How to dispatch of halls cleaners

[montage]

Our cleaner in halls used to be chatty, and provide a good bit of banter, however, she has recently been possessed by some demon or another, I am sure of it. Her cleaning routine now comprises of her whining, accidently knocking her hoover into our doors before loudly apologising, knowing full well most of us are recovering from hangovers. The standard of cleaning can only be described as shoddy, coupled with the complaining, it's frankly not worth the hassel of having a cleaner. She has now taken to reporting us every time the kitchen is a mess, usually because we have had some party or another the night before, which we always clean up ourselves, just not before she reaches it.

So, my question, what is the quickest, most humane way to assassinate a cleaner. All suggestions will be taken into account.

 

[benborp]

Do you have someone to clean up afterwards?

 

[Fnaar]

Someone in halls has obviously p!ssed her off, and she's holding a temporary grudge about 'uppity' students. Get everyone in halls on board, and spend a Sunday afternoon making everything totally spick and span, buy her a box of chocs and tell her what a great job she does of the cleaning.

Or not. see how it goes.

 

[Arch]

If she's become less chatty and less thorough, it's possible she's been given some ultimatum about doing the job faster or something - undoubtedly for no more money. Or she's got a new boss who's a PITA, or something.

 

[vernon]

Cleaners tend to be employed by companies who are paid by the university to supply a cleaning service. Several things directly connected with her employment could have brought about her change in mood:

She might have had her hours cut.
She might have had her workload increased to cover the gaps caused by some of her colleagues being made redundant.
She might have been served a redundancy notice herself.

Equally, if I was a cleaner I'd be pretty miffed at having to deal with inconsiderate whinging students who seem incapable of tidying up after themselves to allow the cleaner to do the job that she's paid to do that is clean and not deal with the detritus of parties and social gatherings.

I always made sure that my room was cleanable by my cleaner by leaving it tidy before going into university. There was just the once when I was caught out and I'd slept in after a heavy night on the Guinness and my sink was full of peas, carrots and bitumen.

I insisted on clearing it before she made a start in the room.

 

[dellzeqq]

Monty, old boy. It's clear that your exceptional modesty has blinded you to the obvious. She's infatuated with you. That vacuum cleaner/door thing is no less obvious than a hen pheasant waving her tail feathers around.

You could, of course, ignore these advances, and retreat in to your shell. That would be both doubly foolish. Foolish in that this would only drive her to a pitch of distraction with possible Glenn Close stylee consequences, and foolish in that you would be spurning the chance to immerse yourself in the kind of animal love-making that women of a certain age both give and demand.

You must follow the course I set out below in every detail.

1. Grow a moustache. There's nothing that both re-assures and entices an older woman like a moustache. Google Clark Gable or Alan Whicker. If you are of insufficient years to grow a moustache then use your eyebrow liner.

2. Buy a shantung silk dressing gown, riding boots and a crop.

3. Buy a gramaphone and some jazz records.

4. When she bashes the door with her vacuum, simply say 'enter' in a commanding voice. When she sees you in your dressing gown and riding gear 'mother nature' will take care of the rest. The jazz records will add an air of sophistication to the ensuing events and stop you feeling like a used kleenex

Report back when your mission is complete.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

"Dispatch of"? "Comprised of"? "Hassel"? I suggest you spend more time learning stuff (or getting drunk) and less time worrying about the cleaning.
Since when have students been worried about cleanliness anyway? I know I wasn't.

 

[montage]

"Dispatch of"? "Comprised of"? "Hassel"? I suggest you spend more time learning stuff (or getting drunk) and less time worrying about the cleaning.
Since when have students been worried about cleanliness anyway? I know I wasn't.

I couldn't care less about cleanliness....It's the constant moaning and complaining that is grinding my gears

 

[montage]

Monty, old boy. It's clear that your exceptional modesty has blinded you to the obvious. She's infatuated with you. That vacuum cleaner/door thing is no less obvious than a hen pheasant waving her tail feathers around.

You could, of course, ignore these advances, and retreat in to your shell. That would be both doubly foolish. Foolish in that this would only drive her to a pitch of distraction with possible Glenn Close stylee consequences, and foolish in that you would be spurning the chance to immerse yourself in the kind of animal love-making that women of a certain age both give and demand.

You must follow the course I set out below in every detail.

1. Grow a moustache. There's nothing that both re-assures and entices an older woman like a moustache. Google Clark Gable or Alan Whicker. If you are of insufficient years to grow a moustache then use your eyebrow liner.

2. Buy a shantung silk dressing gown, riding boots and a crop.

3. Buy a gramaphone and some jazz records.

4. When she bashes the door with her vacuum, simply say 'enter' in a commanding voice. When she sees you in your dressing gown and riding gear 'mother nature' will take care of the rest. The jazz records will add an air of sophistication to the ensuing events and stop you feeling like a used kleenex

Report back when your mission is complete.

Being on a student budget, I will struggle to acquire some of these seductive goods. Are standard primark wellies a good enough substitute for riding boots, and a spare shimano 10 speed chain ok to use instead of the crop?

 

[Sambu]

do what people at my uni did and coax a family of swans into halls.

 

[dellzeqq]

Being on a student budget, I will struggle to acquire some of these seductive goods. Are standard primark wellies a good enough substitute for riding boots, and a spare shimano 10 speed chain ok to use instead of the crop?

ffs Monty, go second hand! A good pair of well-worn boots won't set you back more than a fiver at Oxfam. Then it's spit and polish!

 

[david1701]

do what people at my uni did and coax a family of swans into halls.

WIN

I'm pretty sure I had white supremacists in my halls, 700 rooms and ONE black guy

 

[vernon]

I was the black guy in a white supremacist hall of residence. Almost all were ex public school, most were town/city/county level sportsmen and nearly all were a pain in the butt. Still, £20 per week for full board and lodgings was not to be sneezed at.

 

[vernon]

Just don't get caught naked with your bike by the cleaner unless you want to end up on the sex offender's register.

 

[ColinJ]

My sister did a university cleaning job until she retired. She used to quite enjoy it but then her employers started using a device which measured exactly how clean the cleaners were actually getting the rooms. I kid you not - it measured residual dust particles per cubic centimetre (or perhaps it was per square centimetre).

The job went from a friendly one where the cleaners did the best they could in the time available (and the supervisors understood that) to one where random dust-checks were stressing everyone out. Suddenly, doing your best wasn't good enough - they wanted perfection, at £1.50 an hour over minimum wage.

"Right, that's the 2nd reading over 6.75 we've measured in one of your rooms this month - next time it's a written warning!"

It wasn't physically possible to get every part of every room spotless every time when they only had a few minutes to spend on each room, including time spent hauling heavy equipment up and down stairs.

I wouldn't want to work under those conditions and I'd be pretty ratty if I had to!