Washing b8ckside

[Haitch]

But surely, we should have come up with something better than paper by now.

They have !! Goose necks !!


To quote Rabelais' translator again:

I have, said Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen.

What is that, said Grandgousier, his father, how is it?

I will tell you by and by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with a gentlewoman's velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that I wiped myself with some earpieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. Now I wish St Anthony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page's cap, garnished with a feather, after the Switzers' fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of Arabian Benin. After that I wiped myself with sage, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd leaves, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce and with spinach leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them.

Yea, but, said Grandgousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best?

I was coming to it, said Gargantua, and by and by you shall hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and know of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,

Who his foul tail with paper wipes,

Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.

What, said Grandgousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme already?

Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum.

. . . Now I prithee, said Grandgousier, go on in this torcheculatif, or bum-wipatory discourse.

Afterwards, I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchcul; then with a hat. Of hats, note, that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffities, and others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstertion of the fecal matter. Afterwards, I wiped my tail with a hen, a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail napkins, bung-hole cleansers, and wipe breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her neck betwixt you legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in you knuckle a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard to the softness of the said down, and the temperate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut, and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their Asphodel, Ambrosia or Nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgement, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.

 

[ChrisKH]

That's true Chris K.

But surely, we should have come up with something better than paper by now.

Using water to clean you rear is cleaner and better than flushing a load tissue paper down the loo pipe.

Not suggesting that we have watering cans. How about designing toilets with a small built in tap which takes water from the flush tank. You press a button and it fires water to your rear and you then wash your ass with your other hand.

Then you dry with (a bit of) tissue and wash you hands with soap.

Don't disagree. Difficult to see how a 100 + years of crapping culture will be changed overnight though. We do have the benefit of disposable wet wipes here as well, although this isn't particularly green.

 

[Crankarm]

There are many things that other countries could learn from us. For example, I've seen people in Asia remove flies from a drink and carry on drinking. That's pretty unhygienic.

The point isn't that they're better than us, but I'm surprised that we haven't thought to ourselves that there's a better way than tissue.

Talking of one's ablutions is so common .

 

[Fnaar]

Do they still do that slippery toilet paper (a bit like tracing paper) that was always in school toilets during the 70s? It didn't clean it off, just moved it around a bit.

Izal:

That's true Chris K.

How about designing toilets with a small built in tap which takes water from the flush tank. You press a button and it fires water to your rear

The wily Japanee has already got there:

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyaLNWyU1O4

 

[Moodyman]

All other things being equal, eating with hands is very self-satisfying. You get to feel the texture of your food.

Cutlery is only better where hands can't grasp certain foods - say spaghetti.

 

[ChrisKH]

All other things being equal, eating with hands is very self-satisfying. You get to feel the texture of your food.

Cutlery is only better where hands can't grasp certain foods - say spaghetti.

Agreed, but not with your left hand.

 

[Globalti]

Don't some of the countries you mentioned also frown upon the use of cutlery. Then use the same hands they've wiped their nether regions with to eat their food?

No, in countries more civilised than ours people do the dirty stuff like washing their bottoms with the left hand and eat with the right. It's considered quite acceptable for your host to reach over, pick some tasty morsel off the roast lamb with his right hand and place it on your plate to eat, but to eat it with your left hand would cause huge offence.

 

[Keith Oates]

Moodyman, when it comes to personal hygene I think that most Brits are way ahead of other nations. I've lived in Asia for a long time and have found nothing on this subject that can begin to compare with UK standards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Moodyman]

Agreed, but not with your left hand.

This is why the left hand is reserved for rear washing in a lot of societies.

I remember seeing a British South Asian father telling his son to hold the knife in the left hand and the fork in the right hand (so that the perceived clean hand delivers the food to the mouth). The kid had seen his schoolfriends eating the other way round and copied.

When I proposed to the father that so long as both hands were washed equally, it shouldn't matter, he agreed but said it was symbolic.

 

[numbnuts]

when I'm at home I always wash my butt after going

 

[Crankarm]

 

[Ashtrayhead]

There's got to be a joke about Uranus, Star Trek and Klingons in this somewhere.

 

[Over The Hill]

I am not so worried about what is left at the exit point (I assume it is not going anywhere near me) but I am more concerned that the owner of the bottom in question has not washed their hands.

Most blokes in public toilets dont. You get blokes exiting a cubicle and walking out the door or having a slash and walking out the door.

Then the rest of us who have washed our hands have to use the same door handle!

 

[philipbh]

Then the rest of us who have washed our hands have to use the same door handle!

Not to mention the lock on the cubicle door or the flush handle.

Incidentally, their are some public toilets in a local cinema that have the wash hand basin in the cubicle - which is a step in the right direction

 

[jamesxyz]

I lived in SE Asia for two years and it took a while to get used to.
I couldn't work out why there was loo roll and a 'washing pipe'as well. I think the idea was you wiped to remove the excess then gave it a wash - or was it the other way round? anyway I did it all ways, never did get the hang of washing my arse with that pipe, wasn't sure if i was supposed to wet my hand and wipe or cover the end of the hose to squirt the water between my buttocks a la garden hose water fights.

One thing I will say is with squat toilets there was less to clean anyway as the process of squatting (rather then sitting) tended to keep your cheeks well spread thus making an easy passage for the turd (if you'll pardon the pun).

I do rememerb having the sh*ts one night while out on the lash, I could barely stand up never mind squat, in a rather unhygenic petrol station toilet - makesw me shudder even to this day