Things you'd like to say, but can't

[Mattonsea]

You are a lazy mouth breather who uses your children as a cash cow. You smoke in front of your kids but can't work out why they can't breath properly. Last week you did not see your kids for 3 whole days!! Then wonder why they don't love you. You claim more child care than you work , defrauding the rest of us!

You have given one thing to your children ..and that is the same miserable life you have, they will never aspire to anything because you suck the joy out of life.

 

[donnydave]

What I wanted to say was "I dont really want to be here at this meeting and I have no real authority to agree and implement what you are proposing. There are other suppliers cheaper and more convenient than you and we only use you when we are really stuck. Your presentation was a masterclass in business buzzwords".

What I accidentally said instead was "yes that's a great idea we should totally work together in a more strategic way, I'll set up a meeting for you with the major stakeholders in my office so we can roadmap our upcoming projects with you"

I've just remembered that meeting is coming up soon and I have yet to find a way to cancel it without me looking stupid

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

American Football at Wembley??

I'm sure it'll be ok and all, but I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than watch it!! Sorry.

 

[Maverick Goose]

Yes, I really love peeling my own body weight in potatoes!

 

[swee'pea99]

It is two weeks before you have to file your tax return, I will do it same as I have done it every year for you since I qualified. It will take me ten minutes online at most. Yes I do know this year is slightly different with your pensions. I have never filed it late for you I have never made a mistake on it. When I say I will do it this week when both small people are in school I will do it this week whilst both small people are in school. I do not need you mentioning it to me twice daily since the start of this year when I am waiting for you to give me the paperwork for your pensions. If you give me the paperwork I can complete it. No I will not do it whilst small people are around, I do not need the distraction. If we have the same conversation about doing it and me needing the paperwork from you again I will scream.

Yes when I filled in all your pension forms to various companies we did put it all in one big folder all together, no I do not know where you then put it. Do I really have to help you look for it? Oh I do, this weekend? yes why not it is not like I have 2 small children, a husband, dog and a house to look after, free as a bird me, of course I have an entire afternoon to turn your entire house upside down looking for the paperwork you have lost, which is somehow my fault.

I love you dearly Mum, but, just find & give me the paperwork and stop with the twice daily reminders.

If you kill her you won't have to worry about a pension. Just a thought.

 

[TVC]

What I wanted to say was "I dont really want to be here at this meeting and I have no real authority to agree and implement what you are proposing. There are other suppliers cheaper and more convenient than you and we only use you when we are really stuck. Your presentation was a masterclass in business buzzwords".

What I accidentally said instead was "yes that's a great idea we should totally work together in a more strategic way, I'll set up a meeting for you with the major stakeholders in my office so we can roadmap our upcoming projects with you"

I've just remembered that meeting is coming up soon and I have yet to find a way to cancel it without me looking stupid

Just tell them that you are currently exploring other opportunities but their proposals remain one viable option.

 

[Maverick Goose]

"Hey Mr Big Boss...did you ever have a Flock of Seagulls haircut?"

 

[TVC]

No no no. Leicester City are not the greatest team EVER. After years of just making the Championship playoffs and failing, they are now top of the league thanks to a bit of cash from South Korea (Korea FFS) and may get automatic promotion. Big flippin deal. No really, you didn't get this excited when your wife* fell pregnant with your first child.

* Still don't know how you got someone to agree to marry you.

 

[Pat "5mph"]

What I accidentally said instead was "yes that's a great idea we should totally work together in a more strategic way, I'll set up a meeting for you with the major stakeholders in my office so we can roadmap our upcoming projects with you"

Just tell them that you are currently exploring other opportunities but their proposals remain one viable option.

My total inability to talk diplomatic bows to you both

 

[TVC]

My total inability to talk diplomatic bows to you both

In my previous role, the ability to talk middle management bollox was a pre requisite. The drive to foster synergy between disperate corporate needs and develop a unified strategy delivering a common goal to the benifit of our customer base without actually comitting to any tangable deliverables is a core skill within the corporate environment.

In short a Thesaurus and bullshit gets you a long way in many companies.

 

[Pat "5mph"]

In short a Thesaurus and bulls*** gets you a long way in many companies.

That's why I'm still on £ 6.50 an hour!

 

[CopperCyclist]

Channel fours Benefit Street is by no means unique.

 

[Justiffa]

U're an effing bitch so u can cut all tht sweet talking crap bcos its just wasted on me

 

[Spinney]

In my previous role, the ability to talk middle management bollox was a pre requisite. The drive to foster synergy between disperate corporate needs and develop a unified strategy delivering a common goal to the benifit of our customer base without actually comitting to any tangable deliverables is a core skill within the corporate environment.

In short a Thesaurus and bulls*** gets you a long way in many companies.

D'you ever play buzz-word bingo in meetings? You might need to think out of the box a bit, but as long as you are all in the same ball-park...
(I'm losing the skill! Must be a good sign )

 

[Scoosh]

In my previous role, the ability to talk middle management bollox was a pre requisite. The drive to foster synergy between disperate corporate needs and develop a unified strategy delivering a common goal to the benifit of our customer base without actually comitting to any tangable deliverables is a core skill within the corporate environment.

D'you ever play buzz-word bingo in meetings? You might need to think out of the box a bit, but as long as you are all in the same ball-park...
(I'm losing the skill! Must be a good sign )

Have cohorts gone out of fashion in business-speak ? They are still used in educational mumbo-jumbo, despite a cohort actually being 300 - 600 soldiers ... [memories of Latin translation come flooding dribbling back ]