This happened to "a friend":
After getting undressed for a bout of, er, inter-gender wrestling, gf left her watch on.
Him - "Hope you're not going to time me"
Her - "Don't think so, it doesn't have a second hand"
Ouch!!!
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
We hear all kinds of worries about speed over here and now all of a sudden it;s wrong - sheesh!
U
User33236
Guest
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
vernon
Harder than Ronnie Pickering
- Location
- Meanwood, Leeds
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table.Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress, thinking this was quite risqué behaviour that might offend
other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the
woman , "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband has just slid
under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He's actually
just walked in the door."
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table.Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress, thinking this was quite risqué behaviour that might offend
other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the
woman , "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband has just slid
under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He's actually
just walked in the door."
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
With age and familiarity comes a different perspective.This happened to "a friend":
After getting undressed for a bout of, er, inter-gender wrestling, gf left her watch on.
Him - "Hope you're not going to time me"
Her - "Don't think so, it doesn't have a second hand"
Ouch!!!
Mrs Cube said to me the other night " you're taking a long time "
I said " Sorry, I just can't think of anyone."
ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pint and a mop.
Hover Fly
Lazy so and so
- Location
- Besides the lake, beneath the trees
There was a load of frogspawn in the model boat pond at work today. I felt a bit of a pervert reading it but the pictures were good.
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
Marriage is like a deck of cards..
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
GC
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
GC
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
...
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not wife.
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
...
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not wife.
A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
[QUOTE 2988876, member: 1314"]One night, a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonged to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand, and he noticed that many times along the path of his life, there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life. This really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord about it: “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way. Yet I have noticed during the most troublesome times of my life, there’s only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me.”
The Lord replied: “My precious precious child, I love you, and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, that must have been when I was appearing on…
Junior Kickstart…
Junior Kickstart…”[/QUOTE]
Love that song!
The Lord replied: “My precious precious child, I love you, and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, that must have been when I was appearing on…
Junior Kickstart…
Junior Kickstart…”[/QUOTE]
Love that song!
simon the viking
Guru
There's a program on Tele about Tomatoes
I don't know whether to watch it now or watch it later on Ketchup
I don't know whether to watch it now or watch it later on Ketchup
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Better red than dead!
