Best comeback line ever?

[jeltz]

As a 13 year old our teacher that also did careers advice was doing a question and answer session so as to help people decide what O'levels to do.

All started OK with sensible questions about what to to study to become a doctor, pilot, engineer etc.... then comes....

What should I study if I want to be a spy for the KGB?

The reply was "I fear that whatever you study you won't make it to Cambridge to be recruited, perhaps you should re-think your chosen career"

---------------------------

You know how after the event you sometimes think damn I wish I'd said...

Well the 2nd times it happens occasionally you remember....


As a lad about town I went up to a rather attractive girl in a nightclub and asked her if I could buy her a drink. She had her friends around her, looked me up and down and said, "Do I look that F###ing desperate?" well it had happened before so I looked at her and said "Well, yes or I wouldn't have come over" her mates pi$$ed themselves laughing.

 

[swee'pea99]

Well, I don't want to get picky, but the Hells Angels didn't know that did they? The myth of the menacing 'steady', I have never ever seen it work. Indeed, I was on a course at Brize Norton, with a real SAS trooper, and he got beaten half senseless by an RAF cook in the NAAFI.

Well, all I can say is it was told to me by a guy I have no reason to doubt, and I don't think it's a myth, I think it's what happened. I do love the idea of the SAS guy beaten up by a NAAFI gravy stirrer tho'!

 

[ianrauk]

told this one before.
Was at a set of lights. Cyclist in full lycra in front of me. Small hatch chaved up pulled up. Passenger shouted to cyclist. "Oi your gay you are", Cyclist shouted back "Your mum didn't think so when I f***ed her last night".
Laugh? I nealry fell off my bike.

 

[atbman]

Overcoming modesty, I once had an altercation which ended with numpty driver screaming, "I 'ate ****ing cyclists".

My inspired (says me,modestly) reply, "Then stop ****ing them, dear boy, it's not obligatory".

Collapse of car's passengers in raucous laughter and pucifying (I can also make words up) of driver's face.

 

[vernon]

Real one delivered this week by a colleague elevated to legend status.

During a very boring presentation delivered by a deputy head that makes drying paint an exciting distraction, an apparently snoozing colleague was targetted by the deputy:

Deputy: Will someone nudge XXXX he's having a snooze
XXXX: I wasn't snoozing, I was praying (and after a perfectly timed pause) but you're still talking

The assembled throng were hugging themselves for several minutes.

 

[Crankarm]

A fierce, but not unattractive, female colleague who hardly spoke to me once said to me as I was working away at my desk,

"CA you look stunned!?"

I immediately replied in a matter of fact nonchalent sort of way,

"That's because you're stunning....."

She went bright bright red .

She was a lot less fierce to me after this. Everyone else still suffered though.

 

[vernon]

A fierce, but not unattractive, female colleague who hardly spoke to me once said to me as I was working away at my desk,
"CA you look stunned!?"
I immediately replied in a matter of fact nonchalent sort of way,
"That's because you're stunning....."
She went bright bright red .
She was a lot less fierce to me after this. Everyone else still suffered though.

Which brings to mind a comeback that I used to good effect.

I was sitting in the staff room with a couple of colleagues who were of a similar build to me i.e. large and portly.

A thin waspish female colleague was making snide remarks about our build and I stopped her dead in her tracks with:

"You could do wi' some fat on you - me."

My two male colleagues nearly choked on their pies - it was lunchtime. My female colleague turned redder than a red thing and left the staffroom and I got a round of applause.

 

[Globalti]

In 1977 I was living in a college hall of residence in Huelva, in the depths of rural Andalucia. There was always a lot of talk of shagging various animals of the farmyard; it was definitley a goat/sheep/pig culture there. One of the residents in the halls was an irritating fat munter called Pepe Diez Diez who one day spotted the photo I had of my girlfriend back home, stuck inside my wardrobe door. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "Your girlfriend has the face of a drug addict!" (It's true she did look a bit heavy-lidded and dopey in the photo).

With perfect English cool I turned to him and quietly replied in my best Spanish: "Really? Well then you have the face of a fat pig!" In rural Spain this was a serious insult; the cleaning lady who was in the room at that moment gasped in shock and Pepe went bright red and fled the room, to gales of laughter from a couple of other blokes who were there. Possibly my best insult ever.

 

[swee'pea99]

Not a comeback line exactly, insofar as it was a response to something done, not something said, but I once annoyed a bloke in a Very Flash Car by overtaking him in traffic, causing him to screech past me far too close and cut me up horribly. When I caught up with him at the next set of light I pulled up alongside and said amiably (and to be honest, to my own surprise...it wasn't premeditated) 'Well, you've got the Maserati - all you need now is a life.' I could hear him bellowing with rage as I headed off into the park....

 

[NickM]

Overcoming modesty, I once had an altercation which ended with numpty driver screaming, "I 'ate ****ing cyclists".

"Just as well, because I'd hate to **** an ugly **** like you"

 

[HonestMan1910]

A kid on Walton Breck Road once said to a day-tripper parking up prior to going to watch Liverppol at Anfield: "Can I mind your car, mister?" The guy goes, "There's no need son. I've got a Rottweiler in the back." and quick as a flash the kid says, "Can it put fires out?"

and the Glasgow version of this is "Can your dog blow up tyres ?"

 

[PaulB]

A collegue of mine once ended a request for a favour of a female colleague by referring to her as "babe". She was not the best looking girl who's ever been seen and so we began to tease him until he said "haven't you seen that film?"

 

[yenrod]

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said.....




"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

I'm sure Pat will be along soon and remontrate a porn storyline here..or such like in a 'roundabout manner !

 

[JamesAC]

A school-friend of mine got his English essay back. It had red scribbles all over it. At the bottom, the teacher had written "the blind and crippled can write better than this". My friend added "As you so ably demonstrate!!" and sent it back to the teacher. I understand that a sort of truce was called.

 

[Hover Fly]

Well, I don't want to get picky, but the Hells Angels didn't know that did they? The myth of the menacing 'steady', I have never ever seen it work. Indeed, I was on a course at Brize Norton, with a real SAS trooper, and he got beaten half senseless by an RAF cook in the NAAFI.

Long ago on an army camp in Wales I was sat in the NAFFI with my comrades when a young man came over and mooned us. I was looking the over way, so one of my colleagues asked for a repeat, so the youth got on a chair right in front of me and, well, lets just say I could almost see his tapeworm. Quick as a flash I threw my orange juice,* Bullseye! young laddo spent half an hour in the shower unsticking himself. Found out later he had just passed the SAS corporals' course.

*I was teetotal at the time.