Affairs of the heart - Relationship advice!

[tyred]

I think I'm in love with my best friend!

Early in the year, I met a girl that I really fell for, pretty much on first sight. I wasn't really in a very good place at the time, she wasn't either (tbh, we met at a group support session for people with depression).

We supported each other, met up, went to pub, concerts, walks, etc and always got on really well. I always had feelings for her from the beginning, as time went on, I came to appreciate her support and friendship and worried about potentially messing it up, never plucked up the courage to ask her out on a proper date. I wasn't ready when I met her first anyway. It would have been a disaster. She is quite simply the best friend I have ever had, we tell each other everything and never fail to have fun when we meet. We are usually quite flirty together.

She's been with quite a few men in the time I've known her but they rarely last more than a few days. I've had a few distractions myself but nothing serious either and my thoughts always return to her. She has been seeing a guy for the past week, and tbh, it hurts! I'm not jealous, I have many faults but jealously has neevr been one of them. I like her and if she is happy, I'm fine with that. It's more an anger at myself for feeling I should ask her out and feeling pathetic for not doing so. This is my issue, not hers.

Should I tell her how I feel about her and risk ruining a nice friendship or should I move on and try and find someone else? I can't help feeling I've missed the boat, I should have asked her out in the beginning, now it's dragged on so long she probably sees me as just a friend although I feel there is some sort of attraction there and she keeps saying things "like let me know when you feel ready for a relationship, I can guarantee there is someone waiting for you" which makes me wonder...

Either way, this is starting to drive me mad.

For the ladies of the forum - if you had been friendly with a man for almost a year and he suddenly said he was really into you, how would you react? Could you still be friends with him even if you didn't like him in that way?

 

[Shaun]

... now it's dragged on so long she probably sees me as just a friend although I feel there is some sort of attraction there and she keeps saying things like "let me know when you feel ready for a relationship, I can guarantee there is someone waiting for you" which makes me wonder ...

Firstly, I'd not do it yet - that would smack of jelously, which, if we're being completely honest, is what you're feeling - a bit. The timing is wrong if she's just started dating a new guy. But if it goes the same way as the other (short-lived) dates, then wait a week and casually ask if she was kidding when she said what she did ... and, depending on what you pick up from her reply, take it from there.

[Edit: If it all goes terribly wrong, let me know so I can make this thread quietly disappear - if it works out well, let me know so I can make it a sticky ... ]

 

[ttcycle]

Do it!

I can't answer your questions at the bottom because I'm not this person, however, if she's a decent person and not interested she'll tell you kindly and it might be a bit weird at first but hopefully the friendship will survive.

The worst is not doing anything and never knowing.

Good luck!

 

[ttcycle]

^ what he says!

 

[Mile195]

That's a tough one.

But you already know both outcomes. If you tell her, that'll be the end of the friendship. If she feels the same and it turns into some kind of relationship, then great. Although that said I've tried dating friends and it often ruins it really. It seems to add a level of pressure you never had before and the dynamics change.

If she doesn't feel the same then it'll be difficult to move on from really and it'll never be the same again.

Being flirty around you doesn't necessarily mean she's into you - it can just mean she feels paricularly comfortable with you around.

I don't think anyone on here can tell you either way what you should do. You know the dynamics, and ultimately only you can make the decision. You'll have to weigh up whether or not you can stand losing her friendship if it all goes wrong. If the answer's yes, then maybe you'll want to go for broke and talk to her. If not, then you may need to think twice... There are plenty more fish in the sea after all.

 

[ttcycle]

Think Mile195 observations are worth noting but the thing is, if it's enough to destroy a friendship then maybe that friendship wasn't as strong as you thought it was?

 

[numbnuts]

The only bit of advice - go for it you have nothing to loose and so much to gain - all the best to both of you

 

[Mile195]

Sorry - re-reading that I sound terribly negative...

I'll think of a way to soften the blow and come back to you.......

 

[michaelcycle]

Make a decision. Act. Accept the consequences of your action.

All this navel gazing will drive you mad otherwise.

 

[Shaun]

Sorry - re-reading that I sound terribly negative...

I'll think of a way to soften the blow and come back to you.......

I read your advice as being cautious - not a bad thing, especially in matters of the heart.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Go for it, tyred, she won't meet another bloke who likes all the old crap that you do.

 

[Plax]

I'm going to sound quite horrid here, but I don't know the full story just going off what you have written.

She's been with quite a few men in the time I've known her but they rarely last more than a few days.

This bit concerns me. Is this because they were just mutually consensual one night stand type relationships or have they ended because she's a commitment phobe or something?
If the former and she is capable of having a long term partner I'd say go for it. Otherwise you might end up as one of those short lived relationships at the expense of your friendship. Sometimes people can make fantastic friends but useless lovers (and vice versa).

 

[tyred]

I'm going to sound quite horrid here, but I don't know the full story just going off what you have written.



This bit concerns me. Is this because they were just mutually consensual one night stand type relationships or have they ended because she's a commitment phobe or something?
If the former and she is capable of having a long term partner I'd say go for it. Otherwise you might end up as one of those short lived relationships at the expense of your friendship. Sometimes people can make fantastic friends but useless lovers (and vice versa).

I think you might have a point there. I've often had text messages in the morning saying things like "yeah! I've a man in my bed!" followed a few hours later by "I decided I didn't like him so told him to **** off!" I do know she was in a long term relationship from about the age of 14 up until about 29 (she's 32 now) when he walked out with another woman. From what she's said a big part of her unhappiness has stemmed from that breech of trust and also the fact that she had depended on him for everything and had no life or friends that didn't involve her bf and she suddenly found herself absolutely alone and she's struggled ever since that and by her own admission, coped by binge drinking and throwing herself at random men.

I should have added that apart from the lack of confidence thing, early on I also had concerns but her mental stability that sent red flags up for me that said "don't go there" but she's been stable and sober for the past few months. Despite all the possible issues, I can't help having feelings for her.

EDIT: I wonder what it says about my mental state if the girl of my dreams happens to be a hot headed, binge drinking sex maniac

 

[Panter]

The way you're feeling now is confirmation that you probably want more than a friendship. Go for it, life's too short, better to regret what you've done than not done etc, all sort of cliches will fit here and for good reason.
Good luck!

 

[ttcycle]

I think you might have a point there. I've often had text messages in the morning saying things like "yeah! I've a man in my bed!" followed a few hours later by "I decided I didn't like him so told him to **** off!" I do know she was in a long term relationship from about the age of 14 up until about 29 (she's 32 now) when he walked out with another woman. From what she's said a big part of her unhappiness has stemmed from that breech of trust and also the fact that she had depended on him for everything and had no life or friends that didn't involve her bf and she suddenly found herself absolutely alone and she's struggled ever since that and by her own admission, coped by binge drinking and throwing herself at random men.

I should have added that apart from the lack of confidence thing, early on I also had concerns but her mental stability that sent red flags up for me that said "don't go there" but she's been stable and sober for the past few months. Despite all the possible issues, I can't help having feelings for her.

EDIT: I wonder what it says about my mental state if the girl of my dreams happens to be a hot headed, binge drinking sex maniac

I see, with the above in mind it might be wise to wait and see how she and you develop as people. Sounds like there are quite a few things thrown in the mix that are influencing things. We can't help who we;'re attracted to but at the same time, it's not always a positive thing- you might be chasing after someone who is not emotionally available at this point and she might need to resolve a few things - she may not do that. Plus, if you're both suffering from depression, it's useful to tackle the root causes of that.