I'm annoyed so ...
- Thread starter Kovu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Maz said:
That's not much help, Maz!
Kovu! Your avatar looks particularly splendid this evening!
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Kovu said:
But 'tis better than the other way around!
cookiemonster
Legendary Member
- Location
- Hong Kong
Does that help?
Aperitif
Meme bar
- Location
- ...I don't have much idea - really.
Would a modest amusement help you kovu?
Love at first sight
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck somersault, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river."
Love at first sight
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck somersault, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the river."
tdr1nka
Taking the biscuit
- Location
- SE London, Bandit Country
Man walks into a Fish & Chip shop.
'Cod and chips twice please.'
"Alright, alright, ' said the man behind the counter, 'I heard you the first time!
'Cod and chips twice please.'
"Alright, alright, ' said the man behind the counter, 'I heard you the first time!
Aperitif
Meme bar
- Location
- ...I don't have much idea - really.
Aperitif
Meme bar
- Location
- ...I don't have much idea - really.
OK - here's another - I promise no more...
A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken.
Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the erfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross. At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref. "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining. "Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - professional fowl".
A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken.
Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the erfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross. At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref. "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining. "Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - professional fowl".
Aperitif
Meme bar
- Location
- ...I don't have much idea - really.
Here's one about the future...
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who offered a solution:
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for - apart from his cycling...
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job.", the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked;
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said,
"OK"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ...15 and a half
neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Go for it"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who offered a solution:
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for - apart from his cycling...
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning
and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job.", the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked;
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said,
"OK"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ...15 and a half
neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Go for it"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
tdr1nka
Taking the biscuit
- Location
- SE London, Bandit Country
