Christmas cake recipe

[Speicher]

Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1/2 lb butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp bicarb soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 1 bottle Brandy
* 2 cups of dried fruit



Sample the brandy to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the brandy again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Check the quality of the brandy again, Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.



As you are now on your knees, Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the brandy. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over again. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the brandy and wipe the worktop with the cat.


Edit: This was snaffled from a forum called Trimdon Times. The sort of place that Greedo might have got his jokes from. You have been warned.

 

[Renard]

The Keith Floyd method. Not sure if i'd like straining my nuts though.

 

[Arch]

Literally LOL!

It was "Mix on the turner" that set me off...

 

[MossCommuter]

Nine days to go....


...best put the sprouts on

 

[Renard]

Should literally lol now become llol?

 

[potsy]

Can we have a new recipe everyday til Christmas please?

 

[Speicher]

I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar but I got into an argument and lost. I was instructed to empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.

I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!

 

[Corvette chic]

I am sat here crying with laughter thank you