Bad Sex!

[dellzeqq]

hey! We've all been there! And if we haven't, Friday afternoon is the time to start! Happily the Guardian has the entries to this year's Bad Sex Awards to hand (tish-boom), so we can all spend a happy half hour, perusing the contenders. That's right - contenders

I'm afraid I'm not going to let you off with a 'OMG' or a smiley. You have to choose! That's what the poll is for....

first up - Christos Tsiolkos http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/christos-tsiolkas-bad-sex-award (easy on the compost, Christos!)

second - Stephen King http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/stephen-king-bad-sex-award (this is so rubbish I'm not putting it in the poll)

third - Haruki Murakami http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/haruki-murakami-bad-sex-award (I've a feeling something got lost in translation)

fourth - Chris Adrian http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/chris-adrian-bad-sex-award (actually, this is rubbish, but not as rubbish as Stephen King)

fifth - Peter Nadas http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/peter-nadas-bad-sex-awards

sixth - Simon van Booy http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/simon-van-booy-bad-sex-award (this is pretty rubbish as well)

seventh - James Frey http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/james-frey-bad-sex-award (I have no idea what this is about, but Unkers may be able to help)

eighth - David Guterson http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/david-guterson-bad-sex-award (hilarious! 'Apollo with his modest marble membrum virile')

ninth - Jean M Auel http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/jean-m-auel-bad-sex-award (yet more 'clefts, crevices and nodules')

tenth - Sebastian Barry http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/sebastian-barry-bad-sex-award (I confess I almost like this one)

eleventh (and last) - Lee Childs http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/nov/25/lee-child-bad-sex-award ('the room began to shake' - yeah, whatever)

 

[snorri]

OMG, that's just too much for afternoon coffee time, sorry.

 

[theclaud]

Ha! I love the Bad Sex Awards! I'm a bit undecided - Nadas is almost impossibly bad. King, Childs, Adrian Auel and van Booy are just a bit crap. Murakami is boring. Guterson had me in stitches - I love it. Barry is alright, as you say. It's a toss-up (boom-tish) between Nadas and Tsiolkos I reckon.

 

[Cheddar George]

I suspect that Tsiolkos got more enjoyment out of writing that than i did from reading it.
I did enjoy the Murakami, i will never look at an ear the same way again.

 

[theclaud]

I've made up my mind. For "elongated vulva", "pudendal cleft", "bottomless swamp of dead fish and yellow lilies in bloom" and thinking he's Georges Bataille, it has to be Nadas. Tsiolkos's "immersed in the slush of her moist meat" should clinch it, but all that diarrhoea and bile stuff is too self-consciously yukky - it just reads like he's trying for the award.

 

[GrumpyGregry]

You rigged the poll! King is the clear winner.

 

[User169]

Best if it's awarded to someone who likes to be taken seriously. AA Gill and Giles Coren have "won" in the past - can't really see the point though since they seem to be quite proud of the fact. Giving Updike a "lifetime achievement" award is genius, however.

 

[theclaud]

Lovin' the sig line, DP!

 

[TheDoctor]

I was looking at that list and thinking 'But I've never shagged any of them!!'.
They could all be brilliant in bed, for all I know.
*confused*

 

[srw]

'Bravo!' he called out, the words muffled by his lady's breast. 'Bravo, everybody. Well done!'

That's by Adrian, and is a quite, quite horrible line. I did read one or two of Auel's previous novels (it's a long-running sequence set in prehistory) before giving them up as just bad, so it's not surprising there's a BS nomination. Is (s)he describing inter-species sex there? From memory there is at least one sapiens-neanderthalis relationship somewhere in the sequence.

But the worst has to be Murakami. It's just appalling.

 

[Mozzy]

Ran with Lee Childs. Reacher is far too big an mighty to spend time having nooky. As for Tom Cruise being cast as Reacher in forthcoming big budget Hollywood movie????? Jack Reacher 6'5" 250lbs 56" chest. Tom Cruise ...WTF???

 

[threebikesmcginty]

She had come.

 

[Globalti]

Gawd almighty! I lost the will to read beyond number five. None of them aroused even the smallest groinal tickle in me, which is quite a relief really.

 

[Yellow Fang]

I voted for Tsiolkos too and Nadas would have been my 2nd choice. James Frey would have been my 3rd. Not really like reading Anthony Powell.

 

[slowmotion]

churning compost