Things you've misheard.

[Globalti]

We went to Scotland and late on a Friday night we arrived at a farmhouse where the prim and proper farmer's wife showed us to the cottage we'd rented.

"Sorry about the mess on the walls" she told us; "It's the people who were here last week. They were shitters!"

We were a bit shocked at her language and replied something like: "Oh I'm sure they weren't that bad!"

"Och no," she replied. "They were shitters. They were out all day shitting with their guns and their boots and their muddy dogs!"

 

[dan_bo]

I fettle Mass Spectrometers for a living.

After a repair, the customer usually runs ine of their own samples for peace of mind.

Last week in a lab....

Me: What's this sample then?

Customer: hnffurculishhinn

Que?

Much later i managed to read the label. Tuberculosis protein.

 

[Dec66]

I used to live in Glasgow. I could fill a page with this stuff, culled from my time there.

I'm an exiled Merseysider. Lots of other people could fill a page based on conversations with me, especially when I'd had a few.

 

[Cheddar George]

Driving through the west midlands one day the traffic report on the radio warned me of traffic building up at the "Dudley Sutton" roundabout.

Although he was a fine character actor i was still surprised that a roundabout would be named in his honour ..... two seconds later i decided that it was probably "Dudley Southern".

 

[Cheddar George]

I used to live in Glasgow. I could fill a page with this stuff, culled from my time there.

I'm an exiled Merseysider. Lots of other people could fill a page based on conversations with me, especially when I'd had a few.

An excuse to retell my favourite "weegie" joke.

Man walks into Glasgow cake shop.

" See that cake in the window, is that a doughnut or a meringue ?"

"Aye, yer right enough, it's a doughnut."

 

[rugby bloke]

Quins always play their eighth game at Wembley under the branding of "Big Game Eight". Which can sound like a totally different type of party when said quickly.

 

[AndyRM]

An excuse to retell my favourite "weegie" joke.

Man walks into Glasgow cake shop.

" See that cake in the window, is that a doughnut or a meringue ?"

"Aye, yer right enough, it's a doughnut."

In a similar vein...

A woman walks into a butchers and is peering at the goods on display. The butcher has just been out the back in the fridge and is resting with his back to the wall, over a radiator.

The woman asks,

"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

The butcher replies,

"Naw, it's ma hauns am heatin"

And possibly my favourite...

A patient sits down in a dentists chair.

Dentist asks,

"Comfy?"

The patient replies,

"Govan."

 

[gbb]

We had a Glaswegian colleague in one of my former employers.
We were talking about gardens...
'Aye, ive got loads of (expletive deleted) stains in ma graasss'

i sat there thinking... I couldnt figure it out, stains....we live in an area with lots of clay...maybe when its wet, the wet patches draw up clay colour...nah.......stains....wots he onnabout ?
'Ron...whaddaymean stains ?'
'Stains.....(like I was some sort of moron )....stains, pebbles...you know, stains '
'Oh FFS.....stones '
'Aye, thats what i said....stains'