonight, with a Big Mac meal....

 

[Night Train]

I slept s few hours last night so a bit more alive this morning.
I have won a cast iron, roll top bath with ball and claw feet, from Ebay for £30!

I've got to pick it up soon and bring it indoors and up to the second floor.
first though.

 

[Night Train]

Hmmmmm, I seem to have passed 10,000 posts. I wonder how that happened?

 

[Night Train]

Has @Potsy upset @Speicher again?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...nt-barred-owl-snatched-domestic-cat-meal.html



Never mind, Might Mouse to the rescue!

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/916272-the-mouse-that-soared-leaping-rodent-captured-by-photographer

 

[Nihal]

The black dog. He has been creeping up on me again, big time, for the last month I guess.
It isn't helped by the psychology referral that was made 11 months ago never arrived at the psychology unit so I have had to chase it up myself and sort out where it all went wrong. I should have been seen and under treatment at least 6 months ago.

Apparently it will take a few days for a fax to be sent of the original referral and then a week before I get triage.

In the meantime I am and trying not to give up.

But why you get after crying??

 

[Nihal]

Has @Potsy upset @Speicher again?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...nt-barred-owl-snatched-domestic-cat-meal.html

 

[Night Train]

But why you get after crying??

Because emotions are 'manic' so really happy and active and then really down and sad. It all runs to extremes which is the problem. I can't stabilise the feelings of looking forward to something good and feeling absolute despair and so they swing wildly from one to another out of my control. Everything seems to be all or nothing.
That makes it difficult to explain to people sometimes if they only seem to see me when I am happy and active.

It does mean that left to my own devises I can sometimes achieve a lot of stuff, making things, sorting paperwork, house work, preparing for work and it all looks good. But then there are other days when I don't want to get out of bed and cannot get the drive to do anything, and just sit and type on here or watch daytime TV for hours on end and achieve nothing.

I am trying to keep to routines, like getting up and making tea, planning daily tasks, having dinner, doing washing up and laundry, just so that I don't waste all the time not doing stuff.
Also the small daily achievements help to keep things in perspective so I can cope and none of the chores mounts up to a task I can't cope with and run away from.

One good thing is that I pay all my bills on time as I am more afraid of letting them mount up with with interest and late payment fees then of wondering where the money is coming from to pay them now.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

NT - sounds like you are doing the correct things in general. Keep up the good work

 

[Nihal]

Go NT

 

[Speicher]

a big for NT

 

[Gromit]

Because emotions are 'manic' so really happy and active and then really down and sad. It all runs to extremes which is the problem. I can't stabilise the feelings of looking forward to something good and feeling absolute despair and so they swing wildly from one to another out of my control. Everything seems to be all or nothing.
That makes it difficult to explain to people sometimes if they only seem to see me when I am happy and active.

It does mean that left to my own devises I can sometimes achieve a lot of stuff, making things, sorting paperwork, house work, preparing for work and it all looks good. But then there are other days when I don't want to get out of bed and cannot get the drive to do anything, and just sit and type on here or watch daytime TV for hours on end and achieve nothing.

I am trying to keep to routines, like getting up and making tea, planning daily tasks, having dinner, doing washing up and laundry, just so that I don't waste all the time not doing stuff.
Also the small daily achievements help to keep things in perspective so I can cope and none of the chores mounts up to a task I can't cope with and run away from.

One good thing is that I pay all my bills on time as I am more afraid of letting them mount up with with interest and late payment fees then of wondering where the money is coming from to pay them now.

Have been seeing a councillor for about a month or so now, every Monday. What I'm beginning to understand is that its not my parents messing with my head now, all that happened for the first 19 years of my life. I was constantly told I was worthless and stupid, I watched my parents fight and my mum's abuse by my father. My mum would always say it was my fault, that I was like my father. (I digress somewhat).

What I have to come to terms with is that I have become the abuser, I'm the person who bullies me, not my parents, the people at school. I hit myself, swear, call myself thick, stupid and worthless. I hide my emotions, I laugh at them, thinking myself weak if I allow myself to cry. There is a battle between my head and my emotions, when I talk about things that happened in my childhood, I laugh it off, feel myself wanting to cry, but my head pushes those feelings away and locks them away. The constant battle is exhausting, sitting in a room with someone pointing out my behaviour to me has made me recognise that I'm extremely guarded about myself.

I am afraid of my emotions, that they will make me out of control if I unlock that box and let them out. I don't want to be seen as being weak. I'm tired of the internal fight. I have three more sessions left with the councillor. I don't understand why I'm so scared of crying about what I never had. I guess I need to be able to accept it, accept what happened, grieve for the loss of my childhood, not having a loving mother and father, grieve for not having closure from my mum before she died. She never acknowledged that she should have been the one protecting me, not siding with my dad.

I have reached a point in my life were it (what ever that is) is messing with my life, it is stopping me from doing things, I'm full of self hate, I don't have the confidence to do anything, through fear what people will think of me. It's affecting me, and my relationships with others, If I lock down nothing can hurt me any more, but that's the abuser taking over.

It's not easy to get to the bottom of the problem, but accepting that it's possible that you are the cause of your problems rather than any external reason is a difficult step to take, and one that you will need help doing. It's difficult to talk about it with people you are closed to as they find it difficult to understand.

 

[Nihal]

Gromit

 

[phil_hg_uk]

Today I have been mostly putting up my log store