best put downs you've heard

[CopperBrompton]

This oldie, probably quite well-known (sorry!).

Radio exchange between Frankfurt Airport ground control, and a British Airways 747

Another ATC oldie-but-goodie ...

After a particularly impatient female ATC at JFK loudly berates a pilot for failing to follow instructions, there is silence on the frequency for a few moments and then a laconic voice comes on: "Didn't I used to be married to you once?"

 

[mercurykev]

My brother to a snooty young lady in a night club, "you're really not pretty enough to have that sort of attitude'.

 

[Cubist]

It's one of those that goes round and round, but we use it every time we lock someone up who thinks they're it. The last one I remember was a local dignitary who had fallen foul of our draconian drink driving laws.
"Officer, have you any idea who I am?" to which the gaoler will always say
"'ere sarge, there's a bloke here who doesn't know who he is......"

Another of my favourites was a policewoman who we met in the very early days when we were at training school. She was a hardbitten type, and one of the class asked when she had joined. She replied that it had been in the early seventies, and the class clown said "F*cking' hell, Tv was still black and white then" to which she replied "Yes sonny, but life was in colour."

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Another of my favourites was a policewoman who we met in the very early days when we were at training school. She was a hardbitten type, and one of the class asked when she had joined. She replied that it had been in the early seventies, and the class clown said "F*cking' hell, Tv was still black and white then" to which she replied "Yes sonny, but life was in colour."

I like that.

Sherlock Holmes talking to Inspector Lestrade in one of the Conan Doyle stories - "However, I understand there were some clues which you failed to overlook" - always makes me chuckle. Holmes had a great line in dry, laconic put downs.

 

[Norm]

My brother to a snooty young lady in a night club, "you're really not pretty enough to have that sort of attitude'.

Hahaha

Reminds me of one of my own, I went into a clothes shop in Lincoln with a friend who farms up that way. As we'd come straight from the farm, we were not well dressed so this snooty old lady was following us around suspiciously from the moment we arrived.

After a few minutes browsing, she came up to me and said, in the closest that they can get to a posh accent up that way "Can I help you, sir?"

I glanced briefly at her, turned away and, in my Home Counties public schoolboy best, threw back "I really do doubt that very much."

 

[mr_hippo]

Nancy Astor - You're drunk.
Churchill - And you're ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Not Nancy Astor - Bessie Braddock, MP

 

[Speicher]

Last century I was working somewhere, and travelling every other weekend to Cheltenham. For months and months I put up with a lot of, at times, nasty teasing from a particular person. She would always say something like "dirty weekends in Cheltenham then?".

Eventually I found out that she was staying with her boyfriend on week nights, and going home at the weekend. How strange is that? Then I found out that she was a Catholic and going to Mass etc on Sundays.

So, my reply to her on the next bout of teasing was, "Well, at least I do not have dirty Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and then go and pray about it on Sundays.

No further teasing from her.

 

[2Loose]

A gay friend and I were walking past 3 young teenagers one evening who were picking up and throwing stuff onto the road from a skip. We stopped, stared and uttered 'what are you like' or something when the largest, must have been at least fifteen walked straight up to us with his shorter cronies in tow. 'I'm mad me', my mate shot back 'No, you are pretty and they'll love you in prison'. We could hear his cronies jeering at him all the way down the road.

 

[cygnet]

A boy wants a car from his dad, his dad says
"First you've got to cut your hair."
The boy says
"Hey Dad, Jesus had long hair"
and his dad said

"That's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere."

 

[Old timer]

I`m new, hope I don`t get banned!

The lonely woman goes into a pet shop looking for a pet. The guy behind the counter tells her he has just the thing!!! "It`s a clit licking frog madam"
The lady (holding back her excitement) said OK I`ll take him. What do I have to do?
Just get undressed and put him on your thigh and he will do the rest.

Several days later the lady rings the pet shop up to complain that the frog isn`t performing and just sits there.
OK says the shopkeeper, I`m coming home past your house so I`ll call in and take a look.
He duly arrives, tells the lady to get undressed and puts the frog on her thigh. The frog does nothing but just sit there and the man from the shop says to the frog
" Have I got to show you again what to do"?

 

[Mr Pig]

Joy in My Name Is Earl came out with some crackers, like when Catolina insults her in Mexican and Joy says "Sorry, sweetheart, I don't speak maid."

Earl: Where's my grandfather's cuckoo clock?

Joy: I pawned it.

Earl: What?

Joy: What do you think, cigarettes grow on trees?

 

[jonny jeez]

really enjoyed reading through these...some great ones, I especially like atbmans and mercury kev's...I'll have to remember those for the future.

My dad used to tell me stories of great put downs, not sure if they were his or tales from the station but two that stuck in my mind..

Prosecution to witness, "it was dark and foggy that night, was your vision restricted"

Witness "no"

Prosecution "really, how far would you say you could see"

Witness "oh, many, many miles"


Prosecution. "Really...you expect this jury to believe you could see for miles?...tell me, how can this be so"

Witness. "well....I could see the moon"




Unfortunately the best put down I've heard was aimed at me when I was ranting at someone about something in traffic (back in the days of road rage)

the other guy said... "when you get around the corner and calm down a little, you're going to realise how stupid you look"

 

[jimheaney57]

A bit rude this one.

Many years ago I managed a band. We travelled fairly extensively.

One night, somewhere in the States, after a gig I was driving the van back to the hotel. We were sopped at lights with a rather good looking girl standing waiting to cross the road. One of the band was in the front passenger seat and full of post gig euphoria he leaned out the window and said "do you suck c***?"

The instant reply from the girl was "Yes, but not yours!"

 

[Old timer]

A bit rude this one.

Many years ago I managed a band. We travelled fairly extensively.

One night, somewhere in the States, after a gig I was driving the van back to the hotel. We were sopped at lights with a rather good looking girl standing waiting to cross the road. One of the band was in the front passenger seat and full of post gig euphoria he leaned out the window and said "do you suck c***?"

The instant reply from the girl was "Yes, but not yours!"

That`s the story of my life Jim

 

[Bill Gates]

Muhammed Ali " You're not as dumn as you look".