I remember listening to John Peel's show the night this was broadcast and being in fits of laughter by the end of the first verse. Bizarrely, that was the one and only time it has ever been recorded - it doesn't appear on any album or single - which is a shame because it's a great song...
Half Man Half Biscuit - Mars Ultras You'll Never Make The Station
View: https://youtu.be/GKB7kHegrTM
(Sorry, John, I have to admit to quite liking the Tourists.)