Fess up!!!!

[Glow worm]

Blimey where do I start.

Maybe Christmas 1997, deciding that to cycle 25 miles home after the office Christmas party, (and at least 5 pints of Stella), would be a 'fuggin great' idea 'I dun't need a friggin lift off of no one... hic'. One broken collar bone later after crashing into a hedge whilst flying downhill, and being knocked out for at least an hour, I may have changed my mind.

December 1993, note to self: when a member of North Wales Police says' Please pour that away sir' referring to a can of Guiness I was balancing on my handlebars whilst weaving my merry way home from Bangor to Tal-y-Bont at 3 am after a party, he means pour it down the drain not down your throat! I think it was about 4 hours later when they released me from the cell down Bangor nick - happy days,....

 

[dav1d]

I once left my bike at the top of the path of the house we had in Orkney. I was 14 or 15 at the time I (nobody stole anything there). But a neighbour who I had a crush on (I say neighbour, but the neighbours houses were probably quarter of a mile away or so!) borowed it without asking (there goes that stealing bit), but she did return it, albeit at the bottom of the path. My Dad drove over it in his big caravanet.

So I asked my brother if I could borrow his bike. He said no. So when he wasn't looking, I borrowed it anyway!
But he saw me pushing it down the path (it was a long hill), so grabbed some coal out of one of the bags (this was the 1990's, but most people had coal fires on the island), and started throwing it at me, so as I was getting on the bike (whilst I was pushing it fast downhill), I looked up at him to make sure none of that coal hit me, and put my foot in the spokes of the front wheel instead of the pedal with the result that I ended up going over the handlebars and broke my arm.

I loved riding my bike, so at the hospital on the mainland, I stupidly asked if I could still ride a bike with my arm broken and in plaster. I was told no, and that I wouldn't be able to anyway.

This was proven to be wrong the next day when my brother, feeling guilty, let me ride his bike. I rode it again almost everyday (with his permission this time). I thought I would need the plaster on longer because of all the riding I did, but it actually came off early!

Another silly thing: tonight I decided to sew a bike light fitting onto my backpack as the Pound Shop had "material" (a Bag For Life) in the exact same colour. Then realised I'd sewn it onto the wrong side of the bag!

 

[ComedyPilot]

I borrowed my younger brother's BMX to go to the pub, (1984) and when riding home pissed the fuggin thing snapped in two!!

 

[CopperBrompton]

Riding a motorcycle on the Holloway Road some years ago. A car pulls out in front of me from a side turning, and I had to do a full-on emergency stop to avoid a collision. The car didn't stop.

I rode after it, it stopped at a red light, I parked my bike in front of it, went to the driver's door and gestured for him to lower the window. He did so and I expressed my views on his driving in some detail and at some length. He politely waited for me to finish and then replied: "Perhaps you'd like to direct your remarks to the driver?". I looked. It was a left-hand drive car and I'd been ranting at the passenger.

 

[Bollo]

Not too long ago I berated a motorist for what turned out to be an itchy ear.

 

[swee'pea99]

Following a puncture this morning, pushing my bike towards work, I was convinced that traffic-light little man was green, so set off - straight into the path of a left-turning cyclist. I was too shocked to shout...fortunately, because when I looked again the light was clearly red. I still have no idea how I could have got something so simple so totally wrong. I managed a wobbly 'sorry' after the cyclist, but I'm not sure if he heard me...

 

[XmisterIS]

When I was a teenager I got so drunk and stoned that I could hardly stand up. My bike was my only means of transport as I was too young to drive; I had to get two of my stoned mates to hold the bike while I got onto it, then give me a "flying start" ... it was a straight, dual carriage all the way back home and I knew I couldn't stop or turn, or else I would fall over! Cue riding through red lights, nearly being hit by various lorries, cars, etc ...

 

[Paul Narramore]

Sorry but what do WVM, PEDs and FESS UP mean?

GCE 'O' level English Language 1960 something.

 

[gavintc]

Once upon a time a long, long, loooooooooooooooooong time ago, I was a young squaddie in Germany. I was going out with a German girl and it was a mate's 21st birthday. She failed to turn up as arranged at a bar, so I got plastered. About midnight (and much the worse for drink) I stumbled off towards the flat we shared. En route I spotted our very attractive ....... ahem......female neighbour.

At this point I would very much like to stress I was young, drunk, pissed off with GF and VERY earger for some companionship. She invited me in for a drink, so I said I would be round in a bit. I went into the flat and GF was asleep. She woke up and asked me what I was doing rummaging around the flat. I was trying to find my stash of .....ahem......protection. I then told her I was sleeping on the sofa and went into the living room. She turned the bedroom light off.

That was my signal to go into 'Milk tray Man' mode.

I was out of the flat like a shot and onto our balcony (5th floor) I then climbed onto the outside of the balcony and made my way to our neighbours balcony. How I never fell is a mystery, but I didn't. I then quietly tapped on the balcony door and was let in by the neighbour.

I won't go into details, but things progressed quickly and before long our youthful lithe torsos were locked in a passionate embrace (I read too much Mills & Boon). Part way through the act I heard a noise from next door - my flat. The GF was up and shouting for me!! It was at this point I realised that when I left the flat I locked the front door from the inside - and left my keys IN THE DOOR. There was nowhere else for me to be than in the flat, but I wasn't there.

We crept naked to the balcony door, and heard my GF checking the balcony. I am ashamed to say we carried on regardless, there stood up behind the net curtains, not 5 feet from my GF.

In for the penny, in for the pound, we carried on for the rest of the wee small hours, before I dragged my sorry carcass back to the flat about 6 in the morning. I finally woke up to a blazing row around midday, and was a 'singly' in camp with all my possessions about 4 hours later.

Great story - gave me quite a laugh this morning. My colleagues were asking what was so funny.

 

[Paul Narramore]

I vainly hope people will speak ENGLISH to me, Failed again.

 

[ChrisKH]

Somewhere on here there is a thread which details all the little phrases and short cuts we use. I just tried to find but I can't.

You'll soon pick it up.

Anyway it's not the language thats the problem on here, it's the complete bloody nonsense the other posters post

Says he.

 

[dellzeqq]

I've been reading through this thread, and two things have struck me

- I've actually lead a very virtuous (or, if you prefer, boring) life
- I tend to get away with it when I misbehave - if I've ever come to grief then it's because others have misbehaved.

The exception I can think of, and even that doesn't involve big-time misbehaviour, is racing away from a (note) green traffic light with the intention of leaving some twenty-something Australian behind, and coming to grief on a wet manhole cover - cracked pelvis. But, by and large, my life has been a bed of roses, uncomplicated by terrible sins.

 

[Archie_tect]

But, by and large, my life has been a bed of roses, uncomplicated by terrible sins.

...not Catholic then!

 

[jonny jeez]

"Perhaps you'd like to direct your remarks to the driver?". I looked. It was a left-hand drive car and I'd been ranting at the passenger.

Smashing!!!!

 

[palinurus]

Pulling out, making a right turn from a minor road, in front of a car that I somehow failed to see (good visibility and sight lines)

Making a left turn at a t-junction immediately behind a Range Rover and somehow failing to register it was pulling a trailer.

Filtering on the right in a long queue of traffic and hitting a ped who was crossing (in an entirely predictable place).