Any good jokes ... ?

[User482]

Christmas cracker time:

Q. Who's the coolest person working in a hospital?
A. The ultra-sound man.
Q. Who covers for him when he's on holiday?
A. The hip replacement guy.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

I bet Gollum goes absolutely nuts on the 5th day of Christmas.

 

[morrisman]

Some carol singers came to the door, and when I opened it I recognised a Chinese snooker player, a dead Chinese Communist leader, Mrs McAleese the ex-president of Ireland and Trotsky the Russian Marxist revolutionary.

I was so glad to see them I greeted them in song:

Ding, Dong, Mary, Leon, Hi!

 

[screenman]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t1t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

[screenman]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

 

[Hitchington]

What has 4 legs and flies?









A dead horse.

 

[screenman]

This Is Alarming.............................

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by
drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1)
hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these
men:


1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

 

[Goonerobes]

Does anyone know how to stop a bid on eBay? I put a bid in for a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I am apparently 15 minutes away from owning Spurs!!

 

[simon the viking]

Proof that a dog is a mans best friend.....

lock your dog and your wife in the boot of your car and go back in an hour and see which is pleased to see you

 

[Cubist]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t1t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Ethel and Ernest had been married for years, and Ethel decided it was time to spice up their love life. She borrowed a copy of Cosmo for research purposes and set about her preparations.

Ernest returned from the bookies at teatime to find Ethel on the doorstep dressed in a Basque and stockings, kinky leather boots and long latex gloves.

"Ernest" she said in her most alluring voice "I'm going to give you super sex!"

Ernest peers at her through his glasses and says
"What flavour soup is it?"

 

[Cubist]

It was their Diamond wedding anniversary, and Ethel decided to give Ernest a treat. She nips into town and buys a nice piece of fillet steak, a bottle of Chablis and a pair of split-crotch panties. Teatime comes around and she says to him "Ernest, do you know what day it is?"

"Aye," replied Ernest, "It's our wedding anniversary."

"Well, I've got a nice bit of fillet for tea, so go and put yer teeth in."

To cut a long story short, they thoroughly enjoy the steak and the bottle of wine, and as Ernest is mopping up the last of the gravy Ethel turns her chair towards him, and hooks one leg over the arm of the carver. "Now then Ernest love, do you fancy a bit of that ?"

Ernest whips out his glasses and stares at the split crotch panties and says "Do I 'eck as like. Look what it's done to yer knickers!

 

[derrick]

I like this.

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETz0elhKvkM

 

[john59]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive .

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Nova Scotia ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Nova Scotia ."

"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000.00 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

 

[welsh dragon]

Why do men want to marry virgins. ?

because they cant stand criticism.

 

[derrick]