Naw, that wiz jist a thing pit aboot by the left fitters tae pit aff the Rangers supporters fae trying to harvest the haggises innat.
It's 'Haggiii' 'Loon and I totally refute your conspiracy theory - Vince is quite correct. Sometimes headwinds cause slow rotations and sometimes the Haggii resemble cartoon like Tasmanian Devil's when assisted by a tail wind. Rarely, a certain (critical) velocity is reached - often at the base of Munroe's and mountains where the diameter is larger than at the peak*, they self cook. This constitutes a ready made meal.
It's important to eat the Haggii within 2 weeks of self cooking. Haggii connoisseurs recommend a 1 week maturation period and is often accompanied with boiled Kale.
However, topographical nuances can create unusual preservation of the SCH (self cooked Haggii). Such as the triangular profile of say Buachaille Etive Mòr. We all know that the triangle has amazing preservation properties. These triangular peaks leave SCH in perfect condition for decades and are a rare delicacy which fetch 'hunderts of thoosandts of poonds' in close circles. Even the Swiss attempted to introduce the Haggii to the slopes of the Matterhorn but it's slopes were too steep, too rocky, too cold and too slippery for the Haggii to survive.
In 50bc, an entrepreneurial Pict called Jock McTartanballs exported vintage SCH from Scotland to Egypt in his wee boat. The Egyptian Pharos loved the intense flavours of the SCH so much, they built the pyramids to accommodate colonies of Haggii. The Romans got wind of the SCH delicacy and in 30bc decided to occupy Egypt in a vein attempt to monopolise the supply. Unfortunately, the desert conditions yielded only dwarf Haggii that were very chewy, dehydrated and bereft of the subtleties that constant rain and wind provides. The Egyptians trained racing cats to chase the Haggii around the pyramids to achieve the critical velocity needed for self cooking. There were many gambling opportunities - at what point does the Haggis fa' doon deid?. So addictive was this pastime that swept across Egyptian society, it lead to the formation of the EGAA - Egyptian Gamble Aholics Anonymous.
Purportedly, Mark Anthony and Cleopatra had many domestics because the promise of domestically reared Haggii never yielded the same fine, Scottish SCH. The Romans even attempted to occupy the land of the Celts so that they could procure SCH but this was thwarted by incensed natives who became so militant, the Romans had to build various walls to keep themselves safe.
[From chapter 62]
Early tinned Egyptian SCH Haggii needed to be placed inside hollowed out Pineapple for a week or so, to hydrate. The unusual 'citrus Haggii'...**
*Slow/fast, slow/fast doesn't work. It serves as temperature regulation.
**Continued in my book 'Jock, bookmakers, cats, Haggii and the Roman Empire'. Available from all good booksellers.
