'I love you........SMACK'

[ComedyPilot]

Nothing sends a clearer (do it again) message to a perpetrator of domestic violence than allowing him back in your home after he was dragged out kicking and screaming in handcuffs by 6 police officers.

Hitting you was bad enough, but allowing him back in after he beat up your eldest child (13) when they tried to defend you....?

Suffice to say Miss CP will not be playing at your house with him in the house, and I don't give a flying **** if you like it or not, but I WON'T put my child in danger.

 

[Ganymede]

Nothing sends a clearer (do it again) message to a perpetrator of domestic violence than allowing him back in your home after he was dragged out kicking and screaming in handcuffs by 6 police officers.

Hitting you was bad enough, but allowing him back in after he beat up your eldest child (13) when they tried to defend you....?

Suffice to say Miss CP will not be playing at your house with him in the house, and I don't give a flying **** if you like it or not, but I WON'T put my child in danger.

Hi ComedyPilot

I'm sure you're right not to let Miss CP into that house - maybe keep asking Miss Daughterofbeatenwoman over to yours though, if you judge it possible.

I have done a lot of funding work with a major DV charity and the most difficult thing for an outsider to understand is "why doesn't she leave?" or "why did she take him back?". Mrs Beatenwoman is almost certainly under an extreme amount of emotional pressure, threats of further violence and has probably had her sense of self, her judgement and possibly her money and connections with the outside world eroded or stripped from her. "If you don't let me back, I will take the children/kill the children/have the children taken into care because you are an unfit mother" are all possible scenarios. She can be seen to be making the wrong choice but it is nowhere near as simple as that - and it's his fault more than hers.

Try these very useful pages of info for an insight into this very troubled household. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1277, http://refuge.org.uk/about-domestic-violence/ - and I hope your daughter can maintain her friendship with the children.

 

[vernon]

 

[ComedyPilot]

Agree with the little girl coming here, but no ******* way is my daughter going anywhere near that thug.

 

[Ganymede]

Why doesn't she leave?

Whilst the risk of staying may be very high, simply leaving the relationship does not guarantee that the violence will stop. In fact, the period during which a woman is planning or making her exit, is often the most dangerous time for her and her children.

Many women are frightened of the abuser, and with good reason. It's common for perpetrators to threaten to harm or even kill their partners or children if she leaves.

Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:

• She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
• She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
• She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
• She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
• She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
• She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
• She may not know where to go.
• She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
• She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

From the Women's Aid website.
I'm really sorry to hear you've had this trouble, ComedyPilot. Your daughter is lucky to have a good dad.

 

[surfdude]

dv is such an alien idea to me . i have no idea why you would want to hit the person you care about and love so much . i am very proud to say the idea of hitting to other half has never occurred to me and never will . i do feel sorry for these poor women who are in these horrible situations

 

[craigwend]

http://www2.eastriding.gov.uk/living/crime-and-community-safety/domestic-violence/

 

[ComedyPilot]

The woman is the tenant of the house - he is the 'new boyfriend' - so she has some where to go - he is the one out on his ear....or was till he got back in....

 

[Pro Tour Punditry]

The woman is the tenant of the house - he is the 'new boyfriend' - so she has some where to go - he is the one out on his ear....or was till he got back in....

If only it was as simple as "tenancy" and "having somewhere to go". @Ganymede has offered some very good insight, and it is important that the woman and child are not further victimised due to other people's reactions to them. A very sensitive matter.

 

[Ganymede]

The woman is the tenant of the house - he is the 'new boyfriend' - so she has some where to go - he is the one out on his ear....or was till he got back in....

I wondered if that might be the case - as you see a lot of the advice I pointed to assumes the woman has to leave. I bet she's experienced it before from other men (maybe even her father/father figure) which is another reason women don't handle these things in the "obvious" way. Well I hope she finds a way to rid herself of this excuse-for-a-man.

 

[Pro Tour Punditry]

It's also quite important to not make it out that the perpetrator is always seen as "an excuse-for-a-man"...

 

[Ganymede]

I think you're saying it's sometimes a woman..? Soz Marmion your syntax is slightly baffling me but I know this point is often raised. I'm addressing the situation raised by CP obvs. Or are you saying some people would look up to the guy? Soz am just not sure.

I would also add that most men are wonderful, most fathers range from adequate to fabulous, most husbands the same!

 

[PaulB]

I opened this thinking it was about a descent into drug hell.

 

[Saluki]

I too would allow the friend to come to yours but not daughter to theirs. (which was why I pressed like, not because the lady had taken her BF back).

My Dad told both of us daughters never to stay in an abusive relationship. He said "the first time you are a victim, the second time you are a volunteer" which is a bit simplistic, but true.
I had a BF lash out (drunk) and hit me. He beat me up badly but he was arrested by the police and dumped by me. I had to move house in the end, even though he never got anywhere near me again. Moving is always hard work but if the lady in your OP is a HA or Council tenant, they will move her for hers and her daughter's safety as she is the tenant.
There is a lot of help out there if the lady looks for it.

 

[User169]

I think you're saying it's sometimes a woman..? Soz Marmion your syntax is slightly baffling me but I know this point is often raised. I'm addressing the situation raised by CP obvs. Or are you saying some people would look up to the guy? Soz am just not sure.

I would also add that most men are wonderful, most fathers range from adequate to fabulous, most husbands the same!

I think the point may be that it's not be especially accurate to caricature perpetrators are somehow monstrous: likely they're considered by most people they know as entirely normal and unremarkable. I suspect that's more discomforting and that it's easier to consider them abnormal.