I've had a bit of an encounter! Sorry for the length - skip to the end if you're looking for laughs, but it's a bit of therapy for me.
Me and the excellent Mrs Dr Bollo were having a day out in the big city to find her a birthday present. We're walking down Bond Street doing a bit of window shopping, people watching and generally relaxing when I look straight ahead and see a guy on a bike, on the pavement, heading straight at me. It all happened a bit quickly, but I didn't step aside and he caught me on the shoulder. I turned round and gave him a dirty look, but didn't say anything and carried on.
Just to set the scene at this point, there's no traffic on Bond St. In fact, there are no people on the pavement. Wide empty pavement - empty road. I'm can't pretend I'm not displeased.
A few seconds later I hear the sound of chain slap. Matey has jumped on to the road, turned and jumped back on the pavement. As I turn around he's heading straight for me again, this time from behind. Pretty much instinctively, I step aside and push him away. I'm careful with my words here - away, not over. He didn't come off the bike, and I didn't intend him to. I just wanted him not to hit me.
He jumps off his bike, stands in front of me and screams (no exaggeration I'm afraid),
"Do you know the LAW!? You've just assaulted me!"
Me:"Mate, you cycled INTO ME on the pavement"
Matey:"You shoulder barged me and then pushed me. That's assault. That's f***ing assault."
Me:"You rode into me. On the pavement. Why did you do that?"
Matey:"There's CCTV!"
At this point I try to walk off, but he grabs me and puts his bike in front to block my way. He's ranting.
By now I have the icy calm I get when the fight or flight response kicks in. It's something I've always had and I thank my dad for it - he's the same way. On the few occasions when I've been in need, the brain clears and I keep my temper.
He then reaches inside his pocket. At this point I nearly did deck him because I had no idea if a knife was going to come out. But instead he displays a phone (iphone?) and, rictus grin on face, announces that's he's going to call the police.
Me: "Great - call the police."
Matey: "Don't do that calm act with me!"
Me (still calm but despairing): "What I am supposed to do? Please, call the police."
Matey (not at all quiet): "You f***ing c***! You f**king rich boy c***. Think you can push people over, you c***!?"
Me: What makes you think I'm rich?
Matey: You're a little rich boy c*** because you're walking down Bond Street you f***ing c***!
At this point it begins to dawn. Matey seems to have an agenda. Our initial meeting wasn't just annoying, irritating etc - all the usual pavement cycling crap - it was - odd. Why, with all that pavement and all that empty road, did he manage to cycle into me?
I think we were outside the Omega watch shop while this was going on, and his latest outbust has got the doormen interested. He's right in my face and using lots of swears. I'm getting very worried that Matey is going to take a pop and I know that no-one will be a winner if that happens. One of the doormen pulls a phone and I see him make a quick thumbs up at me. He's picked sides and I really want the police or someone else at this point.
Matey: "That's ****** right, get your rich boy bouncers to sort it out you *** etc etc"
Just then, ayoung lad stood in a nearby doorway just pipes up and says to Matey:
"If you're really that bothered, phone the police then."
This throws Matey for a second, so I just step around him and walk off, keeping a very careful eye behind me (Bent Mikey would be proud of my rear obs ;-) ). He's still screaming abuse, but doesn't follow.
Thank you for your patience so far. Why the hell am I telling you this? Because I might be calm while it kicks off, but this kind of crap bothers me for days and weeks afterwards. Talking helps.
First off, this wasn't pavement cycling. Pavement cycling irritates me in the same way that leaving the toilet door open on trains winds me up - a bit, but I'll live. I actually expected him to make some move to avoid me right until the last moment. There was pavement enough for all of us. I think he deliberately rode into me.
I suspect Matey had invented a little game where he plays skittles with people on high-end shopping streets in some mistaken belief that he's fighting the 1%. As a strategy for the struggle against global capitalism, I think it's a bit of a dead-end. I'm sorry to disappoint him, but I was just a tourist. If I was truly rich, a Russian oligarch say, I'd not be walking down Bond Street but arriving in a chauffeur-driven Bentley. Also, you'd not be screaming in my face, because my two goons would be busy Fred Astairing that face into a rich, creamy broth.
Anyone else met him?
(If anything, I've toned down his swearing!)
Me and the excellent Mrs Dr Bollo were having a day out in the big city to find her a birthday present. We're walking down Bond Street doing a bit of window shopping, people watching and generally relaxing when I look straight ahead and see a guy on a bike, on the pavement, heading straight at me. It all happened a bit quickly, but I didn't step aside and he caught me on the shoulder. I turned round and gave him a dirty look, but didn't say anything and carried on.
Just to set the scene at this point, there's no traffic on Bond St. In fact, there are no people on the pavement. Wide empty pavement - empty road. I'm can't pretend I'm not displeased.
A few seconds later I hear the sound of chain slap. Matey has jumped on to the road, turned and jumped back on the pavement. As I turn around he's heading straight for me again, this time from behind. Pretty much instinctively, I step aside and push him away. I'm careful with my words here - away, not over. He didn't come off the bike, and I didn't intend him to. I just wanted him not to hit me.
He jumps off his bike, stands in front of me and screams (no exaggeration I'm afraid),
"Do you know the LAW!? You've just assaulted me!"
Me:"Mate, you cycled INTO ME on the pavement"
Matey:"You shoulder barged me and then pushed me. That's assault. That's f***ing assault."
Me:"You rode into me. On the pavement. Why did you do that?"
Matey:"There's CCTV!"
At this point I try to walk off, but he grabs me and puts his bike in front to block my way. He's ranting.
By now I have the icy calm I get when the fight or flight response kicks in. It's something I've always had and I thank my dad for it - he's the same way. On the few occasions when I've been in need, the brain clears and I keep my temper.
He then reaches inside his pocket. At this point I nearly did deck him because I had no idea if a knife was going to come out. But instead he displays a phone (iphone?) and, rictus grin on face, announces that's he's going to call the police.
Me: "Great - call the police."
Matey: "Don't do that calm act with me!"
Me (still calm but despairing): "What I am supposed to do? Please, call the police."
Matey (not at all quiet): "You f***ing c***! You f**king rich boy c***. Think you can push people over, you c***!?"
Me: What makes you think I'm rich?
Matey: You're a little rich boy c*** because you're walking down Bond Street you f***ing c***!
At this point it begins to dawn. Matey seems to have an agenda. Our initial meeting wasn't just annoying, irritating etc - all the usual pavement cycling crap - it was - odd. Why, with all that pavement and all that empty road, did he manage to cycle into me?
I think we were outside the Omega watch shop while this was going on, and his latest outbust has got the doormen interested. He's right in my face and using lots of swears. I'm getting very worried that Matey is going to take a pop and I know that no-one will be a winner if that happens. One of the doormen pulls a phone and I see him make a quick thumbs up at me. He's picked sides and I really want the police or someone else at this point.
Matey: "That's ****** right, get your rich boy bouncers to sort it out you *** etc etc"
Just then, ayoung lad stood in a nearby doorway just pipes up and says to Matey:
"If you're really that bothered, phone the police then."
This throws Matey for a second, so I just step around him and walk off, keeping a very careful eye behind me (Bent Mikey would be proud of my rear obs ;-) ). He's still screaming abuse, but doesn't follow.
Thank you for your patience so far. Why the hell am I telling you this? Because I might be calm while it kicks off, but this kind of crap bothers me for days and weeks afterwards. Talking helps.
First off, this wasn't pavement cycling. Pavement cycling irritates me in the same way that leaving the toilet door open on trains winds me up - a bit, but I'll live. I actually expected him to make some move to avoid me right until the last moment. There was pavement enough for all of us. I think he deliberately rode into me.
I suspect Matey had invented a little game where he plays skittles with people on high-end shopping streets in some mistaken belief that he's fighting the 1%. As a strategy for the struggle against global capitalism, I think it's a bit of a dead-end. I'm sorry to disappoint him, but I was just a tourist. If I was truly rich, a Russian oligarch say, I'd not be walking down Bond Street but arriving in a chauffeur-driven Bentley. Also, you'd not be screaming in my face, because my two goons would be busy Fred Astairing that face into a rich, creamy broth.
Anyone else met him?
(If anything, I've toned down his swearing!)
