Any good jokes ... ?

[Joey Shabadoo]

This one's true - allegedly.

The England team arrive back at Heathrow after a game abroad and the press are interviewing them as they pass through arrivals. The BBC guy collars the manager, Bobby Robson and are asking their usual questions but Bobby is distracted by the big tvs in the concourse that are showing the England game, specifically an interview pitchside with Bobby himself.

As the interviewer tries to ask his question, Bobby holds his hand up to stop him and, squinting to see the screen more clearly asks "Is that live?"

 

[bruce1530]

and one day Mr & Mrs Beckham were in a hardware store.

“What are those things up there - those round metal things with the lids”, says David

“That’s a Thermos Flask. You put your food in them. They keep hot things hot, and they also keep cold things cold”.

“That’s really clever”, says Victoria, “David, you should get one to take your lunch to training”

So next day, David walks into the changing rooms at the training ground, carrying a flask.

“What’s that thing?”, ask the other players.

“It’s a thermos flask”, says David. “It’s really clever - you put your food in it, and it keeps hot things hot, and it keeps cold things cold. I’ve got my lunch in it”

“What have you got in it, David?”

“Two ice lollies and a cup of coffee"

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

During a British Lions tour of New Zealand, Scott Hastings came down to the hotel breakfast a little late, still bleary eyed from a party the night before. The waitress shows him to a table and points out that, as he is quite late, the kitchens have run out of bacon.

"What?", Hastings loudly and angrily exclaimed, "We're in New Zealand with millions and millions of sheep and you're telling me there's no bacon?"


The room erupted according to his brother who swears it's true.

 

[swee'pea99]

Sent this to my eldest, who responded with...

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKTwKTrAR-4&app=desktop

 

[ufkacbln]

[QUOTE 4513287, member: 76"]Allegedly true story from a chap I know who definitely does work at Spurs.

A professional footballer was on the way to a party after a game. He bought some wine and some ice to keep it cool. On getting back to the car footballer number 2 pointed out the wine would get warm when the ice melted. Professional footballer 1 went back into the supermarket and came out with another bag of ice, he explained that when the first bag had melted he would use the second..... This was the talk of the training ground for all the next week.[/QUOTE]

Reminds me of the Beckam joke

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.
"It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"What have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

 

[Mugshot]

Reminds me of the Beckam joke

Keep up at the back, it's on the previous page!!!

 

[ufkacbln]

Keep up at the back, it's on the previous page!!!

That was about the Beckham(s) not David alone

 

[Mugshot]

That was about the Beckham(s) not David alone

Ah, a subtle yet relevant distinction.

 

[Markymark]

I'm collecting all The Beatles albums but i seem to be one short. I really can't figure out what's missing and it's making me crazy. I think I need Help.

 

[srw]

I'm collecting all The Beatles albums but i seem to be one short. I really can't figure out what's missing and it's making me crazy. I think I need Help.

Wouldn't a Revolver put you out of your misery?

 

[Alex H]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin Somewhere were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

 

[Dave7]

I had serious bowel problems so got some medicine from the Doctor.
Now I have a cr*p at exactly 08.00 every morning.
The only problem is that I dont get up till 08.30.

 

[mrcunning]

I'm on a fitness regime. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's.
I'm going to park the car and walk in.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

During a British Lions tour of New Zealand, Scott Hastings came down to the hotel breakfast a little late, still bleary eyed from a party the night before. The waitress shows him to a table and points out that, as he is quite late, the kitchens have run out of bacon.

"What?", Hastings loudly and angrily exclaimed, "We're in New Zealand with millions and millions of sheep and you're telling me there's no bacon?"


The room erupted according to his brother who swears it's true.

True story as unfortunately it involved me.
A long time ago I was working in a nice riverside pub. During the summer there were regular concerts on a Sunday evening in a local park. Packed packed pub garden and while I was collecting glasses a friend called over form the other side - "What are they playing at the concert tonight?"
I said "I think its the 1066 overture", to which she responded,
"Don't be daft you Muppet, 1066 was the great fire of London!" by which point pretty much the entire garden had erupted...

 

[betty swollocks]