Advice for someone about to get a sibling...

[Arch]

Not me, my nephew Oli. His sibling is due in a month or so. I know many of you have more than one kid, so I thought I'd see what advice you have on easing the way.

Oli is two and a half. He knows there's a baby coming, and that the baby is going to get him a coal mine for his trainset when it arrives (a neat bit of bribery I thought). But of course he's feeling a bit grumpy - Mum can't carry him as much as she used to, and is getting tired and grumpy more. He's also teething (molars) a bit, and has had a bad cold, so all in all, he's been a bit miserable. He has started to say that he doesn't want a coal mine - IE, he doesn't want this baby thing and all it entails.

For medical reasons, the new one will be by C-section, so Mum will be recovering for 4-6 weeks, and even more unable to lift him etc - although we're all rota'd to go and help out.

Any of you had a second one come along at about this age of first? Any tips on making the older kid feel better about it? I don't doubt it'll all be alright in the end, my sister is a brilliant Mum, and his dad is a brilliant Dad, and they have loads of friends with similar ages kids, but you never know, there might be one golden tip I can pass on - or even just a stream of "we were there, and it got better"

I was 5 when my sister arrived, so I was a fair bit older, and also, I was a pretty quiet kid, happy with books and so on, so apart from the one time I tried to leave home, I think I just ignored her.

 

[sheddy]

No advice as such but one of my favourite photos is with Mum in Hospital post delivery, with baby asleep and #1 son beaming away!
I guess we got him involved ASAP and pointed out thats where he came from
(Oh, yes they were both sections, 2 yrs apart)

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Just try to make time for #1 as he's bound to feel left out a bit at first. Tis difficult tho'. Try to get him involved is best I think but not all should appear to be about #2

It does get easier...........

 

[Arch]

I'm sure Oli will be fine, once there is a baby to be interested in - I suppose a bump that makes your Mum grumpy isn't much to get excited about - it's a bit of a tricky concept, when you've only just learned about anticipating the future and so on - someone told me that at that age, there really is only present and past, and future beyond the next day or so is very difficult to get your head round.

 

[Arch]

26x25 - I was saying to my Mum on the phone - at least the new baby won't care if we give Oli loads of attention - as long as it gets fed and cleaned, it won't be jealous. So we can fuss Oli, but then we don't want to over do it...

Oli has me sussed. The other day, apparently, he was looking at one of his books, and at the pics of the other books in the series on the back, and he looked up at my sister and said "Auntie Sue come on train, buy it!". He's just learned, over Christmas, about the concept of wanting something and it appearing later, if you're lucky.

All I can think is, how on earth can I love another nibling as much as I adore Oli? That must be the amazing thing about parenthood. With each child, you have another dollop of love...

 

[Muddyfox]

My eldest son went through this 6 months ago when my Grandson was born ... my 2 year old grandaughter was adament that the baby would not be coming home to live with them ! when Emma went into hospital to have the Baby they took a present that was wrapped up for Kaitlin (grandaughter) from the new born which seemed to sway her a little bit (enough to let the baby come home anyway) and after a couple of months everything was fine but she did struggle abit to get used to sharing mum and dad

Simon (a young grandad)

 

[Arch]

Yes, I think the 'present from the new baby' is a good idea.

The main thing I remember about my sister arriving was that my Dad made my favourite dish for lunch - kegeree. He forgot that Mum wasn't there, so made a whole grown up portion extra, but I still managed to eat half of it all!

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

26x25 - I was saying to my Mum on the phone - at least the new baby won't care if we give Oli loads of attention - as long as it gets fed and cleaned, it won't be jealous. So we can fuss Oli, but then we don't want to over do it...

Oli has me sussed. The other day, apparently, he was looking at one of his books, and at the pics of the other books in the series on the back, and he looked up at my sister and said "Auntie Sue come on train, buy it!". He's just learned, over Christmas, about the concept of wanting something and it appearing later, if you're lucky.

All I can think is, how on earth can I love another nibling as much as I adore Oli? That must be the amazing thing about parenthood. With each child, you have another dollop of love...

Yes ineed - the first bit of time is "servicing" both ends of #2 but mum's and dad's get pretty knackered. IIRC Mrs 25x26 did the "servicing" and I did #1 mostly.

The developmental thing is a joy to behold. It's quite possible that you as a regular visitor recognise it more than the everyday exposure that mum's and dad's get. I remember once going off on business for 2 weeks and finding I'd missed stuff occurring while I was away ( ) ) although it's more difficult to remember the stuff I "lived" with if you see what I mean.

As for the bonding thing - no worries - it happens naturally enough. Even tho they have grown into completely differing individuals with differing strengths and weaknesses I can't help loving both of my 2.

Bet you can't wait!!! I've got a sharpened scalpel if you want to get in there now!

 

[Arch]

I get to see Oli about 4 times a year, so there are big gaps. One time he's crawling, then he's walking, then talking odd words, then suddenly it's sentences... I'm finding myself fascinated by the stages of his development, and working out why he might think or do something. There are so many things we take for granted, as adults, that we understand and cope with, but that are really enormous concepts when your total experience is only a couple of years.

I picked up a funny book in a charity shop the other day, The Autobiography of a One Year Old - which is not only funny, but I think quite a good insight into how a baby's mind must struggle to cope with new concepts.

I can't wait, indeed. Although C-sections are pretty routine now, it'll be a relief when it's all done. At least we have a definite date this time.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

I think a lot of what the pre-school kids learn is instinctive in many ways - sort of not quite hard wired in yet but connections almost made already. But it is quite obvious that language development comes via the parents so it's quite important to talk and show and name stuff. Play is also key and playing with the youngster is pretty important.

Sadly these things don't always occur in some households. I only became aware of this when some tinies in the reception class at primary school didn't know any colours at all .

 

[rusky]

Involving them is a good way, asking if they want a brother or sister, ask if they can show you their brother/sister. That sort of thing.

#1 was 4 when we had #2 & #1 loves feeding his baby brother, bathing with him etc.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

our eldest, who will be nearly twelve when her new little sister is born in may, was concerned that when she is 40 her sister will be 28!

she's looking forward to it though, as are the other two, although i don't know what the youngest one (3) will make of it…

 

[Baggy]

#1 was 4 when we had #2 & #1 loves feeding his baby brother, bathing with him etc.

My friend's #1 was three when she had #2...and loved feeding her baby brother pebbles I don't really think she did it on purpose.

 

[Arch]

I think a lot of what the pre-school kids learn is instinctive in many ways - sort of not quite hard wired in yet but connections almost made already. But it is quite obvious that language development comes via the parents so it's quite important to talk and show and name stuff. Play is also key and playing with the youngster is pretty important.

Sadly these things don't always occur in some households. I only became aware of this when some tinies in the reception class at primary school didn't know any colours at all .

God yes. Since Oli was born, I find it much more affecting to think of neglected kids or even just kids not getting the very best start - I don't mean money, or things, but love, and encouragement and stimulation, the stuff I'd take for granted as just 'what you do', stuff that costs nothing, if the parents have the intelligence to do it. Too many people throw money at kids, with crappy electronic toys, and just leave them to it, when simply looking at cars going past outside the window and talking about them would do just as well.

When I commented on how well Oli was talking, his Dad pointed out that having my sister for a Mum, although he was only 2, he'd heard about 4 yearsworth of talking! (Think of my post count, we're all the same us Archer women.)

Rusky, cheers, that's a good point. I thought as well, I can always tell him about when his Mum was my little baby sister, if that means anything to him - we can be allies in adversity a bit, in a nice way.

 

[Arch]

My friend's #1 was three when she had #2...and loved feeding her baby brother pebbles I don't really think she did it on purpose.

Oh dear....

I don't think I ever did that. I was too old and sensible, and always trying to stop my sis doing stuff I thought might be dangerous. I often got bitten for my pains. It was her who stuck berries up her own nose...