Give me some dialogue from your day

[steveindenmark]

To my mate who owns an LBS in Denmark.

"Now I am now a non EU citizen, can I get my bikes tax free"

Reply "Bugger off".

 

[Lullabelle]

Me to TVC: I found some crumbs in my bra so that would explain the itchy nipple.

 

[gbb]

Mum is 86, independent,has reasonable health and is fairly sound of mind...a bit slow to digest things but fairly alert.
Heres what happens when you mix technology in the form of a freeview hdd recorder...and an 86 YO...
Phone rings...
'Colin, sorry to ring you but I can't get anything on the tv'
'What does it say mum'
'A blue screen, it says no signal'
'Ok, you need to turn it to HDMI..press the source button, what does it say'
'Err.........(.many seconds pass)...the box is doing something....errr'
'Mum, are you using the new remote...you need to be using the old remote for the tv..press source'
'No....im using.....oh.....oh yes....it just says....(she tails off then nothing)
'Whatsit say mum'
'Errr...'
'Press source mum and tell me what it says in the box that comes on the screen'
'It says......errrr.....(tails off again)

28 minutes of going round and round in circles....god love her but .

'oooh, thats it, it just came on'
'what did you do mum'
'i just pressed 3 and on it came'
something I tried (unsucessfully onbviously) telling her about 20 minutes earlier
'sorry Col...i know im a nuicance'
'dont worry mum, youll get the hang of It '

i came off the phone and said to my wife...'oh gawld, i got a headache now'

 

[jhawk]

Me: "That was a ridiculous joke." After Dad has made one of his trademark ridiculous jokes...

Dad: "YOU'RE a ridiculous joke!"

 

[gavgav]

During our training session today:-

Project Manager "is there a logic diagram for this section that we can use as a template. It's a bit like using fuzzy felt if anyone else is old enough to remember it"

 

[Salad Dodger]

Mum is 86, independent,has reasonable health and is fairly sound of mind...a bit slow to digest things but fairly alert.
Heres what happens when you mix technology in the form of a freeview hdd recorder...and an 86 YO...
Phone rings...
'Colin, sorry to ring you but I can't get anything on the tv'
'What does it say mum'
'A blue screen, it says no signal'
'Ok, you need to turn it to HDMI..press the source button, what does it say'
'Err.........(.many seconds pass)...the box is doing something....errr'
'Mum, are you using the new remote...you need to be using the old remote for the tv..press source'
'No....im using.....oh.....oh yes....it just says....(she tails off then nothing)
'Whatsit say mum'
'Errr...'
'Press source mum and tell me what it says in the box that comes on the screen'
'It says......errrr.....(tails off again)

28 minutes of going round and round in circles....god love her but .

'oooh, thats it, it just came on'
'what did you do mum'
'i just pressed 3 and on it came'
something I tried (unsucessfully onbviously) telling her about 20 minutes earlier
'sorry Col...i know im a nuicance'
'dont worry mum, youll get the hang of It '

i came off the phone and said to my wife...'oh gawld, i got a headache now'

My dear old mum wanted a new CD/Radio and we took her out to get one. As her eyesight was poor, I suggested the one with with the biggest, clearest buttons. But no, she wanted a Sony cos that is what they had always bought, even though the buttons were microscopically small.
Bought it, took it home and set it up for her, and tuned it in.
"Just press this button, mum, and it will come on straight to Radio Kent" (Which was the only station she ever listened to).
Two days later, I popped in to see her, to find her busily putting the radio back into its packaging. It had "gone wrong".
Took it out of the box, set it up again, tuned it in again and all was well.
Under gentle but persistent questioning, she did admit that she might, perhaps, maybe, possibly, but she couldnt be certain, have pressed the FM/AM switch by mistake, which was why all she could hear was a crackling noise, and no Radio Kent.
For the last few years of her life the radio had a piece of gaffer tape covering the FM/AM switch...... and it performed faultlessly after that!

 

[Cubist]

Me "Cubester, parcel for you."
Cubester "It's very light"
Me " Open it and have a look"
Cubester "it's empty. How did you do that ?"
Me " Do what?"
Cubester "Ah, I see it now, you've slit the jiffy bag at the bottom then sealed it back up."
Me "Well spotted."
Cubester. "So where is my Realtree Camouflage phone case that I ordered?"
Me " God knows. I put it down and now I can't find it. I expect it's just blended in."

And so Cubester is now losing the "Cube Family Camouflage Joke Series" 8-10

The other day when we were shooting:

Cubester. "You got your ear plugs in Dad?"
Me "Pardon?"
Cubester "Twat"
Me "I heard that."

 

[Lullabelle]

Thursday morning I walked into the office:
FD: oh thank god, I thought for a minute bloody hell she's on holiday
ME: It's Thursday already?
FD:
ME, I'll put the coffee pot on then

 

[perplexed]

Mum is 86, independent,has reasonable health and is fairly sound of mind...a bit slow to digest things but fairly alert.
Heres what happens when you mix technology in the form of a freeview hdd recorder...and an 86 YO...
Phone rings...
'Colin, sorry to ring you but I can't get anything on the tv'
'What does it say mum'
'A blue screen, it says no signal'
'Ok, you need to turn it to HDMI..press the source button, what does it say'
'Err.........(.many seconds pass)...the box is doing something....errr'
'Mum, are you using the new remote...you need to be using the old remote for the tv..press source'
'No....im using.....oh.....oh yes....it just says....(she tails off then nothing)
'Whatsit say mum'
'Errr...'
'Press source mum and tell me what it says in the box that comes on the screen'
'It says......errrr.....(tails off again)

28 minutes of going round and round in circles....god love her but .

'oooh, thats it, it just came on'
'what did you do mum'
'i just pressed 3 and on it came'
something I tried (unsucessfully onbviously) telling her about 20 minutes earlier
'sorry Col...i know im a nuicance'
'dont worry mum, youll get the hang of It '

i came off the phone and said to my wife...'oh gawld, i got a headache now'

 

[gbb]

We're (3 engineers) sitting in the canteen, Jamie is looking at his phone, which is in an unusual case.
Another person, Hussain, in canteen looks up....
'What phone is that Jamie ?'
Without batting an eyelid, or even looking up, Jamie replied...
'Iphone 8'
'Huh...'
'Iphone 8'
'No, it cant be, its not even released yet'
Jamie is a terrible ribber, he will tell you anything that comes in his head. I jumped on the bandwagon, Jamie just kept lpoking at his phone as i said to Hussain..
'Iphone 8, its a development or test phone...i cant remember the word...jammy git got one as a product tester'
'Eh ?'
'Yknow, you apply to these places and they put products out for testing before release...jammy sod'

Hussain seemed flummoxed, you could tell, he just wanted to take a close look at the phone...which Jamie was now keeping close to him.

I turned to colleague 2 and quietly said...
'Got him '

 

[swee'pea99]

Classic north London family on the Heath at the weekend...

Mum: That's just rude.
Son: No.
Mum: Yes it is. There's a difference between free speech and just being rude.
Son: I was just expressing my opinion.
Mum: No you weren't. You were being rude.

 

[Mrs bean]

Son comes out of school fed up with a arrogant teacher, I go marching in to speak to him......

He glazed over within minutes of my rant, I ask him,
Am I boring you, cos you look like I am,

And the teacher is 'back in the room'

Needless to say my son hasn't had another bother since

 

[gbb]

We're (3 engineers) sitting in the canteen, Jamie is looking at his phone, which is in an unusual case.
Another person, Hussain, in canteen looks up....
'What phone is that Jamie ?'
Without batting an eyelid, or even looking up, Jamie replied...
'Iphone 8'
'Huh...'
'Iphone 8'
'No, it cant be, its not even released yet'
Jamie is a terrible ribber, he will tell you anything that comes in his head. I jumped on the bandwagon, Jamie just kept lpoking at his phone as i said to Hussain..
'Iphone 8, its a development or test phone...i cant remember the word...jammy git got one as a product tester'
'Eh ?'
'Yknow, you apply to these places and they put products out for testing before release...jammy sod'

Hussain seemed flummoxed, you could tell, he just wanted to take a close look at the phone...which Jamie was now keeping close to him.

I turned to colleague 2 and quietly said...
'Got him '

Hussain walked into the canteen this morning, we're sitting having a coffee, Jamies phone is on the table.
Hussains eyes are fixed on the phone as he walks past...
David (sitting with us)....
'Watch it Jamie, he's after your phone '
All of us...

 

[NorthernDave]

A colleague had done the Friday morning bacon butty list and been told they'd be ready to collect in half an hour.

After about 15 mins she piped up
"Oh I wish they'd hurry up with those bacon buttys, I'm so hungry I can even smell one"
Me "Oh, did you order them from next door? They pump the smell into our ventilation system when they start cooking them, to whet your appetite"
"Do they? Really? Wow, how clever is that?"
"It's amazing isn't it?"
"Yes, I can really smell the bacon. It's like they're here in the room"
"What, like that one that Bob came through the door with a couple of minutes ago?"
"#*£@*&#~!!!!!"

 

[madferret]

Talking about Kids TV programmes, the young graduate trainee pipes up with, "I liked the one with the dog on the bus", we were all a bit baffled until someone said "Do you mean Scooby Doo?"