Critique My Speech

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gb155

Fan Boy No More.
Location
Manchester-Ish
Most of you know my story, here is the Speech I have wrote for my motivational speaking gig this weekend, I'd love to hear your HONEST thoughts.

critique me baby !

Inspire & empower​
A little over 2 years ago I was looking to be inspired myself, for I have walked in your shoes, today I stand here, 14 stone and over 6 foot, I have a normal BMI and am void of any sort of medical ailments​
However, my story was VERY VERY different, for a little over 2 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to stand here talking to you, I was 39 stone and 13 pounds, standing was hard work, walking near impossible, anything else was a pipe dream, but I dared to dream, having Type 2 diabetes, sleep apnia and super high blood pressure.​
It was one evening, I was at Manchester Royal for a heart scan, all I had to do was lay there , for 30 mins and do nothing, but the weight of my huge mass was crushing my insides, I was sweating and unable to breath, yet all I was doing was laying there, for me , that was the moment I knew I MUST change.​
I set about eating less and lost 6 stone, it was when I was at 34 stone, I was still a walking heath disaster zone. that I knew I had to step up.​
I looked to be inspired and empowered, I watched the America version of The Biggest Loser, seeing people at 380 pounds, RUNNING!, it was a revelation to me, I knew I could do this, I was inspired by 7 times Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, Lance had cancer was given a 30% chance of survival and yet not only did he survive, he went on to be the single most successful cyclist EVER, together Lance and The Biggest Loser would define and shape my future.​
I got a bike my first journey was half a mile out and half a mile back, just 1 mile, yet it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life ! I was slow, wobbly (both me and the bike) sweaty and it was humiliating but you know, I was doing it, I got up the next day and I wanted to do it again, so I did and for that week I rode a total of 5 miles. Those 5 miles defined who I am today, it was painful, humiliating, but I loved it, every second of it.​
A little over a year later, after losing 15 stone, I decided to do the Manchester to Blackpool charity ride, I was 25 stone at the time, I was stood on the start line, all around me were skinny cyclists and I do mean SKINNY, I got quite emotional , I had done so much to just get to the start line, yet I still weighed more than 99% of the other riders.​
I started to enjoy it it, here was a man, 25 stone, passing other people on his first ever 100km ride. Doing something your not even supposed to do.​
So, there was I , passing people slimmer and fitter than I was, having the time of my life, thinking why the hell didn’t I get off the couch sooner, this is a whole new world, That’s why I did it, but also to get that guy off the couch , who’s wondering, what the hell am I doing here​
With about 15 miles left, I had nothing left. I couldn’t turn the peddles , I couldn’t sit down,​
I was done, I thought "that’s it , my ride, my dream of finishing is over" but at that moment, I remembered back to where I was, 40 stone, sat on the couch, watching Biggest Loser , junk food all around me thinking to myself, I want to be like them.​
I’m not alone there, I think they are many people out that about all the things they want to be doing, but they don’t get off the couch and go.​
So there I am, speed dropping, not able to stand up, not able to sit down, not able to stop, not able to push on ………..People, crowds of them, streaming passed me and I could hear them say "WOW …this guy is done, he’s not gonna make it, he will NOT get to the finish line"​
I’m not here to impress anyone, I can only do what I can do, one thing I will say is that I wont quit, I dont know what that word means​
about 90 Km into the ride I managed to find something, from somewhere, I dont know what went on but I felt great, I felt like I had only just started the ride, I took off and was "flying"…I was gonna do it, I was going to make the finish line at this rate, No problems …… ….then …………..BOOM……….my body shut down again after a few more km’s.​
I went back to the helpless feelings of "I can’t do this" and my speed dropped to an almost "walking pace"​
The next few KM’s are a blur..pain……suffering…..thoughts of despair …wanting to die , feeling like I was going to….…But then……… I came around a corner and I saw "The Big One" roller-coaster, I knew I was in Blackpool now, the tears streamed down my face, I couldn’t look at Paul, I didn’t want him to know I was crying like a baby, we had 3 km’s to go, I was saying to myself "You can finish, you can do this, you can finish this"​
As we turned into The Prom from Starr Gate, I could hear the people cheering, I could see the finish line in the distance, I turned to Paul and said "sorry" I looked down held my breath and took off, I dont know what happened, but I was sprinting at well over 30 Mph , Paul did try and keep up but I wasnt slowing for anything, I was riding as fast I could, faster than I ever had in my whole life and yet, i’d just done 99.5 km’s, much much more than I have ever done before.​
I crossed the finish line and I never quit……No matter how much pain, humiliation or suffering, I never quit…….​
I look back over at that ride today and you know what, THAT ride changed me, It made me realise that, its not about how much you weigh, it’s not about what you’ve done in your past, it’s about what your DOING. Our body’s, they are amazing, I shouldn’t have been able to do what I did that day, I didn’t train anywhere near enough, my nutrition was poor and I was obese…. But my body, it just kept going.​
There is something about pushing yourself beyond your limits that people need to do once in their life , you need to take the chance , ONE TIME, to see what you really can do……….. but once you have done it, you will NEVER bee the same again………..​

Today I now cycle between 20 and 40 miles per day, I have no health issues, my diabetes was weight related, I no longer have an issue, my high blood pressure resulted in a resting heart rate of over 130 beats per min, today its under 40 BPM​
Being inspired and empowered saved my life, today I am here to help inspire and empower each and every single one of you…​

Thank You!
 

LosingFocus

Lost it, got it again.
1. "A little over 2 years ago" used twice in quick succession at the start, change one of them.

2. Who's Paul? he suddenly pops up without you saying who he is.

3. "Lance and The Biggest Loser would define and shape my future." "Those 5 miles defined who I am today" <-- change one of these "define" for another word to avoid unwanted repetition; or say "Those 5 miles also defined who I am today", so you continue the narrative

Good stuff though, can see it being an inspiring speach.
 

Archie_tect

De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
Location
Northumberland
If that doesn't get people motivated and inspired to tackle things they know inside they should do, then more fool them gb! Best of luck... don't forget to enjoy it!
 
A little over 2 years ago I was looking to be inspired myself, for I have walked in your shoes, today I stand here, 14 stone and over 6 foot, I have a normal BMI and am void of any sort of medical ailments

However, my story was VERY VERY different.

A little over 2 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to stand here talking to you. I had Type 2 diabetes, sleep apnia and super high blood pressure. I was 39 stone and 13 pounds. Just standing up was hard work, walking was near impossible. Anything else was a pipe dream, but I dared to dream,.

It was one evening, I was at Manchester Royal for a heart scan, all I had to do was lie there, for 30 mins and do nothing, but the weight of my huge mass was crushing my insides, I was sweating and unable to breath, yet all I was doing was laying there, for me , that was the moment I knew I MUST change.

I set about eating less and lost 6 stone, it was when I was at 34 stone, when I was still a walking heath disaster zone that I knew I had to step up.

I looked to be inspired and empowered, I watched the America version of The Biggest Loser, seeing people at 380 pounds, RUNNING!, it was a revelation to me, I knew I could do this, I was inspired by 7 times Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong, Lance had cancer was given a 30% chance of survival and yet not only did he survive, he went on to be the single most successful cyclist EVER, together Lance and The Biggest Loser would define and shape my future.

39 Stones?… 380 pounds? Better to use one measure throughout.

I got a bike my first journey was half a mile out and half a mile back, just 1 mile, yet it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! I was slow, wobbly (both me and the bike) sweaty and it was humiliating but you know, I was doing it, I got up the next day and I wanted to do it again, so I did and for that week I rode a total of 5 miles. Those 5 miles defined who I am today, it was painful, humiliating, but I loved it. Every second of it.

A little over a year later, after losing 15 stone, I decided to do the Manchester to Blackpool charity ride, I was 25 stone at the time, I was standing on the start line, all around me were skinny cyclists and I do mean SKINNY, I got quite emotional , I had done so much to just get to the start line, yet I still weighed more than 99% of the other riders. If you were the heaviest person there just say that.

I started to enjoy it, here was a man, 25 stone, passing other people on his first ever 100km ride. Doing something you’re not even supposed to do.
So, there was I, passing people slimmer and fitter than I was, having the time of my life, thinking why the hell didn’t I get off the couch sooner, this is a whole new world, That’s why I did it, but also to get that guy off the couch , who’s wondering, what the hell am I doing here




Runners talk of the ‘wall’. For cyclists it’s called the ‘bonk’. But it’s the same thing, it’s the moment when your tank runs dry. With about 15 miles left, I had nothing left. I couldn’t turn the peddles , I couldn’t sit down,


I was done, I thought "that’s it , my ride, my dream of finishing is over" but at that moment, I remembered back to where I was, 40 stone, sat on the couch, watching Biggest Loser , junk food all around me thinking to myself, I want to be like them.

I’m not alone there, I think they are many people out that about all the things they want to be doing, but they don’t get off the couch and go.

So there I am, speed dropping, not able to stand up, not able to sit down, not able to stop, not able to push on ………..People, crowds of them, streaming passed me and I could hear them say "WOW …this guy is done, he’s not gonna make it, he will NOT get to the finish line"

I’m not here to impress anyone, I can only do what I can do, one thing I will say is that I won’t quit, I don’t know what that word means

About 90 Km into the ride I managed to find something, from somewhere, I don’t know what went on but I felt great, I felt like I had only just started the ride, I took off and was "flying"…I was gonna do it, I was going to make the finish line at this rate, No problems …… ….then …………..BOOM……….my body shut down again after a few more km’s.

I went back to the helpless feelings of "I can’t do this" and my speed dropped to an almost "walking pace"

The next few KM’s are a blur.. pain……suffering…..thoughts of despair … wanting to die , feeling like I was going to….…But then……… I came around a corner and I saw "The Big One" roller-coaster, I knew I was in Blackpool now, the tears streamed down my face, I couldn’t look at Paul, I didn’t want him to know I was crying like a baby, we had 3 km’s to go, I was saying to myself "You can finish, you can do this, you can finish this" Who is Paul?

As we turned into The Prom, I could hear the people cheering, I could see the finish line in the distance, I turned to Paul and said "sorry" I looked down held my breath and took off, I don’t know what happened, but I was sprinting at well over 30 Mph , Paul did try and keep up but I wasn’t slowing for anything, I was riding as fast I could, faster than I ever had in my whole life - and yet i’d just done 99.5 km’s, much much more than I had ever done before.

Mention being told to slow down at this point?

I crossed the finish line and I never quit…… No matter how much pain, humiliation or suffering, I never quit…….

I look back over at that ride today and you know what, THAT ride changed me, It made me realise that, it’s not about how much you weigh, it’s not about what you’ve done in your past, it’s about what you’re DOING. Our bodies, they are amazing, I shouldn’t have been able to do what I did that day, I didn’t train anywhere near enough, my nutrition was poor and I was obese…. But my body, it just kept going.

There is something about pushing yourself beyond your limits that people need to do once in their life , you need to take the chance , ONE TIME, to see what you really can do……….. but once you have done it, you will NEVER be the same again………..



Today I now cycle between 20 and 40 miles per day, I have no health issues, my diabetes was weight related, I no longer have an issue, my high blood pressure resulted in a resting heart rate of over 130 beats per min, today its under 40 BPM

Being inspired and empowered saved my life, today I am here to help inspire and empower each and every single one of you…

Thank You!
 

swee'pea99

Squire
Two thoughts:

First, more full stops. Break the whole thing down into smaller, simpler units. Look at what Mickle's done to your third para, and do it throughout. Start out by replacing every comma with a full stop, then have another run through, changing back those that need it.

Second, a true story, which I recently put on my blog:

Talking with a friend over lunch today about the value of brevity in communication and he described going to the Union quite soon after his arrival in Cambridge, to see a debate featuring, among others, Lord Lever and Norman Lamont. Lever proved a very nervous public speaker, gabbling his words while his notes shook visibly in his hands. After a few minutes, Lamont quietly handed him a piece of paper. From his vantage point in the balcony directly overhead, my friend saw that it bore three words, in clear block capitals:

SLOW DOWN

LOUDER





Good luck!
 
What are you going to give them to take away with them, rather than just the story of what has happened to you. What is your message? It's not coming across at the beginning of the speech, whereas it does at the end.
If you're there to inspire and empower every single one of them, how are you going to do it? YOu need to say that at the start. What is your core message: is it not quitting; is it about getting yourself out of the door in the first place; is it saying 'balls to what everyone else things, including the doctors' Again, say it at the start, then tell your story. Then reemphasise your message at the end. How can the audience take what has happened to you and apply it to them. You need to give it to them in a neat package.

Tell them what you're going to tell them
Tell them
Tell them you've told them.


Also avoid jargon. Will they know what a 'normal BMI' is? Will they understand what a BMI is?
Are you going to have slides? eg before and after pictures? Are you going to publicise your blog so they can find out more about you and what you've been through? etc etc
 

Cheddar George

oober member
Personally i dislike inflated phrases such as " I won't quit, i don't know what that word means !" ..... but thats just me. Its your story tell it your own way, its an inspiration however you tell it. I think the content of the speech will make a big enough impression on people, so don't worry too much about the finer points of how it's written.

The best of luck to you :biggrin:
 

montage

God Almighty
Location
Bethlehem
I'm assuming this is for obesity?

I think it's good (I'll let the bit about lance slide :tongue:) , but if I were to wear my critic hat, I'd have less "I did this" and more "you can do this". You've made yourself appear to be an extremely strongly motivated person, which to people struggling, alienates you slightly. You've told them how being inspired can help, what about suggesting how easy it really is to get going, and that the hardest part is that very first bike ride. Let them know they can do what you did - and more. Adopt a really humble approach.

Perhaps throw in something at the end saying "now I've given you a hint of what can be done with a small dosage of hard effort. Nothing motivates me more than seeing others taking those first few initial steps and joining me in this fight - now it is your turn to inspire me, show me what you can do"


I'm no expert, just a few ideas off the top of my head
 
Those are good points montage. You don't want to alienate them or make them feel inadequate (this is britain after all, a nation of self depracators) - give them tasks to do or suggestions.
 

Arch

Married to Night Train
Location
Salford, UK
I would add in a little about how you got from 5 miles a week to entering a 100k ride. At the moment, it's just *a year passes*, and it's a hell of a mental leap. I'm assuming you increased your mileage gradually, so tell them that, and how you decided how much you could do each week. And then, as Montage says, stress that anyone can do it. After that first big 'just do it' decision, it's the careful level of increase that makes it possible for anyone to improve.

Also, you talk in miles to start with, and then the big ride is in km. Perhaps make it clear what 100 km is in miles, so that people can compare.
 
OP
OP
gb155

gb155

Fan Boy No More.
Location
Manchester-Ish
Thanks all

I have 10 Mins - Ish to fill

Will rework it with your suggestions today, if User76 is right then I' happy as there is so much more I wanna say but was worried for time, so will time myself today too.

I really wanna get this right as its something I have dreamed of doing, its going to be getting filmed too and some NHS brass will be attending as I understand, so its my chance to shine at something I really wanna do.

Gaz
 

Spinney

Bimbleur extraordinaire
Location
Back up north
I really wanna get this right as its something I have dreamed of doing, its going to be getting filmed too and some NHS brass will be attending as I understand, so its my chance to shine at something I really wanna do.

In that case, see if you can deliver it in front of a friend or two (unless you are already used to speaking in front of an audience). Just to try to reduce possible nerves when it comes to the real thing. Good luck! :hello:
 

PpPete

Legendary Member
Location
Chandler's Ford
Speaking in front of an audience is very different from the written word. As has been mentioned above, break it down into the shortest possible sentences..... and if there are commas left in the final version, when you are speaking, give them a pause like you would a full stop. Give full stops a pause like it was it the end of a chapter.

That will sound artificial if you do it in front of the mirror.... but it will slow it all down to a pace at which the audience will be able to take in the impact of each phrase before you go on to the next.
 

Arch

Married to Night Train
Location
Salford, UK
Also, if you're having it printed to read from, have it printed nice and big (12 point minimum) in a clear font like Arial, with one and a half, or double line spacing. And don't necessarily try to learn it by heart, but know it as well as possible. This gives you a better chance of looking up at the audience most of the time and then re-finding your place on the page with a quick glance down.

Apologies if you know this, I don't know how much speaking/presenting you've done before?
 
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