best put downs you've heard

[ComedyPilot]

A p*ssed accountant stopped from taking a leak in someone's doorway:

"I've got rights, you know"

"And so have people who want to buy their morning paper without having to wade through a lake of your urine"

 

[Vikeonabike]

My mates favourite

"If you were better looking with a personality you'd almost be attractive!"

 

[ComedyPilot]

P*ssed bloke staggering along the road with an open Pizza box in one hand, slice in the other. Girl in too little clothing for the time of year haughtily marching ahead of him, obviously not too pleased with him.

"Steph.......Steph.........wait for me Steph.........awww come on Steph" he whined.

I rolled alongside him, window down, "Steph's deaf mate.......Steph's deaf..."

 

[ACS]

RAF Police patrol driving across an airfield in Germany when they see someone walking his dog near the runway (airfield closed for the weekend). Patrol pulls along side the dog walker and the Cpl advises said individual that dog walking was not allowed on the airfield and politely requests sight if his RAF identity card. At this point the dog walker climbs on his high horse and starts the "Don't you know who I am routine"

Having identifed the dog walker as a Flt Lt with many years seniority, the Cpl provides some stern guidance at which point the Flt Lt demands to see the Cpl's ID card.

On looking at the ID card the Flt Lt screams "My God! I joined the Air Force before you were born" to which the Cpl replied "Well Sir you haven't got very far now have you. Now get in the van."
--

Not so much a put down more a notable comment; I once had a very, very senior RAF officer say to me, "Sarge you have a remarkable ability to make the word 'Sir' sound like "you are being a c%t"".
--

Standing in chippy in Liverpool when a lad walks in and orders fish and chips. On being handed his food the lad looks down and say's "excuse me but was that fish dead when it went into the fryer?”
The girls behind the counter says “yes, why?”
“Because it looks like its eaten all me chips”

 

[lady_rider]

My favorite, I don't know where from; 'if my dog was as ugly as you I'd shave its ass and walk it backwards'

 

[RabbitFood]

I heard this one at my football training one night from the Manager.

He was talking to me about a few things when one of the other lads was always interuping as he dose all the time.

The manager says " do you drink goats milk "
"no" replied the lad
"well stop butting in then"

had all three teams in stiches and he is now called butt head

 

[Rhythm Thief]

I remember visiting an urban nature reserve years ago and being given a tour by the manager. He knew his stuff, but wasn't much good at dealing with people, which became apparent half way round when we were tagged onto by two or three cocky twelve year olds. They got more and more lippy and even the arrival of the community copper (one of the old school, a proper policeman) didn't calm them down. "You arrested my brother!" the ringleader said hotly. The policeman replied, and the young lad said "what?", whereupon the copper said "can't you hear? Your ears are big enough". Cue instant respect.

 

[CopperBrompton]

"Sarge you have a remarkable ability to make the word 'Sir' sound like "you are being a c%t"".

I always liked the military version of the RTM abbreviations:

Civilian version:
RTFM: Read The Manual

Military version (for superior ranks):
RTFMA: Read The Manual, Sir

 

[Norm]

A long time ago, in another life, I went to a screening of "The Great Rock'n'Roll Swindle". As this was a midnight show in middle of town, most of the audience in the packed theatre would have been placed at the inebriated end of the sobriety spectrum.

Unsurprisingly, there was plenty of heckling through the film until, about 15 minutes in, the film stopped, the lights came up and about 30 police came in, a couple of them with dogs who were woofing loudly at the "atmosphere" in the theatre.

Sergeant Knobsworth stood at the front, beneath the screen and started to offer a bit of fortune-telling, predicting the next 30 minutes in the lives of the audience members who continued their disruptive behaviour, with the dogs woofing loudly.

One self-appointed joker towards the middle of the theatre shouted out "Give the dog a bone!"

The dog-handler, who had a deep, loud voice which he could project magnificently, instantly said "I'll give him one of yours if you don't sit down and shut up!"

Much laughter, much piss-taking of the joker and that was that. The perfect line, the perfect delivery and everyone was sitting down to watch the rest of the film, which passed without incident.

 

[Browser]

Jason Manford, comedian, upon being heckled when very fresh-faced and starting out on the comedy circuit;

(Drunk heckler) "Where are yer pubes mate?"

(Jason Manford) "Between your wife's teeth!"

Billy Conolly to a heckler;

"I don't suppose there's any chance your mouth bleeds every twenty-eight days is there?"

 

[661-Pete]

This oldie, probably quite well-known (sorry!).

Radio exchange between Frankfurt Airport ground control, and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Speedbird 206, good morning, please taxi to gate 15."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, but it was in 1944, and I didn't land."

 

[661-Pete]

Another oldie, attributed to Noel Coward I think.

A particularly hostile Theatre Critic doesn't get the usual complimentary tickets to the opening night of Noel's latest production. He fires off a telegram to Noel, saying "So sorry to have missed your opening night. I look forward to tickets for your second night - if you have a second night."

Noel's reply: "Sincere apologies for not having sent you tickets. I am sending you at once two tickets for our second night, for yourself and a friend - if you have a friend..."

 

[Coco]

Ed Byrne was on Graham Norton this week, he likes to argue with hecklers.

Heckler: "If you look up 'stupid' in the dictionary, there's a picture of you!"
Ed: I don't need to look up 'stupid' in the dictionary. And my dictionary doesn't have pictures."

 

[rusky]

A few years ago at work, the admin girl - who had only been working at the company a few weeks, was sorting post or something.

She asked a product manager (AKA mangler) to take aomething upstairs as he was going that way. He starts ranting along the lines of "do you know how impartant I am in this company", "youre asking me to do your menial job" etc. At that point he turns to me & says "Russ, tell her how important I am to this company"

To which I reply, looking at the girl, in a dead pan voice "He's a c%t"!

 

[eldudino]

You're about as much use as a marzipan dildo. - Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It