Giving Bad News

[Monst]

brave people - all of you, I salute you.

 

[Pete]

When the need for 'courage' in such matters arises, it will come. I have less experience than some of those who have posted above, certainly less harrowing. For me, one issue is that I am rather telephone-shy at the best of times. Some years ago, it fell to either my wife, or myself, to inform my brother-in-law, who lives in the USA, that his father had died suddenly. I took it upon myself. The first check for me was when someone I didn't know, answered the phone. I had to explain to him who I was and ask for my brother-in-law, and when he came to the phone, to account for how it came about that I, who had never actually telephoned him before, was calling at that hour. As it happened it took me only two or three sentences to get to the point. No way do I count myself skilful in such matters. But I sensed that my brother-in-law, albeit in shock, was content with the way I had passed on the news, so perhaps I did all right.

 

[Pete]

It fell to me to tell her her husband had gassed himself...etc.

In such a harrowing case, I'd certainly be at a total loss. Presumably it would be most humane to spread out the news: just mention the bare fact of the death first, then perhaps to say it was an 'accident' - then when the relative is seemingly looking for 'closure' of the detail, to refer to suicide, and eventually to describe the bizarre circumstances. But not all at once, presumably! Is this right? I suppose I have to say, I hope I never have to put it to the test.

 

[papercorn2000]

Had to do it once or twice. Not nice telling parents that their son or daughter has been killed in an RTA.

As soon as they answer the door, some people know. In other cases, it's disbelief, anger (occasionally directed at yourself because you don't know absolutely everything), shock, every negative emotion that you can think of. Not a pleasant job. You can't dance about (Your son is on the roof and won't come down) you have to tell them direct, be as sympathetic as you can, call anyone they want you to call and then get out of their way.

 

[Fnaar]

I remember getting hauled over the coals as a student nurse back in the 1980s ... we were moving all the patients to another ward while ours was refurbished... low and behold amid all the mayhem, 2 folk had heart attacks...one guy, I found him, got involved in resuscitation etc, but he died...anyways, for about 10 mins I was on the ward on my own, while the sister etc were up in the new ward, and this bloke's son phoned, saying they'd had a message from the police to phone up... I took the decision to tell him (rather than bullshit him) that his dad had passed away... i was a bit young and naive I guess, thought I was doing the right thing... understandably the family complained about how they'd been told, I carried the can...one of the reasons I left in the end....

 

[Pete]

In the case I described earlier, I'm afraid I did not really hold back much info at all, to describe it as an accident, then have to change the story and let it drip drip out would, I felt, have been a disaster. No, I'm afraid I told her the lot, except the underwear By the cracky though, I earned my money that day.

All credit to you, I don't think anyone could have done better, and I've learnt something from your account. Don't quite understand that last sentence though!

I have had staff nurses tell me they have passed on the news, only to have the relatives turn up an hour later with some chocolates asking if Mildred is feeling better after her funny turn this afternoon!!!!!

Strangely enough, I have been in precisely the opposite situation, speaking as one of the bereaved. In the case of my father-in-law, referred to above, we first heard the news from another relative whom the hospital had phoned first. We, being nearest, took it upon ourselves to go to the hospital immediately to complete the paperwork and collect the deceased's effects. When we walked into the ward the first person we saw was the young male nurse who had been caring for my father-in-law during his apparent recovery from what had been thought to be a very minor heart attack, and had been very upbeat and encouraging towards us. This nurse caught sight of us, his face fell, he came over and immediately started up on his pitch - it was evident that he didn't know that we'd already been told, perhaps he thought we were just on a visit, and it was down to him to break the news to us. When I realised this, I had to butt in to explain the true state of affairs, at which point he visibly relaxed. It must have been tough for him even in his experienced position.

 

[got-to-get-fit]

I had to tell my mum that her husband (my stepfather) had died of a heart attack at work.

That was the hardest sentance i have ever had to say, the look on my mums face was awful it was as if i had just stabbed her in the heart. I still think about it from time to time and it really upsets me. Id give anything not to have been the one to tell her but i cant imagine who else i would have asked its probably the most loving thing you can do for a person. I know that sounds strange but death is strange and it brings out emotions that you never see in normal circumstances.

I can really empathise with the oringinal post ....good on you. you were brave and a true humanitarian.

 

[bof]

I had a very awkward situation once. Pre-mobile phones, a friend of mine who'd emigrated to the US called me at about 8am saying he'd just been told while he was at a business function his mother in the UK was dying . Could I try and contact his phoneless brother in the UK to get him to call? I worked out which was the local cop shop, phoned them and they said they would send someone very shortly.

So, I phone back to tell him this, only to get his wife -who I dont know - and it's midnight there and he is still on his way home. She starts asking me why I am calling - its clear she doesnt yet know - and at first I say some like, "x will be home in a minute and tell you" this only gets her worked up more, so I tell her. Not great. Later the friend reassured me that this was OK, but I found being the one to tell her hard at the time, though I still think it was the right thing.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

when i was 17, it was the school holidays and i phoned a mate up to see if he wanted to do anything that day. he totally floored me by telling me he couldn't, as his dad had just died. he said it as if it was any normal reason he couldn't come out, but i felt really bad that he had to go through telling me that so soon after the event.

we're still mates so i guess i'm forgiven

 

[Fnaar]

Reading all this sort of brings back other events too that I'd put away in the closet...
telling my uncles and aunties on the phone that my dad had died...
telling my granny my mum (her daughter) had died....
telling my schoolmates in 6th form 2 of our mates had died in a motorbike accident (happened late at night, my sister was casualty nurse when they were brought in, recognised the names, told me in the morning before I went to school, I passed on news to mates...sheesh!