Complaint to Devon and Cornwall Police...

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by betty swollocks, 11 Jun 2008.

  1. betty swollocks

    betty swollocks large member

    .....ok, It may have done the rounds, but some may not have seen it:-

    This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry
    member of the public

    True email sent to the force.

    Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police
    station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
    e-mailing you instead.

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues
    in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I
    think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys
    Road in Bodmin.

    Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
    football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

    This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire

    This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system
    works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
    bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
    dumped beside the wheelie bins.

    One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a
    beaver on speed.

    I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
    attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the
    two bins.

    If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I
    would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

    Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
    and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
    assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why
    not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
    there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before
    doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

    This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
    actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
    throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
    start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain sir, your obedient servant
    Mr ??????,
    I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
    caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in
    trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
    offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
    (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
    PC ?
    Community Beat Officer
    Dear PC ?
    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
    original e-mail.
    16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station,
    and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for
    inclusion in his next book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat
    May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
    In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen
    Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
    gang itself?
    Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one
    with a chin like a wash hand basin?
    It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
    Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care
    and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words
    of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want
    to play their strange football game elsewhere.

    The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
    spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
    contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll
    buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.
    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't
    work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
  2. girofan

    girofan New Member

    Absolute classic!
    How this must resonate amongst the law-abiding majority and so funny. Perhaps we should all follow this man's actions?
  3. Keith Oates

    Keith Oates Janner

    Penarth, Wales
    I think it's fair to assume that he somewhat disappointed by the reponse he got from the Police!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  4. Chuffy

    Chuffy Veteran

    Ah yes, how to win friends and influence people. :biggrin:
    Reminding the police that being young and bored should be a criminal offence is always a good tactic to follow, as is withering sarcasm at the failure of the police to a) knock on your door and report for duty and :angry: arrest anyone who is currently annoying you. Oh and it's always nice to come across someone who takes the term 'public servant' to mean 'someone who comes running when you snap your fingers and obeys any petty order that you give them'.
  5. Chuffy

    Chuffy Veteran

    I wish they'd given him the reply that they really wanted to write...:biggrin:
  6. simonali

    simonali Guru

    Why not just open the gate? Won't clang then!
  7. There was something on the BBC website yesterday
    (I'm too lazy to go and look for it and provide a link :biggrin:)
    saying that basically ASBOs didn't actually work, didn't actually cut-down on anti-social behaviour.

    Instead, their main effect was to have generated a culture where people thought that being a teenager and hanging-around was a crime.
  8. Mr Pig

    Mr Pig New Member

    North Lanarkshire
    I've read that before, it is brilliant! :0)

    Worst thing you can do is noise kids up though. Once they know you're moaning about them they'll start playing a new game called 'making your life total hell'!
  9. Mr Pig

    Mr Pig New Member

    North Lanarkshire
    Maybe they could get ASDA's instead? They need to slowly walk around the store all day looking for the cheapest items until they loose the will to live and kill themselves by diving into a chest freezer!
  10. Cycling Naturalist

    Cycling Naturalist Legendary Member

    Please do not assume that the contents are Stella. :biggrin:
  11. Probably taste the same, probably same alcoholic content, perhaps just less 'reassuringly expensive' ?
  12. Yellow Fang

    Yellow Fang Guru

    LOL - sounds like Ed Reardon's Week off R4.
  13. Half full? Now that really is a sin. Why not drink the other half?
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