The Friday Joke

[Gerry Attrick]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move,
the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and
he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had
to say for himself.

The young man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like
this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but
notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned..

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '
Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I
had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I
could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident'... I just lost it.'

 

[ChrisM]

AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder..
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the shed for the sponge, car shampoo etc, I notice letters in the mail box.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

Put the junk mail in the little recycle bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full so need to take it out to the green recycle box.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the lounge,

So I go inside the house to the desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,

But first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,

And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,

A vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

[Archie_tect]

Garden, what garden?

 

[tyred]

Playing Golf

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a lorry and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shed close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I ****ing hate playing with your Dad.

 

[ChrisM]

Q: What's the difference between a policeman's taser and a magician's wand?

A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

 

[fuzzy290]

When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.

I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

 

[661-Pete]

Very similar to the OP.

A big family gets on the bus at a busy time. Dad, Mum and six kids. There are just enough seats left for them all, so they take all the remaining seats.

A couple of stops later an old man carrying a walking stick gets on. There are no seats left so he has to stand. After a few minutes glowering at the family with its six kids all seated, none of whom seems willing to give up their seat, he resigns himself to his fate and spends the rest of the trip pacing up and down the aisle, tap-tap-tapping with his stick.

After a while the father has had enough. He says "Excuse me, my good man, but if you put a rubber ferrule on the end of your stick, it would make a lot less noise."

The old man retorts "Excuse ME, mister, but if you'd put a rubber on YOUR stick, I'd have a seat on the bus today."

 

[Deleted member 1258]

The Seven Dwarfs Meet The Pope​

“Go on Dopey ask him.” Chanted the other six.​

“Ok,” said Dopey. “ Your Grace, are there nuns in Alaska?”​

“Yes there are,” said the pope.
"Go on Dopey ask him,” urged the other six.​

“OK,” said Dopey. “Your Grace, are there black nuns in Alaska?”​

“Yes there are,” said the Pope.
“Go on Dopey ask him,” urged the other six.​

“OK,” said Dopey. “Your Grace, are there black midget nuns in Alaska?”​

“No there aren't,” said the Pope.
The other dwarfs started chanting “Dopey shagged a penguin.​

 

[NormanD]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control..'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's pissed.'

 

[Rhythm Thief]

^^

 

[Corvette chic]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control..'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's pissed.'

 

[Cubist]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey screeches with delight, jumps off the man's shoulder and charges round the bar grabbing all the lemon and orange slices in people's drinks, scoffs a huge bowl of peanuts and steals a bag of crisps from behind the bar, then jumps onto the pool table, and before the man can stop it, swallows the white ball.

The monkey's owner apologises profusely and tells the barman "I'm sorry, the bloody thing eats everything. Can I pay for the losses?"

The barman reckons the monkey has eaten about a fiver's worth of crisps and nuts, and tells the guy it'll cost fifteen quid to replace the white ball, so the guy stumps up twenty quid and beats a hasty retreat, taking the monkey with him.

Six months later the guy goes back into the bar, and the monkey once again jumps off his shoulder, dives behind the bar, grabs a maraschino cherry, sticks it up its arse, pulls it out and eats it.

The barman is gobsmacked:
"What the f*ck is it doing now?"
The guy replies
"Well it still eats absolutely everything, but ever since the incident with the pool ball it's learnt to measure it first."

 

[Sam Kennedy]

There is a woman trapped in a burning building, and a fireman deciding to be a hero runs in and rescues her. He tells her "This is odd, you are the 5th pregnant woman I've saved today".

She says "I'm not pregnant",

He says "You haven't been saved yet either..."