How can I persuade people?

[Fab Foodie]

I did the screaming l;ike a 12 year old last Christmass with my Mother. It was the final straw moment. As a result my Sister stuck hert oar in and it's good riddance to her too.
For years we'd been the ones to dutifully visit, put up with lots of crap/bullshit and lip-biting on mine and Mrs FF's part. Last Christmass we could take no more and I gave it both barrels.
I'm not proud, it will be seen for all the wrong reasons too, but I'm glad it's done. I've had one brief phone Conversation with my Mother and one with my sister in the last 12 months. I'm not expecting any mopre. I feel so much better not having to deal with them, like a weight lifted from my shoulders.
We've not had anything in common for the past 20 years proably, they're not that interested in us, only each other and are no fun to spend time with. I just couldn't be bothered with the stress of pretending we're one big happy family any more especially since my Dad died a few years ago, he was the only one we kept going for really.

I just think there comes a time when you have to appraise your relatives.

 

[Noodley]

Does "don't mess with me" have a tone of voice as well as a facial expression?

Yes it does, but not as effective as the view of your back as you stroll off...whistling the theme from a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western...smoking a pipe...then doing a Dick Van Dyke skip as you round the corner.

 

[Speicher]

Yes, it appears that time has come. I am prepared to put up with some unrealistic behaviour from my mother as she is nearly 90 years old.

But my brothers and s-i-ls are taking the mickey (to put it politely) in a big way. I have tried responding diplomatically to their demands and expectations, but that has not worked.

I have been reassured on here, that perhaps I need to be more assertive. But if that fails, then to ignore comments and actions of people who cannot accept others' opinions. "Talking" about it on here this evening has helped to put it into perspective for a start. Thank you to everyone for their comments, and if you think of anything else, I would be pleased to hear it.

 

[Speicher]

Yes it does, but not as effective as the view of your back as you stroll off...whistling the theme from a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western...smoking a pipe...then doing a Dick Van Dyke skip as you round the corner.

I will bear that in mind, and practice in the mirror. Although I might need to change the tune to that of the "X Files".

But I don't smoke,

never mind, I could just go curly at the edges.

 

[mickle]

My family imploded following my mums death. It dawned on me that she was the only reason I had made an effort to maintain a relationship with my brother and it gave me an immense amount of pleasure to tell him where to go.

You choose your friends, unfortunately you don't get to choose your family.

 

[gavintc]

Ah relatives, at least since I got divorced I do not have to worry about the bloody in-laws. Mother - in - law was a complete dragon. She bullied her daughter and I enjoyed standing up to her, mocking her gently. My new Canadian wife comes with less baggage and perhaps because I only see them once every couple of years I get on much better with her family.

 

[wafflycat]

The old saying that you choose your friends but you can't choose your family is entirely true. I refer to my sisters, brother & some cousins/aunts from my mother's side of the family as 'The Borgias' Nasty lot. There's no rule carved in stone that says you have to get along with your blood relatives. My parents are now dead and I have no desire to be in contact with my sisters or my brother. On the other hand, one of my sisters has two daughters who are entirely lovely. They don't get along with their mother either... I learnt years ago that no matter what I did or didn't do, it was going to be wrong in the eyes of certain family members, so I let them get on with it and not bother me any more. The lack of contact is a joy.

 

[Mr Pig]

I don't think it's something to need to practice, if you don't mean it and feel it on the inside then what the point?

You just need to have more confidence in yourself. Everything else will fall into place after that.

 

[Chrisz]

Parents in particular will try to 'help' you with your life for years after you've flown the nest.

As an example, I was 18 years old, been a Royal Marine for over a year and completed my tour of Northern Ireland, I was young, fit and full of myself but when I went home on leave my Mum always wanted to check where I was going and insisted I 'be careful' - it always made me laugh - she didn't know the half of what I used to get up too

 

[Cranky]

The old saying that you choose your friends but you can't choose your family is entirely true. I refer to my sisters, brother & some cousins/aunts from my mother's side of the family as 'The Borgias' Nasty lot. There's no rule carved in stone that says you have to get along with your blood relatives. My parents are now dead and I have no desire to be in contact with my sisters or my brother. On the other hand, one of my sisters has two daughters who are entirely lovely. They don't get along with their mother either... I learnt years ago that no matter what I did or didn't do, it was going to be wrong in the eyes of certain family members, so I let them get on with it and not bother me any more. The lack of contact is a joy.

I have very similar experiences to wafflycat and mickle. It took some time after my parents' deaths to understand the lifetime of conditioning which made me think of certain relatives in a positive light when, in reality, we had nothing in common and were only thrown together because of family circumstances. There's a great feeling of release on seeing them for who they really are and letting them go.

 

[Twenty Inch]

Crikey, what a timely thread. I get on well with my mum, although we don't see enough of each other. My dad is a different story. Practising alcoholic, who has behaved appallingly to everyone around him over the last ten years, and is now very lonely and very needy.

He called recently and started to get angry with me that I wasn't in contact with him. Luckily I had anticipated this and had rehearsed what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I didn't lose my temper, didn't get angry, didn't take his nonsense to heart, just kept being reasonable and eventually ever-so-slightly got a quasi-apology from him. However he know thinks that this makes everything all right between us and is phoning regularly. He called three times on Saturday and started hassling my wife, who has never met him, about why I won't talk to him and why I "hate" him (actually, if he'd been listening, he'd have heard why).

So, to return to the OP, my approach is to decide in advance what you will say and how you will say it, and stick to that. Don't lose your temper, and behave properly.

 

[tyred]

I get along okay with my parents but I can't abide being in the same room as my older brother. He has done nothing but criticise me and put me down in every way possible for as long as I can remember to the extent that I suffered from a serious lack of self confidence for most of my life. I try to get along with him as it upsets my mother if I don't but I struggle to resist the urge to thump him. Even yet, he still can't drop it. He is a real work-a-holic and works all the hours God sends and in his eyes, if you can't make money from something, it's not worth doing. I prefer to have a life outside of work and he will never stop pointing out how useless and lazy I am and how hard he works compared to me. I generally ignore him now but would love to understand why he seems insistant in trying to bully me at every possible oppurtunity.

 

[dellzeqq]

1. Get over the right or wrong thing.
2. Your parents having expectations of you isn't your problem - it's theirs.
3. Be polite to your mum. She gave birth to you.
4. Do only what you think is right. If you feel that going round to their house to be talked at by parents that don't listen, then don't go.
5. The tricky bit is when they have a go (sometimes in a subtle way) at those you hold in great affection - your children, or your partner. Hold your breath, but make sure that the other person doesn't have to suffer it. We don't go to the big family get-togethers, because there's a bit of point scoring at the expense of my wife and step-daughter, and there's no reason why they should put up with it.

 

[Amanda P]

I think part of the problem is that parents expect blind, unquestioning loyalty, while acquaintances and colleagues don't.

You not sharing your parent's opinion on something is somehow seen as disloyalty or betrayal.

My mum and her dad didn't talk for years after he found out how she voted one time! Later, he came to grudgingly respect that she had made her own mind up rather than blindly following his opinion. He didn't mellow much with age, the old b******.

 

[yello]

Families are a cross we all have to bear!

I typed out my saga then decided not to post it. Bottom line is, I get on okay with mine (give or take) but I have lived the other side of the planet from them for 25+ years now so we have grown apart. I don't count myself as a member of that family any more; no malice, just time doing what it does. My family is my wife and the dogs now!