Slim
Über Member
- Location
- Plough Lane
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Profpointy
Legendary Member
.... You'll be wanting toolstation
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Advent calendars, they're getting scarcer. I doubt you'll see them years from now. Apparantly their days are numbered...
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
As Woody Allen used to say "Sex between two people can be a beautiful thing. So long as you find the right two people."
Cheddar George
oober member
- Location
- Location: Location
Ted Heath was once told by Nikita Krushchev that he should buy a russian watch instead of swiss,"They are cheaper, better quality and go faster !"
Profpointy
Legendary Member
Ted Heath was once asked how history would have been different if Krushchev had been assassinated rather than Kennedy. After a moment's thought he said "well I don't think Onassis would have married Mrs Krushchev"
With the Holiday season upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
I was out for an evening and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice draught beers. Feeling pretty good I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived back to my house safely and without further incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, and I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
I was out for an evening and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice draught beers. Feeling pretty good I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived back to my house safely and without further incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, and I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
glenn forger
Guest
Blimey, that reminds me of after 7/7 when I got on the tube for the first time, this bloke could see I was nervous and apprehensive so he got up and offered me his seat!
It was brilliant, never driven a tube train before!
It was brilliant, never driven a tube train before!
Spartak
Powered by M&M's
- Location
- Bristolian
What is Mr Tickle's daughter called?
Tess!
Tess!
jhawk
Veteran
- Location
- New Brunswick, Canada
Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.
Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.
Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:
"A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:
"A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
There is also the version where the Panda meets a Lady of negotiable virtue, they spend the evening going through a considerable repertoire
Sated the panda gets up to leave without paying
She hands him a dictionary and asks him to read the appropriate entry and hand over the agreed amount, the Panda then points out the dictionary definition of Panda
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would
buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to
buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable
Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took
a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old
bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health!
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would
buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to
buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable
Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took
a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old
bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health!
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
I bought a Manchester United fruit bowl the other day. Looks good in the middle of the table.
