Any good jokes ... ?

[screenman]

Last week she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit
lonely. She thought, I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places,
thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she
felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, Ma'am. How may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi,
I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel
room and give me one. No, wait -- I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it
now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips -- everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream -- anything and everything, I'm ready!!
Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."

 

[ArDee]

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes'; but, she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again; but, each man harboured a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But, this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady went back to playing right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them, even though they were trying their hardest.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.

This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"




She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[Scoosh]

@ArDee
While others are nearly 2 years late ...

Am I one of the few/ the only who have/ has actually read all of this thread ???

 

[ArDee]

I did use the search facility before posting - perhaps that needs improving!

 

[Scoosh]

Hmmm - I also used the Search facility and found it ... oh, hang on - I see what you mean ... your searching skills need improving Now, with that, I would agree !

It's useful, when searching in a specific thread, to check the 'Search this Thread only' box.

 

[AndyRM]

@ArDee
While others are nearly 2 years late ...

Am I one of the few/ the only who have/ has actually read all of this thread ???

Like you, I'm super-cool so have read the entire thing...

 

[Drago]

For Sale - one pair of unfeasibly large spectacles and 200 B&H. Contact Mr Kenneth Barlow, 1 Coronation Street, Weatherfield.

 

[cisamcgu]

@ArDee
While others are nearly 2 years late ...

Am I one of the few/ the only who have/ has actually read all of this thread ???

I started the bl**dy thing, so I have to read it all !

 

[Spartak]

My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.

 

[Hitchington]

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

A woman goes into a butchers shop in Troon. The butcher is standing with his back to an electric fire.

Is that your Ayrshire bacon, she asks.

No madam, I'm just warming my hands.

A man walks into a butchers shop and says "I bet you £10 you cant reach those Rib-Eyes up there on that shelf."
The butcher says "No. The steaks are too high."

 

[Lullabelle]

I took the shell off my racing snail in the hope it would make it faster, if anything he is more sluggish.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

If you get a letter and you don't know who it's from just run after the postman and shout "1471".

 

[Scoosh]

I took the shell off my racing snail in the hope it would make it faster, if anything he is more sluggish.

One more time !

 

[Lullabelle]

One more time !

I got it from Facebook, didn't realise it had already been posted