Any good jokes ... ?

[F70100]

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.


Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever
heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama:

"Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

 

[morrisman]

A warning to drivers in Manchester. Be carefull if you are speeding anywhere near Old Trafford, they are handing out three points to anybody there these days.

 

[TVC]

A warning to drivers in Manchester. Be carefull if you are speeding anywhere near Old Trafford, they are handing out three points to anybody there these days.

Wish I'd come up with that

 

[TVC]

TVC2TMN wot?

 

[Rickshaw Phil]

TVC2TMN wot?

TMN says TVC has won TMN points. Eh, wot.

 

[TVC]

TMN says TVC has won TMN points. Eh, wot.

You're not helping.

 

[Rickshaw Phil]

You're not helping.

 

[Cubist]

You're not helping.

Stick TMN in the search box and User13710 in the posted by member box, and you'll see the origin.

 

[morrisman]

Just been on a diabetes awareness website, and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

I've just started going to the gym. There's one machine in particular that I get a lot out of, Mainly Twix,Mars Bars and Snickers.
I asked the trainer to teach me how to do the splits. He asked me how flexible I was. I told him I can't make Mondays or Thursdays.

 

[Cubist]

I was in the gym the other day and the trainer asked me what sort of workout I wanted to do. I pointed to a stunning looking woman on the treadmill and said "whichever machine is going to give me a chance with her. "
He said " Try a cash machine you fat bastard."

 

[machew]

Q: What be a scurvy pirate's favorite letter 'o th' alphabet?
A: Ye might think it be R, but in reality his first love be th' C.

Q - What is a pirate's favorite cheese?
A - Havarrrrti!

Did you hear how much the pirate was selling his bundle of corn for?
About a buccaneer......

Why couldn't the little pirate go to the movies?
Because they were rated ARRRRR!

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel on his pants zipper. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Did you know that there's a ships wheel hanging off your pants?" The pirate snaps back, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

 

[morrisman]

Jokes about white sugar are rare.

But jokes about brown sugar - demerara.

 

[screenman]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say "You foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop". So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel".
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied "Why don't you see for yourself?"
Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed over too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!"

 

[Peteaud]

Q: What be a scurvy pirate's favorite letter 'o th' alphabet?
A: Ye might think it be R, but in reality his first love be th' C.

Q - What is a pirate's favorite cheese?
A - Havarrrrti!

Did you hear how much the pirate was selling his bundle of corn for?
About a buccaneer......

Why couldn't the little pirate go to the movies?
Because they were rated ARRRRR!

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel on his pants zipper. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Did you know that there's a ships wheel hanging off your pants?" The pirate snaps back, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"

Where does a pirate do his shopping?























Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgos.