best put downs you've heard

[Greedo]

Was flicking through a book with all these famous quotes and Winston Churchill was in there.

Nancy Astor - You're drunk.
Churchill - And you're ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Nancy Astor - If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.
Churchill - Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

 

[TheDoctor]

George Bernard Shaw
Isadora Duncan (the beautiful dancer) is said to have asked him if it wouldn't be wonderful if they had a baby together. The child would have my looks and your brains, she said.
To which Shaw responded - but what if it had my looks and your brains?

 

[colly]

I once asked some arsey tw*t who was trying to impress his mates if it was his turn to used the family brain cell that day.

Not my put down, I must have heard it somewhere beforehand, but it worked a treat.

His mates all fell about laughing.

 

[Cubist]

In the days before cameras in the cells, a lad was brought in for being drunk and disorderly. Turned out he was a student, and wasn't too pissed to start telling us all about his rights and so on and so on. He started ranting and raving about facist state, police brutality, and a whole host of everything we've heard before. He then started telling us how he was going to make a complaint, write to his MP, tell his neighbour the solicitor on us and so on. He looked straight at me and shouted "Well?" so I said
"You do know your hairdresser's taking the piss don't you?"

 

[porteous]

Put downs

During the 1st Gulf war I was part of a two man team advising the Commander British Forces on chemical and biological warfare. We occupied an area of the main operations room in the HQ at Riyadh. We were, as you can imagine, quite busy. (Saddam did have WDM the first time around!).

One day a very pompous Colonel, who had just arrived, marched up to our desk and launched into a tirade about his respirator being unsatisfactory (Absolutely NOT our problem). When his speech finished the RAF Regt Sqn Leader I was working with looked him straight in the eye and said:

"Sir, I fear you have mistaken me for someone who gives a **ck."

He turned on his heel and we never saw him again. I WISH I'd said that!!

 

[swee'pea99]

In the days before cameras in the cells, a lad was brought in for being drunk and disorderly. Turned out he was a student, and wasn't too pissed to start telling us all about his rights and so on and so on. He started ranting and raving about facist state, police brutality, and a whole host of everything we've heard before. He then started telling us how he was going to make a complaint, write to his MP, tell his neighbour the solicitor on us and so on. He looked straight at me and shouted "Well?" so I said
"You do know your hairdresser's taking the piss don't you?"

Thas pleece brutality that is....that bloke probly still wakes up in a cold swet over that i hope yor pleesed with yorslef...




he he he

 

[Rhythm Thief]

I like George Bernard Shaw's response to an audience member shouting "boo! hiss! rubbish" etc. on the opening night of one of his plays. He said something like: "My good sir, I absolutely agree with you. But what are we two against so many?" Brilliant.

 

[cookiemonster]

I don't know if this counts as a put down but I thought it was and it was hilarious.

Two old white trash hags were having a set to on the Jeremy Kyle show and after they had been separeted by security, they still continued to have a slanging match until one old hag said something and the other said 'yeah, well at least I still have teeth'!!

I was in stitches.

 

[Hover Fly]

I once sat opposite a particularly pompous little fat bloke on Eurostar, he had his all "important" work work spread out all over the table, this was in a "leisure" coach as opposed to "business". When I asked him if he could make room for the meal that was being served he replied "You don't have to take the meal you know". So I just pushed some of his bum-fodder over to his side of the table. At this he picked up his mobile and said in a ludicrously loud voice "I won't get that report finished in time, some chav is stopping me working." I saw red, and took the small torch I carry out of my pocket and offered it to him. He looked perplexed. I explained "You're so far up yourself there can't be much natural light!". He realised he had lost and moved to another table, to cheers from the family across the gangway, who told me he had been like that shushing and looking daggers at the children all the way from Paris to Lille where I had boarded.

 

[atbman]

Blowing my own trumpet also:

Irate driver, held up for, ooh, 1.6 seconds, "I hate ****ing cyclists!"

Me, "Then stop ****ing them, my dear chap, it's not obligatory"

Irate driver's wife/girlfriend/partner/SO burst into fit of (apparently) helpless giggles

 

[vernon]

One of the standard insults amongst school boys is:

'I've f7%ked your mother'

The best put down that I've heard to this was: "I know and she said you weren't very good"

There was a total loss of face.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

At one of the places I used to work, there was a manager who was a bit of a stickler for timekeeping and a driver who was almost always late by five or ten minutes. One morning, they both arrived at the same time. "Morning Jim. late again?" saitd the manager. Without even breaking stride, Jim said "Morning Dave. Yes, me too."

 

[mercurykev]

I use to work in a night club and one evening the bouncers had to eject a lad who wasn't behaving himself. This didn't go down too well the young scrote and he tried to threaten the biggest bouncer by saying that he was going to come back the next night with a shotgun! Without missing a beat the bouncer replied, 'well make sure you come back after 10 o'clock because I'll have finished f***ing your Mum by then'.

 

[ComedyPilot]

When I was a copper we had a lad giving it all in the cells. He was demanding this that and the other, knowing he was playing to the other prisoners and solicitors in custody that day. He'd been interviewed and was about to be bailed (he'd only been in an hour or so). He banged on his cell door demanding food, so I opened the hatch.

"I want my dinner, WHERE IS IT?" he shouted.

To which I replied, "You're going home soon, so get your mother - if that's who the slob in front of the telly is - to put down her can of Stella, switch off the Jeremy Kyle show and make you some Coco-pops"

 

[Vikeonabike]

Whilst on guard duty with an RAF colleague back in the early 90's we were approached by a young army 2Lt, who was extremely upset that he had not been saluted by said RAF colleague (me being a Pongo and entrusted with the rifle wasn't involved). Bearing in mind it was base policy that we did not salute anybody on the gate, and they shouldn't be wearing uniform when they drove into work. 2LT, quite enraged said "What's wrong with you, don't you salute army officers in the RAF?"
Quick as flash and completely dead pan "No Sir, we don't have any Army Officers in the RAF".
LT was then given a bollocking by the RAF Police Sgt when he went into the guardroom to complain!