Am I unemployable?

[MichaelM]

I've been asked to provide some pre-interview information. Now this may seem quite normal to you lot, but as I was in one job for a long time where common sense was expected - it seems like like total bollox to me.

A few of the qestions:

What are you looking for in the future and why?

What do I say to that? I'm looking for the meaning of life? Looking to find the origin of the Universe?

Where do you want to go?

Around the world by bike. Then I'd go the other way by a different route. I'd also like to do a world white water trip, kayaking the best rivers around the world.

What ambitions do you have?

See where do I want to go. Oh, and World peace.

Is there anything you would do differently in your life and why?

Lots, usually under the influence of alcohol. Coz the wife didn't speak to me for a few days at a time and we didn't have peace in the house never mind the world. I also felt like shoot the day after.

What factors encourage you to do well?

Describe any notable successes and achievements in your personal and private life you are particularly proud of and why?

Bloody hell.....

 

[papercorn2000]

You could claim to have invented Apricillin, a new antibiotic. They would be no wiser! I find that the more outrageous the lies you tell, the more peopel are likely to believe you.

 

[Fnaar]

I know, it's all a pile of poo really... somewhere along the line, management consultants managed to convince employers that all this guff was useful ...
my honest answer these days as to what I want from my job is to be left in peace to do it (I think I do it rather well when left to my own devices) and to not have to think about it once I leave the building where I work... simple as that really. However, I rarely give that answer... I suss out the guff they want to hear, and let them hear it... then they leave me alone for a bit...
so, either fight it (through giving real answers... but you end up not getting what you need) or let them hear the shite their questions aim to elicit... play the game, so to speak, then bugger off cycling!

 

[Arch]

oh god, it's awful stuff...

What are you looking for in the future and why?

Well, I'd quite like to have a roof over my head, enough to eat and not die alone and not be found for weeks because I have no friends or family left....

I can't see that saying "This person is ambitious" to the average employer...

"play the game" is probably the way to go.... Get a good "How to do well in interviews" book from the library, and look up a few key phrases. If you really care, you could at least try and adapt them to your own personal circs.

I gather the key is to play the game but with just enough individuality to stand out. The last interview I had (the only, so far!) I tried to 'play along' and then in the bit at the end it came out that I had useful minibus driving skill and I was able to tell a van driving anecdote and it had us all laughing and theysaid in feedback I was great to interview and the only reason I didn't get it was because the person who did had better IT skills, which was the more important thing....

 

[Haitch]

What are you looking for in the future and why?

Challenges that will bring out the best in me and test all my competences for the benefit of others.

Where do you want to go?

As far as my skills and ambition levels will let me go as a strong team player.

What ambitions do you have?

To fulfil the opportunities I have been given to deliver real solutions.

Is there anything you would do differently in your life and why?

Pro-actively anticipate sticking points so as to obviate deadlocks going forwards.

What factors encourage you to do well?

Knowing I am appreciated and make a difference.

Describe any notable successes and achievements in your personal and private life you are particularly proud of and why?

The privilege of knowing that here, today, we are all heading in the same direction and the journey will be as optimal as the destination.

 

[rich p]

TF I work for myself. I'd be tempted to go with your brilliant spoof answers and hope they aw the funny side but I guess that's pretty unlikely!

 

[Landslide]

*Shudder*

Alas, as another currently looking for a new job I suspect all Alan H says is true

It'd be much better if I could take this approach:
http://xkcd.com/125/

 

[Fnaar]

Pro-actively anticipate sticking points so as to obviate deadlocks going forwards.

Rastafar-I....
Oh, sorry, deadlocks...

 

[Crackle]

What are you looking for in the future and why?

Describe a type of satisfaction around type of work, hours and skills which the job offers. This is a very basic will you fit in here question.

Where do you want to go?

Choose an opportunity or path appropriate to the job you're applying for i.e. one day you'd like to aspire to hold the position of ...... NOT something which is not achievable in the company.

What ambitions do you have?

Elucidate further on the two questions above but change it slightly, maybe mention future training/courses which would equip you for new challenges but link it to the job, they don't want someone training up at their expense and then scootling off.

Is there anything you would do differently in your life and why?

Describe something you've already done differently to take you to where you are now.

What factors encourage you to do well?

Describe this personally but link it back to the job again. They want to know that this position will motivate you

Describe any notable successes and achievements in your personal and private life you are particularly proud of and why?

More of the done differently question but add some specific detail.


Crap, crap bollocks and crap. Always deal with fact and the job description with these kind of questions, don't be tempted to get all whimsical and dreamy.

Aha! the HR interview question game: Not based on whether you have the right skills but whether you give them the stereotype answers they require to tick their 'profile' sheet - Suggestions made.

 

[Maz]

I hate these kinds of wishywashy nambypamby hoity-stickitupyour-toity bullsht questions. Like Arch says, play along with it, giving some stock answers from a How-To type book.
Good luck, mate.
I'm currently registered with some recruitment agencies and they all talk in non-sensical soundbites.

 

[ChrisKH]

*Shudder*

Alas, as another currently looking for a new job I suspect all Alan H says is true

It'd be much better if I could take this approach:
http://xkcd.com/125/

Put it in plain English and they'll be even more impressed. Be prepared before interview to discuss each area for a couple of minutes. Also answers to the stock questions:-

where do you see yourself in 5 years time.
How would your friends or colleagues describe you.
Tell us about a difficult task you had at work recently and how you overcome it.
Tell me about you working day.
Why do you want this job.
What do you bring to this job that no one else does.
What do you most enjoy in your current role.
What do you least enjoy.
What do you do outside work.

Fact is, it doesn't matter what your answers are (unless they're completely imbecilic) if the face fits people will want to recruit you. Try and ascertain what they are looking for and change your answer to suit. Be confident. Get used to speaking about yourself in positive tones but don't come over as self-obsessed. Polish your shoes, wear a suit, shave and don't pretend to know it all. The idea is to come over as a balanced individual who has a leaning towards the post you are applying for.

 

[Crackle]

AlanH is playing the game right back, good if you can but if you can't keep thinking up bollocks answers that'll catch you out, it's good bollocks though

Not in HR are you Alan?

 

[yello]

I feel your pain brother! That kind of stuff does my head in. They supposedly want honest answers... who are they kidding? Most people need a job rather than want one. Given they choice, they'd be flat out on the couch watching daytime tv, or out on their bikes, or whatever. As long as a job pays enough money, most people are content with having it interesting enough to get through the working day, having a laugh along the way with a decent group of work mates, etc.... very open, real and down to earth expectations really. Few people want to work or are lucky enough to be in a job that they honestly want to get out of bed for. Like fnaar says, all you can do is play the game. Try and give the answers expected without sounding too schmultzy and with a bit of yourself in the mix... honest answers don't get you the job but half believable bullshit might.

If it's any consolation, I feel I am pretty darn close to unemployable. I have what is probably called 'an attitude problem'. I can't sacrifice myself on the high alter of corporate fiddle and I'm too stupid to play the game. At my age, with my checkered work record, there are very few options left for me. Just as well I retired really!

 

[Haitch]

Not in HR are you Alan?

Good grief, no. Freelance translator.

 

[Over The Hill]

I find if you shove all their bullshit words in a thesaurus and use the alternative word in the response it gives a nice load of goals aims and acievements they like to see. Also promise them to work whenever they want and not take a holiday and your first born child and it is in the bag.

Oh and lots on being a team player!

I am struggling with a written statement to go with a job application to a local authority. I should be doing it now but am on CC instead.