best put downs you've heard
- Thread starter Greedo
- Start date
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jonny jeez
Legendary Member
- Location
- Chislehurst, Kent, UK
dellzeqq said:
A friend of mine alwyas refers to drinking beer as "renting a beer" as you are bound to give it back at some point (in one form or another)
Chrisc
Guru
- Location
- Huddersfield
Student at work was giving us grief about her work, "It has to be just so, I'm a perfectionist just like my father" she says. Without really thinking I said, He must have been gutted when you were born....
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
I was once at a clay shooting competition. A father and son team were shooting in front of us, and Dad went first. He struggled on the first pair, missing the second target, then missed the next pair completely. He killed both the third pair and hit the second out of the fourth pair. His son, aged about 14 took to the stand and smoothly and flawlessly turned all 8 targets to balls of dust.
His father looked round and said to us with immense pride "I taught him everything I know." and before I could help myself I said "F*cking good job he wasn't listening."
His father looked round and said to us with immense pride "I taught him everything I know." and before I could help myself I said "F*cking good job he wasn't listening."
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
I used to work with a bunch of guys who just loved to take the p1ss out of anyone and everything...
Came in one morning, having had a quite sharp haircut the day before..
A lot of mickey taking erupted...i tried to retort
'no-ones taken the p1ss like that since i was at school' (inferring they were a bunch of schoolchildren)
Quick as a flash, one of the guys replied...
'no-ones had a haircut like that since they were at school'
Came in one morning, having had a quite sharp haircut the day before..
A lot of mickey taking erupted...i tried to retort
'no-ones taken the p1ss like that since i was at school' (inferring they were a bunch of schoolchildren)
Quick as a flash, one of the guys replied...
'no-ones had a haircut like that since they were at school'
Hacienda71
Mancunian in self imposed exile in leafy Cheshire
- Location
- Wilmslow, Cheshire
My brother always fancied himself as a bit of an actor. At a House of Fraser blue cross sale a woman was trying to barge past him to get into one of the sale display boxes he turned on her and said in a very loud posh voice "Go away you grotty little woman
" Surprisingly without a word she did. At the time i was embarrassed, but looking back on it was funny. Worked pretty effectively as a put down.
" Surprisingly without a word she did. At the time i was embarrassed, but looking back on it was funny. Worked pretty effectively as a put down.
Kestevan
Last of the Summer Winos
- Location
- Holmfirth.
We were at Disnelyand Paris a couple of years ago, waiting for the closing fireworks. The eldest was on the pavement behind me next to her mother, and I was holding little monster, who was only 2. There was sod all room, people and kids everywhere.
Some hefty woman decided to march over everybody, standing on kids and elbowing people out of the way. She stepped on the eldest and pushed the missus, who not being the shy and retiring kind voiced her displeasure. The fat chav replied something about there not being any room and we should have moved. In a loud voice I said "Well if you were thinner you'd be able to fit through the gap you ignorant fat bitch".
I got a round of applause
Some hefty woman decided to march over everybody, standing on kids and elbowing people out of the way. She stepped on the eldest and pushed the missus, who not being the shy and retiring kind voiced her displeasure. The fat chav replied something about there not being any room and we should have moved. In a loud voice I said "Well if you were thinner you'd be able to fit through the gap you ignorant fat bitch".
I got a round of applause
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
Bear with me on this one. I used to take trips with train enthusiasts, most of the group were men. On one particular trip, one young, and may I add extremely ugly, thick bloke decided he would take the mickey out of me at every opportunity. Mostly I ignored him.
On the return journey, I joined the queue in the airport just behind him. Most people on these trips like to travel facing forward in the train, so in the queue for the plane I said to the person stood next to me, jokingly, make sure you get a seat that faces forwards. Matey, ugly and thick, retorted, "All the seats face forwards on a plane", to which I replied, "Well, you will still be looking backward.".
Far too subtle for ugly, thick bloke. But the rest of the group could barely stiffle their giggles. I am not sure which was funnier, him not noticing my subtlety or them trying not to laugh.
On the return journey, I joined the queue in the airport just behind him. Most people on these trips like to travel facing forward in the train, so in the queue for the plane I said to the person stood next to me, jokingly, make sure you get a seat that faces forwards. Matey, ugly and thick, retorted, "All the seats face forwards on a plane", to which I replied, "Well, you will still be looking backward.".
Far too subtle for ugly, thick bloke. But the rest of the group could barely stiffle their giggles. I am not sure which was funnier, him not noticing my subtlety or them trying not to laugh.
Mr Pig
New Member
- Location
- North Lanarkshire
Speicher said:
The second half of that sentence is superfluous. The first more revealing than you realise!
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
How do you know what I realise and what I do not realise?
Mr Pig
New Member
- Location
- North Lanarkshire
Speicher said:
How do you know what I realise about what you realise or do not realise?
swee'pea99
Squire
Posted this before...
Truman Capote in a restaurant with friends. Somewhat pissed woman from nearby table comes over gushing and asking for an autograph. He obliges. Woman's even more pissed hubby lurches over, furious, and lays out the todger on the table: "Ok bigshot, sign that." Capote pauses, looks up: "Well, I can't sign it, but I suppose I could initial it."
Truman Capote in a restaurant with friends. Somewhat pissed woman from nearby table comes over gushing and asking for an autograph. He obliges. Woman's even more pissed hubby lurches over, furious, and lays out the todger on the table: "Ok bigshot, sign that." Capote pauses, looks up: "Well, I can't sign it, but I suppose I could initial it."
